When Infants Cry

When infants cry they are trying to communicate something important to you.  

• Ignore them and you begin establishing a non-responsive parent-child relational pattern.  

• Respond with annoyance and you begin establishing an inconvenienced parent-child relational pattern.  

• Engage in responsive listening and problem-solving and you begin establishing a nurturing parent-child relational pattern. 

During the first three years of life, it is best if parents are available, responsive, and loving in meeting all of the child's needs. 

• Be responsive; warm and loving
• Be verbal; talk, read, and sing to your child
• Encourage safe explorations and play 
• Begin gently teaching and guiding 
• Recognize that each child is unique
• Take care of yourself

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

Say Yes, as Much as Possible

Say Yes!  

Right from birth, you will want to create the belief in your child's mind that life is filled with endless opportunities and possibilities, that the limitations are few.

This is accomplished by saying yes, a lot.

By saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, teach them delayed gratification and impulse control, anticipatory planning and problem solving skills. 

You don't have to start when they are brand new infants.  If you missed the opportunity when they were newborns, Begin, Wherever You Are.

Saying no to children diminishes both the child and the possibility of nurturing this belief. Saying no to children creates a belief in their mind that there are fewer opportunities and possibilities, that they can not do.

OK, I hear your concerns. This is not a recommendation for an unbridled free for all. The idea is to parent intentionally, with a healthy outcome in mind, not to create thoughtless tyrants.  We can say 'yes' and 'no' thoughtfully, judiciously, and intentionally. We can say yes and no within our financial means.  If you say no, you should really mean it.  Read here for more information on this topic. 

I will point out that there are cultures around the world in which parents are traditionally extraordinarily permissive with children from birth to age 5. These children tend to grow up to be very healthy, successful, well-educated, and productive members of society.  

Despite the popular American myth, saying yes thoughtfully, intentionally, and abundantly ... is not a pathway to prison.    

First, baby proof the house.  

When your child begins to move about, if the house is baby proof you will be able to say no way less often and allow for freer exploration.  In a baby proofed house, they are free to explore the many opportunities and possibilities this new life has to offer.  You provide the safety and opportunities and encourage the exploration.  If the house is not baby proof, you will end up feeling anxious, following closely, saying no often, and preventing injury; or not and risking serious injuries.  

No, having the toddler fall down the un-gated stairs does not "toughen them up", but it does risk serious, life-altering head injuries.  (The game of life is played entirely inside one's head. Protecting the brain from injury is critical to parenting success.)    

Parent-child relational habits begin to form at birth.  In the baby proof environment, the word no is spoken minimally, only when required, and is enforced in a firm, gentle, loving manner.  Avoid creating a relational habit of no.  

Being thoughtfully permissive with your child at an early age will not spoil them for life.

As your child grows, you will want to remain thoughtful of two thing: 1) delayed gratification, and 2) impulse control.

Delayed gratification and impulse control are very important abilities to nurture in young children.  Parents can do this be saying yes often, with an important caveat.

• Child: Mom, can I have another cookie? 

• Mom: Yes, of course. After dinner.

This is saying yes, with a time delay. 

• Child: Dad, I want this toy.  Can we buy it?  

• Dad:  Yes, of course.  Lets think it over for a while, see if there might be other things you want more.  If you still want it in 2 months we will get it. 

This is saying yes, with a time delay.

• 12 year old child: Dad, can I drive the car? 

• Dad: Yes, of course. Absolutely.  When you are 15 I will teach you.

Saying yes, with a time delay.

When children are younger, saying yes with a short time delay begins the process of learning the value of delayed gratification.  Yes, you can ... in a few minutes, this afternoon, after dinner, etc.  Saying no, does not teach delayed gratification.  As children age, the time delay can be gradually extended.  If the time delay is beyond the developmental and temperamental grasp of the child, it has no constructive value and will likely elicit a tantrum.  If you say "yes, you can do that in ten years" to a toddler, nothing is gained.     

Saying yes with a time delay begins the process of teaching and practicing impulse control.  With temperamental children, use a timer to make the time delay more tangible.  Start with a short delay and expand it as they practice and improve. Tell your temperamental child that you are helping him practice waiting patiently.  

