Crafting an Effective Family Culture

I think for most parents, myself included, figuring out how to be the best possible parent, figuring out how to help our children become the best possible version of themselves that they can be ... is central to our existence as parents.

In my mind, this purpose is an all-consuming obligation. 

The whole purpose of this blog is directed toward fulfilling this purpose.  In this essay I offer thoughts on developing a constructive family culture.  I use the word constructive to describe a family that adds value to their children.  Not all families do this.  In fact, many diminish their children either subtly or in crushing torrents.   

Family culture describes the rules, norms, values, customs, traditions, and leadership style of a family that guides and informs the way people behave on an individual basis and interact with each other.

This essay is not prescriptive, an instruction on how to make a specific family culture.  It is a thinking tool designed to promote thought on this important topic.

Each interested family will need to create, craft, or construct its unique internal culture.  All families have an internal culture, but not all families have a well thought out, intentionally constructed family culture.  Some family cultures are functional and adaptive.  Some family cultures are dysfunctional, maladaptive.  Many family cultures are accidental.  Most family cultures are not optimized around success and well-being.   

Personally and professionally, I think the goal of family, the sole purpose, is to provide an environment in which each member is enlarged, enhanced, made better and stronger because of the family culture.

At least, this is the ideal that I'd like to see families moving toward. I do know that there are many families within which members are diminished and that stress and frustration and difficulty rob the family of its vital energy.  Sometimes, life gets hard. But I think that the goal has to always to be to move back toward a family culture that is enriching.  During times of heavy stress it is not unusual or unexpected for family members to regress.  Being able to regroup quickly and effectively is an important life skill.

Words I use to describe what I view as an enriching family culture:

• Inclusive
• Collaborative
• Kind
• Generous
• Trusting
• Fair, and
• Supportive

What does your family culture look like?  What do you want it to look like? Crafting a family culture is an on-going process.  Sit down with family members and begin by writing down a few words that describe your family culture.   Make a list.  Talk it over.  Think and refine.  Once you have a list of words that describe how it is, talk it over and write out a list of words that describe what you want it to be. 

Create a plan to transform your family from the way it is to the way you want it to be.      

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com 

Payment for Chores? No.

Never pay children for helping out at home.

Being a cooperative and productive member of the family, making a contribution to the whole, is an expected part of life.

Raising children according to a constructive value system is foundational to preparing children for a good, happy, healthy, successful life.

Values:

• Clean up after your self
• Pitch in
• Be cooperative
• Be helpful
• Be respectful of self, others, property.

All of these values are part of helping out at home.

If kids want more money, they can help themselves and the family by earning it outside the family.

Paying children to help out at home does not teach a valuable life lesson. Children come pre-wired to be good workers and you will teach them budgeting and purchasing skills as they are growing up.  The vast majority of young children want to help out at home; they want to load the dishwasher and washing machine, move laundry from washer to dryer, run the vacuum cleaner, etc. If they don't naturally want to help out, for whatever reason, it's your job to teach them gradually and progressively across time these important values. 

Too many parents shoo children away from helping while they are young.  This is counter-productive. Accept their help gladly and make it fun, even if it takes longer.  Think about it?  Is your priority to get the laundry done or to teach your children all of the skills and values they will need to have a good life? 

If you shoo your children away from helping when they are young, do not expect them to help willingly when they are teens.    

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

 

Think Win-Win, or No Deal

Win-win or no deal is borrowed from Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is a fantastic resource that I strongly recommend. I've incorporated Covey's idea into the collaborative process developed by Ross W. Greene and described in The Explosive Child, another resource I strongly recommend. More about Dr. Greene's approach can be found at his "Lives in the Balance" web site. I strongly encourage you to study these resources thoroughly.


Think Win-Win, Whenever Possible

We are working toward a parent-child collaborative process; outcomes that are mutually agreeable are preferred whenever possible.

Win-lose and lose-win outcomes are not sustainable solutions. 

These types of inequitable outcomes will contribute to growing mistrust and resentment; increasing frustration, anger, hostility — ever acting-out behavior.

Avoid Win-Lose and Lose-Win outcomes as much as possible.

Remember “No Deal”. Rather than accept a win-lose or lose-win proposition, agree to no deal. Then take a break from discussions and try to come up with fresh possibilities. Come back to the discussion later when you have some new ideas in mind for solving the problem in a way that will work well for both you and your child.

Parent-Child Problem Solving

	Parent	Child	Outcome
	Lose	Win	Parent Frustration
	Win	Lose	Child Frustration
	Win	Win	Mutual Satisfaction
No Deal	Think	Think	Delayed

Solutions to problems work best when they work for both of you in a mutually agreeable way. If you cannot come to a reasonable, mutually agreeable solution, no deal is a good temporary conclusion. Agree to disagree for the time being and to discuss it again another time.

If you agree to discuss another time, please make sure you do; especially if you value keeping agreements.

Keep in mind that by using this type of process in problem solving with your children, you are role modeling and teaching by example an excellent life skill; a skill that will serve your children well in all relationships, personal and professional, for many decades to come.

Teaching these important skills when children are young will give them a strong advantage in verbal reasoning and verbal problem-solving over their peers. Verbal reasoning and problem solving are both highly effective and beneficial skills; associated with academic success.

Children who possess good verbal reasoning skills tend to accelerate ahead of their same age peers.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Leadership

Excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide

Leadership

Parents are the leaders of the family. Parents lead children in growth and development toward adulthood. Parents lead by example.  Leadership is not power.  Leadership is wisdom.

Vision / Long Term Desired Outcome

In order to lead, parents need to have a sense of what their long-term desired outcome is. As a parent, what are you trying to accomplish in raising children? Having a good sense of the desired outcome will help you navigate through difficulties more effectively. Keep the big picture and the long-term plan in mind. Don't get lost in the small stuff, the immediate challenges.

Know Your Family's Value System

Keep your value system at the forefront of your parenting effort. Write it down. Talk with your children about your values. Parents instill values in their children gradually over time. Live according to your value system. Guide accordingly.

Keep the Whole Child in Mind

Often as parents we lose sight of the whole child and begin to focus too vigorously on the problems, concerns, and shortcomings. As parents, it's important to attend to the whole child, to develop children across the many years into well-rounded adults.

Focus on Constructive Feedback

Avoid using negative feedback and criticism. Keep the feedback loop corrective, constructive, positive and uplifting; pointing toward the long-term desired outcome. As parents we are constructing, building-up our children toward adulthood, not tearing them down.

Build Strength - Strengthen Weakness

Raise resilient children, strengthen and develop character and skills patiently, intentionally, and incrementally across the many years of child development. Help your children develop the strengths and skills necessary to cope effectively with the difficulties of life and to succeed despite obstacles. Do not avoid weaknesses - strengthen weaknesses through a planned, intentional, practice-to-mastery approach.

  

Strength is nurtured, not demanded.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com