Say Yes!
Right from birth, you will want to create the belief in your child's mind that life is filled with endless opportunities and possibilities, that the limitations are few.
This is accomplished by saying yes, a lot.
By saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, teach them delayed gratification and impulse control, anticipatory planning and problem solving skills.
You don't have to start when they are brand new infants. If you missed the opportunity when they were newborns, Begin, Wherever You Are.
Saying no to children diminishes both the child and the possibility of nurturing this belief. Saying no to children creates a belief in their mind that there are fewer opportunities and possibilities, that they can not do.
OK, I hear your concerns. This is not a recommendation for an unbridled free for all. The idea is to parent intentionally, with a healthy outcome in mind, not to create thoughtless tyrants. We can say 'yes' and 'no' thoughtfully, judiciously, and intentionally. We can say yes and no within our financial means. If you say no, you should really mean it. Read here for more information on this topic.
I will point out that there are cultures around the world in which parents are traditionally extraordinarily permissive with children from birth to age 5. These children tend to grow up to be very healthy, successful, well-educated, and productive members of society.
Despite the popular American myth, saying yes thoughtfully, intentionally, and abundantly ... is not a pathway to prison.
First, baby proof the house.
When your child begins to move about, if the house is baby proof you will be able to say no way less often and allow for freer exploration. In a baby proofed house, they are free to explore the many opportunities and possibilities this new life has to offer. You provide the safety and opportunities and encourage the exploration. If the house is not baby proof, you will end up feeling anxious, following closely, saying no often, and preventing injury; or not and risking serious injuries.
No, having the toddler fall down the un-gated stairs does not "toughen them up", but it does risk serious, life-altering head injuries. (The game of life is played entirely inside one's head. Protecting the brain from injury is critical to parenting success.)
Parent-child relational habits begin to form at birth. In the baby proof environment, the word no is spoken minimally, only when required, and is enforced in a firm, gentle, loving manner. Avoid creating a relational habit of no.
Being thoughtfully permissive with your child at an early age will not spoil them for life.
As your child grows, you will want to remain thoughtful of two thing: 1) delayed gratification, and 2) impulse control.
Delayed gratification and impulse control are very important abilities to nurture in young children. Parents can do this be saying yes often, with an important caveat.
- Child: Mom, can I have another cookie?
- Mom: Yes, of course. After dinner.
- Child: Dad, I want this toy. Can we buy it?
- Dad: Yes, of course. Lets think it over for a while, see if there might be other things you want more. If you still want it in 2 months we will get it.
- 12 year old child: Dad, can I drive the car?
- Dad: Yes, of course. Absolutely. When you are 15 I will teach you.
When children are younger, saying yes with a short time delay begins the process of learning the value of delayed gratification. Yes, you can ... in a few minutes, this afternoon, after dinner, etc. Saying no, does not teach delayed gratification. As children age, the time delay can be gradually extended. If the time delay is beyond the developmental and temperamental grasp of the child, it has no constructive value and will likely elicit a tantrum. If you say "yes, you can do that in ten years" to a toddler, nothing is gained.
Saying yes with a time delay begins the process of teaching and practicing impulse control. With temperamental children, use a timer to make the time delay more tangible. Start with a short delay and expand it as they practice and improve. Tell your temperamental child that you are helping him practice waiting patiently.
Celebrate successes and failures. Why celebrate failures? Because your child is trying. A failure just means more practice is required. Everything in life is a practice to mastery activity. If your child was trying to catch a ball, but missed, you would likely say something like: "ooooh, nice try, Buddy. Keep practicing. You'll get it." It's the same with delayed gratification and tantrums.
This does not reward the tantrum any more than being encouraging after a missed catch encourages missing. It encourages the trying and practicing part: the life-time important part.
We can also teach children the value of planning by saying yes.
- Child: Mom, can I can over to Johnny's house?
- Mom: Yes, of course. What's your plan for getting your homework done?
- Child: I'll do it after I get home.
- Mom: Well, let's see, how much homework do you have? Do you think you will be able to get it all done this evening? What if you did some of your homework before going, then you'll only have a small amount to get down later?
- Child: It'll be OK, Mom. I'll get it all done.
- Mom: Ok. Let try it.
By saying yes, we facilitate anticipatory planning and problem solving. Saying no, teaches nothing of value. Saying yes, also makes room for autonomous decision-making in a safe way. And, it sets the tone for the problem solving conversation that will occur later, if the plan does not work out well.
It's OK if the plan does not work out well.
This is part of the learning process. Children learn from their mistakes if we build their world in a way that leaves room for safely making mistakes. It's not growth producing for the child to have their parents, who already know many of the lessons of life, to manage them in a way that prevents mistakes through excessive control. Children learn by making mistakes. Saying no, does not allow for this type of real life learning.
Please see the post on Failing Forward for more discussion on mistakes.
In summary, by saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, delayed gratification and impulse control, and anticipatory planning and problem solving.
Saying no, teaches none of this.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com