Celebrate successes and failures. Why celebrate failures?  Because your child is trying.  A failure just means more practice is required. Everything in life is a practice to mastery activity.  If your child was trying to catch a ball, but missed, you would likely say something like:  "ooooh, nice try, Buddy.  Keep practicing.  You'll get it."  It's the same with delayed gratification and tantrums.  

This does not reward the tantrum any more than being encouraging after a missed catch encourages missing.  It encourages the trying and practicing part: the life-time important part.     

We can also teach children the value of planning by saying yes.

• Child:  Mom, can I can over to Johnny's house?  

• Mom:  Yes, of course.  What's your plan for getting your homework done? 

• Child:  I'll do it after I get home. 

• Mom: Well, let's see, how much homework do you have?  Do you think you will be able to get it all done this evening? What if you did some of your homework before going, then you'll only have a small amount to get down later? 

• Child:  It'll be OK, Mom.  I'll get it all done. 

• Mom:  Ok.  Let try it. 

Most parents can predict how this will probably, but not definitely turn out.  The choice for parents is to allow the process to unfurl naturally with learning in mind or just say no.  In this case, the Mom chooses to allow the process and teach anticipatory planning and problem solving skills.  

By saying yes, we facilitate anticipatory planning and problem solving.  Saying no, teaches nothing of value.  Saying yes, also makes room for autonomous decision-making in a safe way.  And, it sets the tone for the problem solving conversation that will occur later, if the plan does not work out well.

It's OK if the plan does not work out well.  

This is part of the learning process.  Children learn from their mistakes if we build their world in a way that leaves room for safely making mistakes.  It's not growth producing for the child to have their parents, who already know many of the lessons of life, to manage them in a way that prevents mistakes through excessive control. Children learn by making mistakes.  Saying no, does not allow for this type of real life learning.

Please see the post on Failing Forward for more discussion on mistakes.

In summary, by saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, delayed gratification and impulse control, and anticipatory planning and problem solving. 

Saying no, teaches none of this.  

         

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

     

The Tragedy of 'No' (Draft)

Draft

The “No” Word 

As many parents have pointed out, the word "no" can create an avalanche of horribly cascading dysregulation, and not just among toddlers.  A toddler's tantrum can be taxing, although sometimes cute, but a toddler's tantrum is never as difficult or as dangerous as the tantrum 'tweens and teens can throw. 

A 'tween's tantrum can become a property destroying rampage; and anything a tween can do, a teen can double-down on.    

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of children and families that I've worked with over the years.   

Mom of an 11 year old: My son can go from zero to tantrum in the blink of an eye.  

me: What's the trigger?   

Mom: When he hears the word "no".  

me: What's the tantrum look like?  

Mom: Oh, it's hell on wheels.  He swears, tips over furniture, breaks things, threatens me, slams doors, punches holes in his bed room walls."

me: What did you say "no" to?

Mom: He wanted more juice .... 

Special note:  No, a "whooping" won't help.  I'll explain another time.

There are three basic rules for the "no" word.

~ Rule #1) If you say it, you have to mean it and make it stick.

~ Rule #2) Don't say it if you don't mean it.

~ Rule #3) If you say it but don't really mean it, ignore rule #1. 

Wait, what? Why ditch rule #1?  Doesn't my kid just have to learn to accept a simple "no"?  Yes, she does.  How many years have you been trying?  How's it going so far? 

If you are happy with the way things are and want to persist along your current path, carry on.  

If you want to try something different, read on.

The reasons we ditch #1.

First, if we said "no" when we did not mean it, saying it was our mistake, not the child's.  We can own the mistake, take responsibility, and work to fix the problem.   

Second, it's just pragmatic. The tantrum is not worth living through.  There is no truly important issue on the table worth tipping the entire family and household over.    

Most importantly, teens, tweens, and younger children who still tantrum tend to be (no, not brats) ... cognitively inflexible. It's a neurological thing.   

Their brains gets stuck.   They need to learn new skills.  

