Successive Approximations ... Toward Success

A brief talk with a colleague this morning prompted me to write this short essay. She was describing to me how frustrating it is to walk out into the living room and realize how much mess has accumulated while your children sit and giggle watching youtube videos, apparently oblivious to the carnage surrounding them.

I know this feeling.  It can be infuriating. The urge to scream can be powerful.


But First, Ask ... is this an emergency?

Take a step back.  Evaluate.  Is this an emergency?  Is anyone gushing blood or on fire?  If yes, it's an emergency -- stay calm, think clearly, take action.  If no one is gushing blood or on fire, there is no emergency -- stay calm, think clearly, delay taking action.  Emergency or not, stay calm - think with a clear head.

Own the Problem

First, always own the problem.  If the family is not functioning as desired, responsibility falls to the leadership. The family leaders are responsible for creating the necessary systems and structures and for providing the support and training needed to facilitate the desired outcome.  Consider for a moment, if your knee-jerk reaction is to blame the children ... you are committing a fundamental attribution error.  Your children have always existed within your family culture.   

1. Take a step back.  Clear your head.
2. Consider the problem carefully, where is the breakdown?
3. Consider potential solutions - what needs to be changed or re-organized?
4. Convene a family meeting, include all stake holders.
5. Explain the problem and your vision of the desired outcome. 
6. Invite members to problem solve - on how to get from the current situation to the desired outcome. 
7. Brainstorm, Try-storm, Generate a list of potential solutions. 
8. Evaluate potential solutions for goodness of fit. 
9. Pick the best.  Agreeable to all.
10. Agree to implement on a trial basis. 
11. After a short trial period, evaluate outcome. 
12. If the problem is solved, carry on. 
13. If the problem is not solved, return to step 1.

Successive Approximations

Understand this term.  Successive approximation describes a process of gradually refining outcomes to come closer and closer to the envisioned standard.  At first family members may not be skilled in accomplishing the tasks as required.  For example, vacuuming may be disorganized, the dish washer may be loaded incorrectly, etc.  All tasks and activities start out sloppy and improve with practice and training over time.

In the illustration above, step 4 represents the desired outcome.  It's fairly tight, precise, on target.  Step 1 represents the not very precise first approximation.  With training and practice outcomes improve through the steps. The 4 steps illustrated above is more symbolic than actual.  When it comes to raising children, the are many, many more steps in achieving success.

Set-backs and Regressions

It's important to expect set-backs and regressions.  The process of improvement looks more like a stock market graph that a straight line.   The are periods of growth followed by regressions and set-back as each family member navigates various struggles and challenges, and experiences of success. During easier times, expect performance improvement.  During tough times, expect regression, performance decline. Teach and practice regrouping skills, the ability to bounce back from adversity. 

Be Supportive

Encourage and re-assure. Practice leads to mastery. Failure is not a disaster, but an opportunity to be supportive, evaluate what went wrong, and to make improvements over time. Failures are opportunities to practice regrouping skills.   




 

Developing Character Strength (part 1)

Character strength is required in order to overcome the obstacles, challenges, and hardships of life.
 
No life goes unchallenged, is free from hurdles and hardship.  As parents, it is our purpose to endow our children with the skills, characteristics, and values they will need, not just to survive periods of intense difficulty, but to be ready and able to rise to the occasion.
 
*****

Many parents understand this.  However, some parents believe they must subject their children to hardship and drive them relentlessly as preparation. 

I disagree with this perspective on parenting.

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of the children and families I've worked with over the years. 

A safe, secure attachment and a safe and loving home is the strongest foundation for success in life.

Parents do not prepare children for hardship by being harsh or cruel to them.  Parents prepare children for hardships by providing a safe, loving environment at home; by gently and intentionally instilling the necessary values and nurturing the character strengths that will be required to face the challenges of the outside world.

It's the challenges of life that provide children with the opportunities to hone character, values, and skills; not the hardships imposed at home.  

At the end of each day, we come home to a safe, loving environment in order to recover speedily from the challenges faced in the world and prepare to go back out again. 

Love nurtures successful children.  Cruelty only weakens and depletes.

 Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Begin, Wherever You Are

It's never too late or too soon.

Wherever you are in your parenting journey, whether with newborn child or young adult, begin teaching problem solving skills, thinking skills, and verbal reasoning skills.

Problem Solving, Thinking, & Verbal Reasoning

There are other important skills (like, how to do laundry, dishes, math, and weak-side layups), but these are the Big Three. All are skills. All are taught, coached, encouraged, trained, and ... practiced, practiced, practiced to mastery over time.

Please keep in mind that skills are increased gradually, incrementally over time only through repetitive practice.

Practice to mastery is the only path to skill development, the only path forward.

We will work toward developing these skills (problem-solving, thinking, verbal reasoning) by practicing on a regular basis the *Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) process developed by Dr. Ross Greene. This process can and should be practiced during all routine problems and more urgent behavioral disruptions.

Patience Required

To begin this process focus first on engaging with your child in empathic, non-judgmental conversations about her perspective on various problems and concerns, working to develop a sense of trust in her that she can safely share her views with you without fear of being criticized, dismissed, or invalidated. 

Listen carefully, for deep understanding. Thank her for sharing her views. 

Tell her you will think about what she has shared and agree to come back to talk with her after you have had the opportunity to think things over. This is a great way to model and practice delayed gratification. 

Do not allow the situation to devolve into argument and hostility. Just listen carefully. If you begin to feel frustration. Say so, then take space and calm down. Promise to come back when you are feeling calmer. See post "Calm Down & Take Space".

Trust is the essential ingredient in developing the type of relationship with your child that will be open to a collaborative problem-solving process and behavior change. Mistrust leads to defensiveness and resistance to change.

Open communication built on trust is the cornerstone piece of the process. Developing and maintaining a trusting relationship will enable you to build / re-build and strengthen an empathic connection with your child.

Note: Parental Burnout

A loss of adult-to-child empathy (burnout) is a very typical problem parents (and staff) experience with behavioral children. The adults are gradually worn down, exhausted by the continuous demands and difficulties, but this decrease in empathic connection (heightened frustration, anger, discouragement) increases the likelihood of ever more severe behavioral difficulties. 

Think quicksand. 

Unless you are able to take a step back, to reconnect with your long-term vision and rebuild your capacity to see the whole child, you will get sucked deeper and deeper into the quagmire.

It is important that we move toward a “non-punitive, non-adversarial, collaborative, proactive, skill-building, relationship-enhancing” approach; reconnecting with love and empathy.


*Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) is the non-punitive, non-adversarial, trauma-informed model of care Dr. Greene originated and describes in his various books, including The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost & Found, and Raising Human Beings.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com