Bad Words! Bad!

No, not swear words.

There are certain words we use to describe children and their behavior that are counter-productive; one of the most destructive of which is the word "manipulative".

Bad words!  Bad!  Words matter.  To keep one's head straight, it's important to think about and describe behaviors in a constructive manner that makes success more likely.  

Using the wrong words makes success less likely.

Have you ever had a phone call from someone trying to sell you something, during which you felt like you were being manipulated?

If yes, what did you do?  

I hang up, cut the call off . Bam!  Discussion over. Problem solved.

As parents and mental health professionals, the last thing we ever want to do during our work with a child is to "hang up on them".  We can take breaks, this is sensible, but we never want to cut the conversation off.  

Try this.  Re-conceptualize "manipulative" behavior as a maladaptive behavior to get a need met.  

By changing the way we describe the behavior, we also change our relationship with the behavior. 

When we think of a behavior as a maladaptive effort to get a need met, we feel compelled to wonder -- what is the need and what would be an adaptive way to get that need met?

This is what parenting and treatment are all about, the process of teaching adaptive skills to children so that they can cope with and navigate the complexities of life in a better, healthier, more effective manner.

And, yes, we all want our needs met.  Let's not be 'judgy' about this. The challenge is to get needs met in an adaptive manner.      

When we think of behavior as manipulative, we feel a strong need to disengage, withdraw from the child (see Counter-Transference).  When we think of behaviors as maladaptive, it leads us to ask ... how can we help this child and what would be the adaptive opposite behavior?   

What we really want, is to keep the communication open, to figure out what the need is and how to teach, train, encourage more adaptive ways for the child to get his needs met.   

It's best to be very careful what terms we use to describe behavior.  

Always respond to maladaptive behaviors in an adaptive way.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Flipping, Positively Flipping

 All rights reserved by Alex-de-Haas

Flip negative behaviors into their positive opposites; maladaptive behaviors into their adaptive opposites.

Example: "tantrum" is flipped into "using words".  Children at times use tantrums to get needs met.  This is a negative, maladaptive skill. The positive, adaptive opposite skill is to use words to get needs met.

As we move forward we will begin to focus our attention on enhancing skills and abilities, the capacity to manage in and navigate a complex world.


Whenever we encounter a problem or concern we will begin the work of "flipping" the negative behavior into its positive opposite behavior or skill. From here, we will teach, coach, and encourage the use of the positive behavior or skill in the difficult situation.

Difficult situations require adaptive skills in order to navigate successfully. Skills require a lot of practice to master. 

Please keep in mind that all children ... will learn through experience an ever expanding set of behaviors and strategies for the dealing with difficulty.  Some of these may be adaptive and effective.  Some of these will be maladaptive.  

Important note: a maladaptive behavior in a current situation may have been an adaptive behavior in some previous difficult circumstance.  Try not to judge behaviors, but do provide constructive feedback that will enable the child to learn, practice, and develop more and more adaptive behaviors.

More on this soon.

* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.

With much gratitude to Tufts University.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / New Hampshire / 603-726-1006 / https://kenlittle-nh.com/index.html

A Sledgehammer Is ...

A Sledgehammer is ... Not ... a Behavior Change Tool.

Constructive Feedback

Behavioral kids and teens*, typically get absolutely inundated by crushing waves of criticism.  Pause for a moment right here.  Read this again to establish a deep empathic connection with this reality.  Imagine crushing waves of criticism inundating you every day for years and years.  Close your eyes. Breathe gently and deeply.  Imagine how it would feel.

Not only do behavioral kids tend to get subjected to frequent negative feedback on their problem behaviors, but they are very typically hyper-criticized for ordinary behaviors as well.

Behavioral kids tend to get scrutinized frequently, in everything they do.  Many behavioral kids know this and say it very clearly.

This is extraordinarily destructive to the child and very counter-productive. Imagine for a moment, being hyper-criticized at work; moment to moment, day-in-and-day-out, for years and years. Would your well-being and job performance be improved or would it decline? 

As the responsible adults -- whether parents or staff -- we cannot psychologically "smashulate" children and believe that this will turn out well. 

A sledgehammer is not a behavior change tool.

Yes, I am using the word "smashulate". I made it up one day while working with a very guarded child who tended to smash things when angry.  I needed a humorous way to approach the subject.  "Smashulate" worked.  He laughed and we were able to talk about the struggle in a very real way.  

My point here is, as the responsible adults we cannot continue to "smashulate" kids and teens who have behavioral problems with large doses of criticism.  It is not healthy.  It does not work.  It makes things worse. It is destructive.  It is not congruent with our mission or purpose.  Stop doing it. 

In order to grow into healthy adults, kids need a diet of feedback that is more constructive than destructive.  The positive to negative ratio should tilt to the positive, constructive side. 

For children with significant behavioral problems, the objective is to increase the use of constructive feedback to achieve a ratio of positive:negative feedback of approximately 10:1 –  this is the number one, most immediate priority.

All rights reserved by Ken Little

10 positive, uplifting, constructive comments regarding the child's behavior, attributes, interests, characteristics, accomplishments, etc. to every 1 negative comment or criticism. The gardening metaphor, if you can imagine it, is one of watering / nurturing the flowers and for the most part ignoring the weeds. 

Note: This is important for parents, but it's particularly important for behavioral staff working in a program to remain mindful of this ratio. If the program ratio of positive to negative feedback gets too low, or worse, inverts, the program will be in for a very rocky ride. I'll say more on this on the staff training page.     

Ordinary children benefit from a ratio of 6:1, positive to negative feedback.

Think about it.  Each child has tremendous positive energy and many excellent attributes. 

They are really terrific kids with lots and lots of positive potential. We want to encourage and support the growth of these very important positive elements while gradually, patiently, carefully working to address the lesser, but significant problems and concerns.  (See previous blog post: The Whole Child)

If we attend too heavily to problems and concerns we risk increasing these elements to the point at which they may consume and diminish the really terrific positive qualities that make up the bulk of who each child genuinely is.

We must work with intention, purposefully and progressively to address concerns while fully encouraging the growth and development of the whole child. 

* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.
  
Photo credit, sledgehammer: All rights reserved by Antti Tassberg

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006