Our Little Thought Gremlins

 

Our Little Thought Gremlins 

Most of your thoughts emerge into your awareness from your subconscious.  

You felt it happen when you read that statement.  You had  some sort of instant reaction.  Perhaps it was barely perceptible or maybe it was a quite strong thought.  

• “That’s bunk!” 

• “Hmmm, that’s interesting.”

What was your first thought?  

Where did it come from? It wasn’t there. You read the statement.  Suddenly, it was there in the blink of an eye. 

This happens in simple, unimportant scenarios like this, but it also happens in your personal relationships, your parental relationships, your work relationships, your random interactions with strangers, even with your self. 

Watch what thought leaps instantly into your head the next time you spill your coffee on your nice shirt.  “I am such a dingus!”  

A person cuts you off on the highway. A thought or series of thoughts jumps immediately into your awareness.  Suddenly you’re angry, perhaps.  Where did these thoughts come from? 

What happens to you when you get cut off on the highway or spill your coffee?   What thought(s) leap immediately to mind? Where do these thoughts come from? 

Your instant subconscious reactions, the millions of them that occur every day are guiding your along your path, influencing the decisions you make.  

Your subconscious may be more influential in creating your outcomes than is comfortable to acknowledge.

K. H. Little Consulting Services

Kenneth H. Little, MA

cell: (603) 726-1006

kenlittle-nh.com

Begin, Wherever You Are

It's never too late or too soon.

Wherever you are in your parenting journey, whether with newborn child or young adult, begin teaching problem solving skills, thinking skills, and verbal reasoning skills.

Problem Solving, Thinking, & Verbal Reasoning

There are other important skills (like, how to do laundry, dishes, math, and weak-side layups), but these are the Big Three. All are skills. All are taught, coached, encouraged, trained, and ... practiced, practiced, practiced to mastery over time.

Please keep in mind that skills are increased gradually, incrementally over time only through repetitive practice.

Practice to mastery is the only path to skill development, the only path forward.

We will work toward developing these skills (problem-solving, thinking, verbal reasoning) by practicing on a regular basis the *Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) process developed by Dr. Ross Greene. This process can and should be practiced during all routine problems and more urgent behavioral disruptions.

Patience Required

To begin this process focus first on engaging with your child in empathic, non-judgmental conversations about her perspective on various problems and concerns, working to develop a sense of trust in her that she can safely share her views with you without fear of being criticized, dismissed, or invalidated. 

Listen carefully, for deep understanding. Thank her for sharing her views. 

Tell her you will think about what she has shared and agree to come back to talk with her after you have had the opportunity to think things over. This is a great way to model and practice delayed gratification. 

Do not allow the situation to devolve into argument and hostility. Just listen carefully. If you begin to feel frustration. Say so, then take space and calm down. Promise to come back when you are feeling calmer. See post "Calm Down & Take Space".

Trust is the essential ingredient in developing the type of relationship with your child that will be open to a collaborative problem-solving process and behavior change. Mistrust leads to defensiveness and resistance to change.

Open communication built on trust is the cornerstone piece of the process. Developing and maintaining a trusting relationship will enable you to build / re-build and strengthen an empathic connection with your child.

Note: Parental Burnout

A loss of adult-to-child empathy (burnout) is a very typical problem parents (and staff) experience with behavioral children. The adults are gradually worn down, exhausted by the continuous demands and difficulties, but this decrease in empathic connection (heightened frustration, anger, discouragement) increases the likelihood of ever more severe behavioral difficulties. 

Think quicksand. 

Unless you are able to take a step back, to reconnect with your long-term vision and rebuild your capacity to see the whole child, you will get sucked deeper and deeper into the quagmire.

It is important that we move toward a “non-punitive, non-adversarial, collaborative, proactive, skill-building, relationship-enhancing” approach; reconnecting with love and empathy.


*Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) is the non-punitive, non-adversarial, trauma-informed model of care Dr. Greene originated and describes in his various books, including The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost & Found, and Raising Human Beings.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com