They can have tremendous difficulty shifting mental sets: transitioning from one activity to another; transitioning from a preferred to non-preferred activity; adapting to changing plans, circumstances; etc.  

Stress can make people even more inflexible and life, if nothing else, is highly stressful to kids who are cognitively inflexible.    

Adult inflexibility is not a helpful response in the moment.  It does not role model flexibility. In other words, adult stubbornness teaches and reinforces child stubbornness.  Adult inflexibility supports and encourages child inflexibility.

The adults are responsible for leading by example; to model flexibility. 

Try to meet inflexibility with flexibility, a maladaptive response with an adaptive response.  Role model the adaptive opposite. The opposite of inflexibility is flexibility.

So, what happened to rule #1 above? 

Reserve the word "no" for situations that matter.  

If your 8 year old wants to camp-out in the living room, say yes.  If he asks if he can build a fire pit in the middle of the floor, "no" makes perfect sense.  Or, if your 12 year old asks if she can drive the car down to the store, "no" makes sense. 

These are logical, hard "no" situations.  Safety is at stake.  You say "no" and make it stick.  It's hard to argue with and it really matters.  

There is always room for some skilled finesse in how you say "no", but "no" is the only possible answer in these situations.

You might say, "camping out in the living room is so much fun, but, hmmm, having a fire in the living room might turn out badly.  How about if we make the fire in the back yard?"

This is saying "no", then suggesting (redirecting the child's brain to) a better idea. 

You can say "no" firmly, but empathically.  

Example, "sorry, Buddy, absolutely no to the fire in the living room.  It's not safe.  Our house will burn down." 

Logical "no"s make sense. Kids can understand them even if they do not like them.  

On the other hand,

• Casual "no"s
• Kneejerk "no"s
• Habitual "no"s
• Convenience "no"s

... all tend to be fairly arbitrary.  They don't make sense and can be infuriating. Kids know they don't make sense.  Parents know they don't make sense. It's a no-win situation.  

Tween arriving home from school: "Mom, can I have juice?"

Mom: "no, it's too close to dinner."

Bam!  The tantrum hits in a great explosion.  Swears fly, the book bad soars across the room, smashing the lamp; tween stomps off, slamming doors and crashing around.    

Immediately, Mom knows her  mistake.  This is just not worth fighting about.  What to do, what to do?     

Arbitrary rules and enforcement can be infuriating, not just to children.  Adults get frustrated with arbitrary rules and enforcement.            

There are options. 

Think for a moment about what you really mean before speaking.  Instead of "no, not today", try "yes, we can do that tomorrow (or this weekend, etc)."

Think about how you frame your response.  If you are not sure, be honest.  For example, "hmmmm, I'm not sure.  Let me think about it for a few minutes."  Doing this models thinking things through. Ask a few clarifying questions: how much, how long, what's your plan?  

If you say "no" then try to make it stick but eventually give in to the tantrum, you have sabotaged your authority.  If you say "no" to a situation that does not matter, you come across as thoughtlessly arbitrary ... and sabotaged your authority.   

It’s better if you only say “no” when you really mean “no”. 

If you do say 'no" when you do not mean it, do be open to changing you mind, if possible, when your child uses positive verbal reasoning skills to explain her perspective.

Allowing yourself to being “persuaded” by your child when he uses positive verbal reasoning skills is a good way to help him develop a sense that verbal reasoning skills are valuable and can be used effectively.

Using verbal reasoning skills is the positive opposite adaptive behavior to tantrums and misbehavior.  This is what we want to help our children practice more of.  More verbal reasoning, fewer, less severe tantrums. 

Verbal reasoning is a primary life skill.

Begin, Wherever You Are

It's never too late or too soon.

Wherever you are in your parenting journey, whether with newborn child or young adult, begin teaching problem solving skills, thinking skills, and verbal reasoning skills.

Problem Solving, Thinking, & Verbal Reasoning

There are other important skills (like, how to do laundry, dishes, math, and weak-side layups), but these are the Big Three. All are skills. All are taught, coached, encouraged, trained, and ... practiced, practiced, practiced to mastery over time.

Please keep in mind that skills are increased gradually, incrementally over time only through repetitive practice.

