Guidance for Parents of Younger Children

 I’ve always advised parents to be like Jello. 

Jello is firm, yet fun and fruity. 

***

There are three primary parenting styles - authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. 

Each are effective in raising children to become productive adults. Each has strengths and weaknesses. 

Permissive parenting generally produces adults who have  higher self-esteem and tend to be high achievers.  While still children, there may be more behavioral problems. 

Authoritarian parents (strict, often harsh and punitive) produce adults that have lower self-esteem and tend to be lower achievers. As children, there are fewer behavior problems - while adults are watching - although covert behaviors (lying, being sneaky) tend to be higher. 

Authoritative parents produce the most successful adults. Authoritative parents are firm, but willing to discuss rules and expectations. Authoritative parents use a lot of verbal reasoning from a very early age. Their children have higher verbal reasoning skills. Verbal reasoning skills are the primary asset for school success. These kids tend to find early success in school, then accelerate ahead of their same age peers. 

The children of parents who utilize corporal punishment as a primary means of discipline tend to have significantly lower IQs.  The explanation for the diminished IQ isn’t related to the corporal punishment per se. It  has more to do with the parent’s diminished use of verbal reasoning skills.

K. H. Little Consulting Services

Kenneth H. Little, MA

KHLittle603@gmail.com

kenlittle-nh.com

Love & Acceptance

Only through the full and unconditional love and acceptance of each of our children, exactly as they are at any given time, complete with their full array of human flaws, can we even begin to lovingly and gently guide and support them in developing the skills and abilities they will require to become the successful adults we all hope they will become. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA 

603-726-1006

KenLittle-NH.org

A Guide to Behavioral Intervention

A Guide to Behavioral Intervention

Assess intellectual, instructional, learning, and situational factors and how they affect / contribute to the behavior problem. Develop and utilize a decision-making tree.

• Identify specific problem behaviors and their source / function.
• Conceptualize positive alternative behaviors.
• Progressively teach, coach, and support the student in developing and utilizing the positive alternatives: healthy, value-system-based behavioral and coping strategies in support of school / community / family success.
• Encourage the practice and progressive growth of positive alternative behaviors with coaching and positive, proactive behavioral planning.
• Scaffold: provide more support, encouragement, and behavioral skill instruction until the child begins to show some sense of competence, then wean and monitor.  
• Alter academic / instructional components as needed in accordance with assessment data and educational best practices.
• Establish realistic expectations that the child is capable of achieving. Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, inspire behavioral problems, and foster a sense of ineffectiveness and helplessness.
• Provide a reasonable and constructive disciplinary structure that will work in support of the positive behavior plan to contain and reduce the frequency and / or intensity of the problem behavior over time while simultaneously facilitating positive behavioral growth and academic progress. 
• Collaboration between the child, family, and school personnel is essential. Fractured teams may contribute to costly, counter-productive and / or harmful outcomes.
• Ongoing assessment and outcome evaluation is an essential component.
• Ongoing assessment enhances understanding and accurate conceptualization of the problem.
• If, after a reasonable trial period, whatever is being tried is not producing positive results then reassessment; a different plan or approach may be needed.
• Reasonable trial periods and outcome assessments guide the process.
• There are no guarantees in behavioral work.

Research indicates that gentle, patient, and positive interventions lead to better long-term outcomes.  Avoid critical, punitive, and harsh disciplinary measures as much as possible.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

The Protective Ethic

Years ago, I had a conversation with a man about corporal punishment. He was in favor of it.  Then I asked him what he thought of older kids beating up on little kids.  He was opposed to it, stating that when he was young the rule was that little kids could not be hit or harmed and the older kids looked out for them, protected them from bullies.

Then he got it. 

Growing up, it seems, many of us held an ethic that required older kids to protect younger kids from being harmed.  Neither we, nor anyone else was allowed to hit the little kids.

What happens that causes parents to lose touch with this ethic?  

How do people become transformed from holding a protector of little kids ethic to being parents who think it's their right and responsibility to harm little kids?

The vast majority of all forms of child abuse happens inside the family. In certain US states (a wee bit under half), corporal punishment in public schools is still legal. 

More on this topic coming soon. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Arriving Home ...

When you arrive home from work ... your family should be happy to see you.

Contemplate this.

Part of my professional perspective has been informed by my personal parenting adventures, or more accurately - misadventures.  (Ask me about the popcorn incident some day.)  It's truly amazing what one can learn by living fully immersed within the situation one teaches about.

Just briefly, my wife died when our two sons, Jake and Braden, were 4 and 5 years old.  She had been struggling with cancer for quite a while and as she became more and more debilitated, I took over more and more of what had been a beautiful shared parenting partnership.

I won't go into the gruesome details, but ... my transition into single parenthood was not a fluid, seamless process. 

There were some very real struggles for me as I adapted to the solo role.  Sometimes, these struggles spilled out onto the boys.  It wasn't pretty.  The first lesson I learned was how to regroup quickly and frequently. My recovering time shortened remarkably. But the challenge did not end.

 

More later.

Calm Down and Take Space!

Anger management

If you want your children to be able to take space in order to calm down, you will need to be very good at taking space to calm down. 

Parenting is leadership by example.

More on this soon. 

Leadership

Excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide

Leadership

Parents are the leaders of the family. Parents lead children in growth and development toward adulthood. Parents lead by example.  Leadership is not power.  Leadership is wisdom.

Vision / Long Term Desired Outcome

In order to lead, parents need to have a sense of what their long-term desired outcome is. As a parent, what are you trying to accomplish in raising children? Having a good sense of the desired outcome will help you navigate through difficulties more effectively. Keep the big picture and the long-term plan in mind. Don't get lost in the small stuff, the immediate challenges.

Know Your Family's Value System

Keep your value system at the forefront of your parenting effort. Write it down. Talk with your children about your values. Parents instill values in their children gradually over time. Live according to your value system. Guide accordingly.

Keep the Whole Child in Mind

Often as parents we lose sight of the whole child and begin to focus too vigorously on the problems, concerns, and shortcomings. As parents, it's important to attend to the whole child, to develop children across the many years into well-rounded adults.

Focus on Constructive Feedback

Avoid using negative feedback and criticism. Keep the feedback loop corrective, constructive, positive and uplifting; pointing toward the long-term desired outcome. As parents we are constructing, building-up our children toward adulthood, not tearing them down.

Build Strength - Strengthen Weakness

Raise resilient children, strengthen and develop character and skills patiently, intentionally, and incrementally across the many years of child development. Help your children develop the strengths and skills necessary to cope effectively with the difficulties of life and to succeed despite obstacles. Do not avoid weaknesses - strengthen weaknesses through a planned, intentional, practice-to-mastery approach.

  

Strength is nurtured, not demanded.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Educational and Behavioral Consulting Services

Education: Tufts University
Degree: Master of Arts
Major Subject Area: School Psychology

Professional Experience:

25 Years of clinical experience working in residential, day treatment, and public school settings with children, adolescents, and families struggling with behavioral and educational challenges.

Kenneth H. Little, MA
Consulting Services
New Hampshire
603-726-1006

KenLittle50@gmail.com / www.achieve-es.com