Mad River Behavioral Health

 I’ve always advised parents to be like Jello.  Jello is firm, yet fun and fruity.  *** There are three primary parenting styles - authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  Each are effective in raising children to become productive adults. Each has strengths and weaknesses.  Permissive parenting generally produces adults who have  higher self-esteem and tend to be high achievers.  While still children, there may be more behavioral problems.  Authoritarian parents (strict, often harsh and punitive) produce adults that have lower self-esteem and tend to be lower achievers. As children, there are fewer behavior problems - while adults are watching - although covert behaviors (lying, being sneaky) tend to be higher.  Authoritative parents produce the most successful adults. Authoritative parents are firm, but willing to discuss rules and expectations. Authoritative parents use a lot of verbal reasoning from a very early age. Their children ...

Parenting Is: Continuous Quality Improvement The very best response to the vast majority of children’s misbehavior is a simple, quiet conversation moderated by reason, wisdom, and compassion; a conversation that guides the child quietly and gently to a better, more helpful place in life.   Raising children is a long, gradual process.  It takes years and years of patient and persistent effort. Gentle guidance is the primary choice in parenting.  Sometimes a planned system of positive and negative consequences makes sense.  This is not a system of rewards and punishment, so to speak, but a well crafted system of inductive consequences; constructive and instructive consequences that gradually teach better behavior, better problem solving skill, and better decision-making skill. Arbitrary and / or harsh consequences should be avoided.  They are far more likely to inflame the situation and create resentment within the child which will obscure any learning benefit...

Only through the full and unconditional love and acceptance of each of our children, exactly as they are at any given time, complete with their full array of human flaws, can we even begin to lovingly and gently guide and support them in developing the skills and abilities they will require to become the successful adults we all hope they will become.  Kenneth H. Little, MA  603-726-1006 KenLittle-NH.org

Win-win or no deal is borrowed from Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is a fantastic resource that I strongly recommend. I've incorporated Covey's idea into the collaborative process developed by Ross W. Greene and described in The Explosive Child , another resource I strongly recommend. More about Dr. Greene's approach can be found at his " Lives in the Balance " web site. I strongly encourage you to study these resources thoroughly. Think Win-Win, Whenever Possible We are working toward a parent-child collaborative process; outcomes that are mutually agreeable are preferred whenever possible. Win-lose and lose-win outcomes are not sustainable solutions.  These types of inequitable outcomes will contribute to growing mistrust and resentment; increasing frustration, anger, hostility — ever acting-out behavior. Avoid Win-Lose and Lose-Win outcomes as much as possible. Remember “No Deal”. Rather than accept a win-lose or l...

Anger management If you want your children to be able to take space in order to calm down, you will need to be very good at taking space to calm down.  Parenting is leadership by example. More on this soon. 

 All rights reserved by  Alex-de-Haas Flip negative behaviors into their positive opposites; maladaptive behaviors into their adaptive opposites. Example: "tantrum" is flipped into "using words".  Children at times use tantrums to get needs met.  This is a negative, maladaptive skill. The positive, adaptive opposite skill is to use words to get needs met. As we move forward we will begin to focus our attention on enhancing skills and abilities, the capacity to manage in and navigate a complex world. Whenever we encounter a problem or concern we will begin the work of "flipping" the negative behavior into its positive opposite behavior or skill. From here, we will teach, coach, and encourage the use of the positive behavior or skill in the difficult situation. Difficult situations require adaptive skills in order to navigate successfully. Skills require a lot of practice to master.  Please keep in mind that all children ... will learn th...

Excerpted from Ken's  Parenting Guide Problems and Concerns v. Health, Well-being, Interests, Activities, Hobbies, Skills, Attributes, and Characteristics. There is a common tendency to focus on the negative. Problems just seem to call to us, to demand our attention. Our parental anxieties fuel our focus on problems and concerns.  We imagine future disasters.  A sense of urgency grows -- must fix the problem now, this minute!   Pause for a moment.  Breathe.  Imagine a warm, sunny beach ... waves gently washing against the sand, a gentle breeze, .... Take a step back. Ask two key questions: 1) is anyone or anything on fire right now, 2) is blood gushing from a wound?  If you answer yes to either of these questions, stay calm and take immediate action. If the answer to both is no, stay calm take no immediate action.  We have time to think about the situation, formulate a coherent plan, and implement corrective actions steps. ...