Practice to mastery is the only path to skill development, the only path forward.

We will work toward developing these skills (problem-solving, thinking, verbal reasoning) by practicing on a regular basis the *Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) process developed by Dr. Ross Greene. This process can and should be practiced during all routine problems and more urgent behavioral disruptions.

Patience Required

To begin this process focus first on engaging with your child in empathic, non-judgmental conversations about her perspective on various problems and concerns, working to develop a sense of trust in her that she can safely share her views with you without fear of being criticized, dismissed, or invalidated. 

Listen carefully, for deep understanding. Thank her for sharing her views. 

Tell her you will think about what she has shared and agree to come back to talk with her after you have had the opportunity to think things over. This is a great way to model and practice delayed gratification. 

Do not allow the situation to devolve into argument and hostility. Just listen carefully. If you begin to feel frustration. Say so, then take space and calm down. Promise to come back when you are feeling calmer. See post "Calm Down & Take Space".

Trust is the essential ingredient in developing the type of relationship with your child that will be open to a collaborative problem-solving process and behavior change. Mistrust leads to defensiveness and resistance to change.

Open communication built on trust is the cornerstone piece of the process. Developing and maintaining a trusting relationship will enable you to build / re-build and strengthen an empathic connection with your child.

Note: Parental Burnout

A loss of adult-to-child empathy (burnout) is a very typical problem parents (and staff) experience with behavioral children. The adults are gradually worn down, exhausted by the continuous demands and difficulties, but this decrease in empathic connection (heightened frustration, anger, discouragement) increases the likelihood of ever more severe behavioral difficulties. 

Think quicksand. 

Unless you are able to take a step back, to reconnect with your long-term vision and rebuild your capacity to see the whole child, you will get sucked deeper and deeper into the quagmire.

It is important that we move toward a “non-punitive, non-adversarial, collaborative, proactive, skill-building, relationship-enhancing” approach; reconnecting with love and empathy.


*Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) is the non-punitive, non-adversarial, trauma-informed model of care Dr. Greene originated and describes in his various books, including The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost & Found, and Raising Human Beings.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Think Win-Win, or No Deal

Win-win or no deal is borrowed from Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is a fantastic resource that I strongly recommend. I've incorporated Covey's idea into the collaborative process developed by Ross W. Greene and described in The Explosive Child, another resource I strongly recommend. More about Dr. Greene's approach can be found at his "Lives in the Balance" web site. I strongly encourage you to study these resources thoroughly.


Think Win-Win, Whenever Possible

We are working toward a parent-child collaborative process; outcomes that are mutually agreeable are preferred whenever possible.

Win-lose and lose-win outcomes are not sustainable solutions. 

These types of inequitable outcomes will contribute to growing mistrust and resentment; increasing frustration, anger, hostility — ever acting-out behavior.

Avoid Win-Lose and Lose-Win outcomes as much as possible.

Remember “No Deal”. Rather than accept a win-lose or lose-win proposition, agree to no deal. Then take a break from discussions and try to come up with fresh possibilities. Come back to the discussion later when you have some new ideas in mind for solving the problem in a way that will work well for both you and your child.

Parent-Child Problem Solving

	Parent	Child	Outcome
	Lose	Win	Parent Frustration
	Win	Lose	Child Frustration
	Win	Win	Mutual Satisfaction
No Deal	Think	Think	Delayed

Solutions to problems work best when they work for both of you in a mutually agreeable way. If you cannot come to a reasonable, mutually agreeable solution, no deal is a good temporary conclusion. Agree to disagree for the time being and to discuss it again another time.

If you agree to discuss another time, please make sure you do; especially if you value keeping agreements.

Keep in mind that by using this type of process in problem solving with your children, you are role modeling and teaching by example an excellent life skill; a skill that will serve your children well in all relationships, personal and professional, for many decades to come.

Teaching these important skills when children are young will give them a strong advantage in verbal reasoning and verbal problem-solving over their peers. Verbal reasoning and problem solving are both highly effective and beneficial skills; associated with academic success.

Children who possess good verbal reasoning skills tend to accelerate ahead of their same age peers.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com