A Sledgehammer Is ...

A Sledgehammer is ... Not ... a Behavior Change Tool.

Constructive Feedback

Behavioral kids and teens*, typically get absolutely inundated by crushing waves of criticism.  Pause for a moment right here.  Read this again to establish a deep empathic connection with this reality.  Imagine crushing waves of criticism inundating you every day for years and years.  Close your eyes. Breathe gently and deeply.  Imagine how it would feel.

Not only do behavioral kids tend to get subjected to frequent negative feedback on their problem behaviors, but they are very typically hyper-criticized for ordinary behaviors as well.

Behavioral kids tend to get scrutinized frequently, in everything they do.  Many behavioral kids know this and say it very clearly.

This is extraordinarily destructive to the child and very counter-productive. Imagine for a moment, being hyper-criticized at work; moment to moment, day-in-and-day-out, for years and years. Would your well-being and job performance be improved or would it decline? 

As the responsible adults -- whether parents or staff -- we cannot psychologically "smashulate" children and believe that this will turn out well. 

A sledgehammer is not a behavior change tool.

Yes, I am using the word "smashulate". I made it up one day while working with a very guarded child who tended to smash things when angry.  I needed a humorous way to approach the subject.  "Smashulate" worked.  He laughed and we were able to talk about the struggle in a very real way.  

My point here is, as the responsible adults we cannot continue to "smashulate" kids and teens who have behavioral problems with large doses of criticism.  It is not healthy.  It does not work.  It makes things worse. It is destructive.  It is not congruent with our mission or purpose.  Stop doing it. 

In order to grow into healthy adults, kids need a diet of feedback that is more constructive than destructive.  The positive to negative ratio should tilt to the positive, constructive side. 

For children with significant behavioral problems, the objective is to increase the use of constructive feedback to achieve a ratio of positive:negative feedback of approximately 10:1 –  this is the number one, most immediate priority.

All rights reserved by Ken Little

10 positive, uplifting, constructive comments regarding the child's behavior, attributes, interests, characteristics, accomplishments, etc. to every 1 negative comment or criticism. The gardening metaphor, if you can imagine it, is one of watering / nurturing the flowers and for the most part ignoring the weeds. 

Note: This is important for parents, but it's particularly important for behavioral staff working in a program to remain mindful of this ratio. If the program ratio of positive to negative feedback gets too low, or worse, inverts, the program will be in for a very rocky ride. I'll say more on this on the staff training page.     

Ordinary children benefit from a ratio of 6:1, positive to negative feedback.

Think about it.  Each child has tremendous positive energy and many excellent attributes. 

They are really terrific kids with lots and lots of positive potential. We want to encourage and support the growth of these very important positive elements while gradually, patiently, carefully working to address the lesser, but significant problems and concerns.  (See previous blog post: The Whole Child)

If we attend too heavily to problems and concerns we risk increasing these elements to the point at which they may consume and diminish the really terrific positive qualities that make up the bulk of who each child genuinely is.

We must work with intention, purposefully and progressively to address concerns while fully encouraging the growth and development of the whole child. 

* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.
  
Photo credit, sledgehammer: All rights reserved by Antti Tassberg

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006