The following is excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide . One of the most important things that parents can do while raising children is to teach them the importance of having strong character traits (more on this later) and a strong value system.  A strong value system will guide children through the many challenges and difficulties they will likely encounter as they grow into adolescents and begin to move out into the world on their own.  Sometimes, family values become lost in the day-to-day grind and  parents  lose contact with the values that are so very important to them.  By staying in touch with our values, we can keep them in the forefront of our parenting efforts where they will guide us to do the most good and be gifted by example to our children. As an exercise, sit down and consider what your family value system is.  Make a list of the most important values, the top 5 for starters.  Then examine your family's rules as they are ex...

The Lighthouse The lighthouse stands on solid, stable ground.  It is a beacon of hope.  It warns of danger and guides to safety.  The waters around a lighthouse can be turbulent at times.  Parents are like the lighthouse.  Parents are strong and stable.  Parents are a beacon of hope, warning of danger and guiding children toward safety.  When children are emotionally unstable, when they are being tossed in the emotional turbulence of life, parents do not jump into the turbulence with their children.  Parent/s endeavor to remain stable and calm.  Parents invite children to come out of the turbulent waters.  When the parent/s become emotionally unstable, when they join their children in the turbulent waters … all is lost … until the parent/s can regain their composure, return to the safe, stable ground above the crashing waves. Parents invite children to come out of the turbulence, to come to safety, to join them on the ...

Washington Post: Study Finds Possible Link Between Childhood Deaths and Stimulants for ADHD - washingtonpost.com My response to the above headline is just below. Further down, I added some of the follow-up discussion from people who have struggled with ADHD. Children with ADHD are several times more likely to have accidental injuries requiring emergency room treatment and die from accidental causes; ADHD teens are more likely to have serious automobile accidents and are at a much higher risk of unwanted pregnancy. The negative impact of ADHD on academic performance, peer acceptance, and self-esteem can be enormous -- all contributing to negative adult outcomes. ADHD is a significant childhood difficulty with many significant risks. All of the pros and cons have to be weighed in making a decision on how to support ADHD children in achieving better outcomes. Best wishes, Ken See some of the follow-up comments posted in this Washington Post discussion: Greg Sleter at 9:34am...

Mr Little, I came upon your website after seeing a link on Facebook. I have been searching for information on Behavior Modification camps, programs, or specialists in my area all week as we have reached a breaking point with my 13 year old son. I think he definitely needs a behavior modification program that is aggressive and he needs it soon. The only camps I could find in the New England area are $6000 to $8900 per month for a residential program and this is not a possible option for my family financially. Can you make any recommendations for doctors and/or programs in Southern NH for that could benefit us? I live just outside of Manchester, NH. Any information you can share would be appreciated. Reply: Dear xxxxxx, I'm and very sorry for your struggles. I really can't wade in with an informed opinion as I do not know your son or situation. However, I do have some thoughts and suggestions that I can offer for your consideration. Suggestions: Find a Child ...

Behavioral Problems Families and schools have a wide range of ideas and beliefs about what constitutes a behavior problem and a range of expectations for what level of behavioral compliance is reasonable. Further, our understanding of what "normal behavior" is not well understood. One informal study estimates that average children follow approximately 70% of their parent’s instructions. Is that good, bad, or medium? That depends on the family’s expectations for compliance. Family "A" may think that 70% compliance is fantastic, while family "B" sees it as horrible. The same applies to school systems and teachers. Expectations for behavioral compliance alter the way in which behavior is assessed and interpreted. Behavior problems beyond what is developmentally appropriate (one would hardly expect a toddler or a teen to be completely well behaved) can and should be seen as an indication that something is wrong, that the child or adolescent is in distre...