Parenting Is: Continuous Quality Improvement

Parenting Is: Continuous Quality Improvement

The very best response to the vast majority of children’s misbehavior is a simple, quiet conversation moderated by reason, wisdom, and compassion; a conversation that guides the child quietly and gently to a better, more helpful place in life.  

Raising children is a long, gradual process.  It takes years and years of patient and persistent effort. Gentle guidance is the primary choice in parenting. 

Sometimes a planned system of positive and negative consequences makes sense.  This is not a system of rewards and punishment, so to speak, but a well crafted system of inductive consequences; constructive and instructive consequences that gradually teach better behavior, better problem solving skill, and better decision-making skill.

Arbitrary and / or harsh consequences should be avoided.  They are far more likely to inflame the situation and create resentment within the child which will obscure any learning benefit.   

It is far more likely that arbitrary and / or harsh consequences will increase misbehavior, rather than decrease it, and also decrease the frequency of positive behaviors.

Everything in life is practice to mastery.  Everyone needs the opportunity to practice new skills gradually over time in order to master them.  Everyone makes mistakes and needs the opportunity to practice making amends and to practice regrouping and moving forward again. 

Instructive, constructive, and reparative consequences gradually influence thinking, feeling, and behaving in a productive direction.  

K. H. Little Consulting Services

Kenneth H. Little, MA

cell: (603) 726-1006

kenlittle-nh.com

Love & Acceptance

Only through the full and unconditional love and acceptance of each of our children, exactly as they are at any given time, complete with their full array of human flaws, can we even begin to lovingly and gently guide and support them in developing the skills and abilities they will require to become the successful adults we all hope they will become. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA 

603-726-1006

KenLittle-NH.org

The Spirited Child

I see spirited children often. I love their natural energy.  Their parent(s) always look a bit tattered, ruffled, and strained. 

Most parents would say, I think, that they want their children to have some "get-up-and-go", a bit of "fire in their belly", some internal tenacity.  These are admirable traits and characteristics that will serve children well as they learn how to refine, harness, and direct their energies as they move toward adulthood.

They will very likely clash with the world during this process.

It is better to guide these children gently forward rather than to try to break them of their natural tendencies. 

 Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.  

From Parent to Child

When children first come whooshing out into the world they are fully reliant on their parent(s) for all of their needs and well-being.  As soon as the umbilical chord is cut, however, the very long and gradual process of separation and individuation begins.  

Parenting from here on out, every minute of it, is fully about preparing -- incrementally --  the child to occupy a successful, healthy role in the adult world to the best of their abilities.  With each passing moment children grow, change, move inexorably toward adulthood.  Ready or not, adulthood will arrive.

Children are not well prepared by overly involved, overly controlling parents.  Children are not well prepared by under involved, neglectful parents. Children are best prepared by collaborative parents who gently and gradually ween them off parental control and into self-management.   

To be continued.   

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.  

"Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll"

Why Do Kids Start Smoking; and other unhealthy, self-destructive behaviors? What can parents do?  How to develop a constructive parenting plan that will reduce the risk?

Why does it matter? "Isn't risky behavior during adolescence normal?"  "I did it and I'm fine, what's the big deal?"

Ingesting, inhaling, injecting drugs and alcohol can impact brain development during the adolescent years, a time of rapid brain growth. Even small differences in neurological development can cause lasting problems well into adulthood.  

"Altered brain development due to exposure of neurotoxins during adolescence, particularly alcohol, could set the stage for cognitive problems into adulthood, conferring functional consequences throughout life."(3)

It is best if the brain is well protected from birth until age 25.  Drugs, alcohol, tobacco (other*) all pose significant risks to healthy brain development.

Below is a list of risk factors for smoking cigarettes.  They are similar to the reasons why kids start other unhealthy activities.  There are some that are not preventable, like poverty. Kids grow up in the families they grow up in.  Don't be re-assured by high and moderate socio-economic status  (SES). While low SES is associated with smoking, high SES is associated with alcohol and marijuana* use.

"Young adults with the highest family background SES were most prone to alcohol and marijuana use."

Hold on, wait right there.  The literature on marijuana use during adolescence indicates that it is not benign. 

"The literature ... provide strong evidence that chronic cannabis abuse causes cognitive impairment and damages the brain, particularly white matter, where cannabinoid 1 receptors abound."   

Ages 12 to 25 are the important years. Young people are most likely to start using destructive substances during these years.   

" ... by 26 years of age, nearly all people who are going to use tobacco have already begun, so the focus of primary prevention with young people really spans the ages of 12 to 25 years."

• Relatively low SES,
• Relatively high accessibility and availability of tobacco products,
• Perceptions by adolescents that tobacco use is normative, that is, usual or acceptable behavior,
• Use of tobacco by significant others and approval of tobacco use among those persons,
• Lack of parental support,
• Low levels of academic achievement and school involvement,
• Lack of skills required to resist influences to use tobacco,
• Relatively low self-efficacy for refusal,
• Previous tobacco use and intention to use tobacco in the future,
• Relatively low self-image, and
• Belief that tobacco use is functional or serves a purpose.

You can see that the age range of concern is between 12 and 25, but most parents do not activate to address adolescent concerns until it's too late, often not until after-the-fact.  The point at which parents will need to begin preparing their children to reduce the risk -- at the very latest --  is prior to age 12.  

A well-designed, proactive parenting plan will begin work on preparing children for adolescents beginning at birth, but if you start late, age 8 is good.  A pro-active parenting plans lays out the pathway toward the desired outcome for each child.

To get a sense of what this plan might look like, flip each of the risk factors listed above into its positive opposite whenever possible.

• High or Low SES is hard to alter.
• Accessibility and availability? Reduce.
• Perceptions by adolescents?  Teach facts: only about 8% of high school students smoke, etc.
• Parents, aunts, uncles, grand parents, etc., stop using and disapprove.  
• Increase parental support.
• Support and facilitate academic achievement and school involvement.
• Increase peer-pressure resistance skills ("Go along to get along", compliance and conformity, is not a constructive lesson for children).
• Increase child's belief in their effectiveness in refusing.
• Address faulty ideas supporting intention to use.
• Enhance self-esteem, self-image, self-worth constructively.
• Nurture belief that substance use serves no constructive purpose.

There are critical skills children need to be taught and parents will need to have developed a relationship with their children that supports open discussion. Any parenting practices that impinge on open discussion are counter-productive.

Additional Reading

• Socioeconomic Status and Substance Use Among Young Adults: A Comparison Across Constructs and Drugs

• Social, Environmental, Cognitive, and Genetic Influences on the Use of Tobacco Among Youth

• The effect of alcohol use on human adolescent brain structures and systems

• Adverse Structural and Functional Effects of Marijuana on the Brain: Evidence Reviewed

*Traumatic brain injury

Kenneth H. Little, MA 
Achieve Educational Success
603-726-1006

© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.