Love & Acceptance

Only through the full and unconditional love and acceptance of each of our children, exactly as they are at any given time, complete with their full array of human flaws, can we even begin to lovingly and gently guide and support them in developing the skills and abilities they will require to become the successful adults we all hope they will become. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA 

603-726-1006

KenLittle-NH.org

Think Win-Win, or No Deal

Win-win or no deal is borrowed from Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is a fantastic resource that I strongly recommend. I've incorporated Covey's idea into the collaborative process developed by Ross W. Greene and described in The Explosive Child, another resource I strongly recommend. More about Dr. Greene's approach can be found at his "Lives in the Balance" web site. I strongly encourage you to study these resources thoroughly.


Think Win-Win, Whenever Possible

We are working toward a parent-child collaborative process; outcomes that are mutually agreeable are preferred whenever possible.

Win-lose and lose-win outcomes are not sustainable solutions. 

These types of inequitable outcomes will contribute to growing mistrust and resentment; increasing frustration, anger, hostility — ever acting-out behavior.

Avoid Win-Lose and Lose-Win outcomes as much as possible.

Remember “No Deal”. Rather than accept a win-lose or lose-win proposition, agree to no deal. Then take a break from discussions and try to come up with fresh possibilities. Come back to the discussion later when you have some new ideas in mind for solving the problem in a way that will work well for both you and your child.

Parent-Child Problem Solving

	Parent	Child	Outcome
	Lose	Win	Parent Frustration
	Win	Lose	Child Frustration
	Win	Win	Mutual Satisfaction
No Deal	Think	Think	Delayed

Solutions to problems work best when they work for both of you in a mutually agreeable way. If you cannot come to a reasonable, mutually agreeable solution, no deal is a good temporary conclusion. Agree to disagree for the time being and to discuss it again another time.

If you agree to discuss another time, please make sure you do; especially if you value keeping agreements.

Keep in mind that by using this type of process in problem solving with your children, you are role modeling and teaching by example an excellent life skill; a skill that will serve your children well in all relationships, personal and professional, for many decades to come.

Teaching these important skills when children are young will give them a strong advantage in verbal reasoning and verbal problem-solving over their peers. Verbal reasoning and problem solving are both highly effective and beneficial skills; associated with academic success.

Children who possess good verbal reasoning skills tend to accelerate ahead of their same age peers.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Arriving Home ...

When you arrive home from work ... your family should be happy to see you.

Contemplate this.

Part of my professional perspective has been informed by my personal parenting adventures, or more accurately - misadventures.  (Ask me about the popcorn incident some day.)  It's truly amazing what one can learn by living fully immersed within the situation one teaches about.

Just briefly, my wife died when our two sons, Jake and Braden, were 4 and 5 years old.  She had been struggling with cancer for quite a while and as she became more and more debilitated, I took over more and more of what had been a beautiful shared parenting partnership.

I won't go into the gruesome details, but ... my transition into single parenthood was not a fluid, seamless process. 

There were some very real struggles for me as I adapted to the solo role.  Sometimes, these struggles spilled out onto the boys.  It wasn't pretty.  The first lesson I learned was how to regroup quickly and frequently. My recovering time shortened remarkably. But the challenge did not end.

 

More later.

A Sledgehammer Is ...

A Sledgehammer is ... Not ... a Behavior Change Tool.

Constructive Feedback

Behavioral kids and teens*, typically get absolutely inundated by crushing waves of criticism.  Pause for a moment right here.  Read this again to establish a deep empathic connection with this reality.  Imagine crushing waves of criticism inundating you every day for years and years.  Close your eyes. Breathe gently and deeply.  Imagine how it would feel.

Not only do behavioral kids tend to get subjected to frequent negative feedback on their problem behaviors, but they are very typically hyper-criticized for ordinary behaviors as well.

Behavioral kids tend to get scrutinized frequently, in everything they do.  Many behavioral kids know this and say it very clearly.

This is extraordinarily destructive to the child and very counter-productive. Imagine for a moment, being hyper-criticized at work; moment to moment, day-in-and-day-out, for years and years. Would your well-being and job performance be improved or would it decline? 

As the responsible adults -- whether parents or staff -- we cannot psychologically "smashulate" children and believe that this will turn out well. 

A sledgehammer is not a behavior change tool.

Yes, I am using the word "smashulate". I made it up one day while working with a very guarded child who tended to smash things when angry.  I needed a humorous way to approach the subject.  "Smashulate" worked.  He laughed and we were able to talk about the struggle in a very real way.  

My point here is, as the responsible adults we cannot continue to "smashulate" kids and teens who have behavioral problems with large doses of criticism.  It is not healthy.  It does not work.  It makes things worse. It is destructive.  It is not congruent with our mission or purpose.  Stop doing it. 

In order to grow into healthy adults, kids need a diet of feedback that is more constructive than destructive.  The positive to negative ratio should tilt to the positive, constructive side. 

For children with significant behavioral problems, the objective is to increase the use of constructive feedback to achieve a ratio of positive:negative feedback of approximately 10:1 –  this is the number one, most immediate priority.

All rights reserved by Ken Little

10 positive, uplifting, constructive comments regarding the child's behavior, attributes, interests, characteristics, accomplishments, etc. to every 1 negative comment or criticism. The gardening metaphor, if you can imagine it, is one of watering / nurturing the flowers and for the most part ignoring the weeds. 

Note: This is important for parents, but it's particularly important for behavioral staff working in a program to remain mindful of this ratio. If the program ratio of positive to negative feedback gets too low, or worse, inverts, the program will be in for a very rocky ride. I'll say more on this on the staff training page.     

Ordinary children benefit from a ratio of 6:1, positive to negative feedback.

Think about it.  Each child has tremendous positive energy and many excellent attributes. 

They are really terrific kids with lots and lots of positive potential. We want to encourage and support the growth of these very important positive elements while gradually, patiently, carefully working to address the lesser, but significant problems and concerns.  (See previous blog post: The Whole Child)

If we attend too heavily to problems and concerns we risk increasing these elements to the point at which they may consume and diminish the really terrific positive qualities that make up the bulk of who each child genuinely is.

We must work with intention, purposefully and progressively to address concerns while fully encouraging the growth and development of the whole child. 

* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.
  
Photo credit, sledgehammer: All rights reserved by Antti Tassberg

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006