Often times children use non-verbal methods for expressing what they cannot quite find the words to say. For example, a toddler may scream, cry, and / flop on the floor to express frustration; a child may cover her ears to block out sound; a teen might slam the door.
How do we understand what our children are trying to say?
In order to understand, parents need to:
- not take the communication personally,
- remain calm,
- be empathic, and
- be curious.
Don't take it personally and try to stay calm. Work to remain objective so that you can observe with a clear mind. This is at times extremely difficult, but it's necessary to being an objective observer. If you take it personally or feel that your child is being disrespectful, you will be attending to your needs, not your child's. Keep a cool head and clear thinking. 99.9% of the time it's not an emergency. There is no need to fly off into an emotional state. (p.s.: if it were an emergency, you would want to stay calm, cool, and clear-headed.)
Be empathic, try to imagine how your child is feeling. Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation.
Be curious -- wonder about and want to know what your child is trying to express.
In order to help children develop better verbal communication skills, parents need to translate non-verbal communication into words and reflect these back to the child for confirmation.
For example, a toddler standing in the kitchen screams and gestures frantically toward the counter. The parent observing this non-verbal communication can say to the toddler, "you seem frustrated, is there something on the counter you want?" The toddler may nod in agreement or simply give the non-verbal signal to be picked up by raising both arms and grasping her hands toward the parent. The parent can reflect back to the child, "you want to be picked up?"
Preferably the parent will pick the child up and continue the conversation.
In this exchange the parent is listening to the non-verbal communication, translating it into words, and reflecting it back to the child to confirm that the translation is accurate.
Confirming accuracy is a very important step. By doing this the parent is completing the communication loop, modeling good listening skills, and teaching the words that the child is expressing through behavior.
If you reflect your understanding back to the child and they disagree, you've got it wrong. Keep trying to listen and figure it out.
This form of listening can be engaged in at any time in a child's life. There will never be a time when non-verbal communication is not present, often signaling some level of distress.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com
