Focus on the Whole Child

Excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide

Problems and Concerns v. Health, Well-being, Interests, Activities, Hobbies, Skills, Attributes, and Characteristics.

There is a common tendency to focus on the negative. Problems just seem to call to us, to demand our attention. Our parental anxieties fuel our focus on problems and concerns.  We imagine future disasters.  A sense of urgency grows -- must fix the problem now, this minute!  

Pause for a moment.  Breathe.  Imagine a warm, sunny beach ... waves gently washing against the sand, a gentle breeze, ....

Take a step back. Ask two key questions: 1) is anyone or anything on fire right now, 2) is blood gushing from a wound?  If you answer yes to either of these questions, stay calm and take immediate action. If the answer to both is no, stay calm take no immediate action.  We have time to think about the situation, formulate a coherent plan, and implement corrective actions steps.    

Without some caution, most of our attention will naturally and inevitably end up being focused on the child’s problems and difficulties.
 
There are risks associated with focusing only or mostly on problems and concerns. 

• The first and foremost is the risk that we will lose sight of the whole child and her many wonderful, terrific, and beneficial attributes, interests, and characteristics.  The whole child may become obscured behind a veil, lost in the haze of difficulty.

• The second risk is that by attending only or mostly to the negative we will inadvertently increase the frequency and intensity of the problems.  The reality is, that by attending only to the negative we make the positive qualities less important and the negative qualities more important.

• It's demoralizing to be constantly criticized.  Think about this for a moment.  Have you ever worked in a critical, hostile, or toxic work environment?  Morale is the stuff of life.  Everything floats on morale.  When morale is high, all aspects of performance are improved.  When morale is low, performance declines.  Children will still muddle through for a time, driven by character and desire.  But, eventually their energy will drain away.  (More on this another time).

Focus on the whole child.

Your child is a whole person. The problems and concerns, even when significant, are only a small part of who he or she is as a human being. It is very important that we spend more time acknowledging and celebrating positive qualities than we do attending to the troublesome ones, even when the problems are severe. 

The Whole Child is a Well-Rounded Person.

Imagine that each section of this pie chart is some part of your child.  Blue might be educational.  Yellow might be community and social.  Green might be music, art, sports.  Imagine adding in other colors to fit your idea of what a whole person is. 

Note the red.  Red represents problems and difficulties.  Notice that it is smaller than the whole.  Now imagine drawing a line through about 20% of the red.  

Just 1/5th.  This is the amount of the problem section to work on at any given time.  

If you make a list that has 5 problems, only focus on the one that matter most.  Master that gradually, then pick another problem to work on. 

While working on problems, be sure to continue to encourage growth and pay attention to all of the other areas.  

Celebrate both successes and mistakes.  The greatest learning opportunities often come from making mistakes. Help your child to see mistakes as learning opportunities.  Mistakes are not emergencies. 

I will continue this another time.  For now, intentionally pay attention to your whole child.  Nurture growth and improvement in all areas, encourage expanding into new areas and activities, manage problem focus carefully, and ... don't sweat the small stuff. 

  Kenneth H. Little, MA / New Hampshire / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com