Payment for Chores? No.

Never pay children for helping out at home.

Being a cooperative and productive member of the family, making a contribution to the whole, is an expected part of life.

Raising children according to a constructive value system is foundational to preparing children for a good, happy, healthy, successful life.

Values:

• Clean up after your self
• Pitch in
• Be cooperative
• Be helpful
• Be respectful of self, others, property.

All of these values are part of helping out at home.

If kids want more money, they can help themselves and the family by earning it outside the family.

Paying children to help out at home does not teach a valuable life lesson. Children come pre-wired to be good workers and you will teach them budgeting and purchasing skills as they are growing up.  The vast majority of young children want to help out at home; they want to load the dishwasher and washing machine, move laundry from washer to dryer, run the vacuum cleaner, etc. If they don't naturally want to help out, for whatever reason, it's your job to teach them gradually and progressively across time these important values. 

Too many parents shoo children away from helping while they are young.  This is counter-productive. Accept their help gladly and make it fun, even if it takes longer.  Think about it?  Is your priority to get the laundry done or to teach your children all of the skills and values they will need to have a good life? 

If you shoo your children away from helping when they are young, do not expect them to help willingly when they are teens.    

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

 

Developing Character Strength (part 1)

Character strength is required in order to overcome the obstacles, challenges, and hardships of life.
 
No life goes unchallenged, is free from hurdles and hardship.  As parents, it is our purpose to endow our children with the skills, characteristics, and values they will need, not just to survive periods of intense difficulty, but to be ready and able to rise to the occasion.
 
*****

Many parents understand this.  However, some parents believe they must subject their children to hardship and drive them relentlessly as preparation. 

I disagree with this perspective on parenting.

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of the children and families I've worked with over the years. 

A safe, secure attachment and a safe and loving home is the strongest foundation for success in life.

Parents do not prepare children for hardship by being harsh or cruel to them.  Parents prepare children for hardships by providing a safe, loving environment at home; by gently and intentionally instilling the necessary values and nurturing the character strengths that will be required to face the challenges of the outside world.

It's the challenges of life that provide children with the opportunities to hone character, values, and skills; not the hardships imposed at home.  

At the end of each day, we come home to a safe, loving environment in order to recover speedily from the challenges faced in the world and prepare to go back out again. 

Love nurtures successful children.  Cruelty only weakens and depletes.

 Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

A Brief Note on Parent Advocacy

Square Peg, Meet Round Hole

Parent Advocacy

Often times it may seem as if the systems and institutions our children are required to navigate are set in place to conspire against them.


*****
 
Children will face many challenges as they grow and develop.   

There are times during which we will be required to advocate for system change on behalf of our children. The system may or may not respond in a constructive manner. Some elements may; others may not.

Regardless of how the system responds, these situations also provide us with a golden opportunity to coach our children on the character strengths, values, and skills needed to successfully navigate difficult situations and systems in life.

Very few systems are perfect, if any.  The vast majority of work places are mediocre, at best.   As reported in a Harvard Business Review article, a study by Life Meets Work found that 56% of American workers claim their boss is mildly or highly toxic. A study by the American Psychological Association found that 75% of Americans say their “boss is the most stressful part of their workday.”

This is what we are preparing our children for. 

I'm not advocating for non-advocacy.  Please do advocate for your children, on their behalf.  What I am suggesting is that advocacy, while important, is only one side of the coin.  The other side is skill development, value system development, and character strength development.  These are the assets children will need in order to be ready to enter the workforce.  

As parents, our job is neither to force our children to conform to the system nor to force the system to perfectly fit our children.  

While we can work to mold the system into something more comfortable and effective, our primary job is to help our children develop the character strengths, values, and skills they will need to navigate obstacles and overcome difficulty successfully throughout life.  

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Synchronizing Values with Rules (worksheet)

The following is excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide.

One of the most important things that parents can do while raising children is to teach them the importance of having strong character traits (more on this later) and a strong value system.  A strong value system will guide children through the many challenges and difficulties they will likely encounter as they grow into adolescents and begin to move out into the world on their own. 

Sometimes, family values become lost in the day-to-day grind and parents lose contact with the values that are so very important to them.  By staying in touch with our values, we can keep them in the forefront of our parenting efforts where they will guide us to do the most good and be gifted by example to our children.

As an exercise, sit down and consider what your family value system is.  Make a list of the most important values, the top 5 for starters.  Then examine your family's rules as they are expressed in day-to-day interactions -- how they actually play out.  Sometimes or often there is a conflict between what we think the family rules are and what they actually are in practice. 

For example: many families value respect: respect for self, respect for others, and respect for property.   Is respect represented not only in your family rules, but does it guide your family's daily interactions?  Is respect guiding your parental interactions with your children?  

What is your family value system?

List Values:

 Ex: Respect -- self, others, property

___________________________

___________________________

___________________________

___________________________

___________________________

Family rules should be logically connected to your family’s value system.

What are your Family's Rules?

Examples of respect-based rules: speak respectfully to others; brush your teeth, bathe, wear clean clothes, eat healthy food, etc.; don't jump on the furniture or write on the walls, put your bike away, clean up any mess you make, help with chores, etc. 

List rules:   

___________________________

___________________________

___________________________

___________________________

___________________________

Please keep in mind that the way we behave as adults in any given moment may or may not express our value system. The purpose of this exercise is to help us remain more consistent with our value system, even in the heat of the moment.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Parents Are The Lighthouse

The Lighthouse

The lighthouse stands on solid, stable ground.  It is a beacon of hope.  It warns of danger and guides to safety.  The waters around a lighthouse can be turbulent at times. 

Parents are like the lighthouse.  Parents are strong and stable.  Parents are a beacon of hope, warning of danger and guiding children toward safety. 

When children are emotionally unstable, when they are being tossed in the emotional turbulence of life, parents do not jump into the turbulence with their children.  Parent/s endeavor to remain stable and calm.  Parents invite children to come out of the turbulent waters. 

When the parent/s become emotionally unstable, when they join their children in the turbulent waters … all is lost … until the parent/s can regain their composure, return to the safe, stable ground above the crashing waves.

Parents invite children to come out of the turbulence, to come to safety, to join them on the safe, stable ground. 

All of the above applies to behavioral staff.  

Printable PDF

K. H. Little Consulting Services

Kenneth H. Little, MA

cell: (603) 726-1006

kenlittle-nh.com

Medication Risks

Washington Post: Study Finds Possible Link Between Childhood Deaths and Stimulants for ADHD - washingtonpost.com

My response to the above headline is just below. Further down, I added some of the follow-up discussion from people who have struggled with ADHD.

Children with ADHD are several times more likely to have accidental injuries requiring emergency room treatment and die from accidental causes; ADHD teens are more likely to have serious automobile accidents and are at a much higher risk of unwanted pregnancy. The negative impact of ADHD on academic performance, peer acceptance, and self-esteem can be enormous -- all contributing to negative adult outcomes. ADHD is a significant childhood difficulty with many significant risks. All of the pros and cons have to be weighed in making a decision on how to support ADHD children in achieving better outcomes.

Best wishes,

Ken

See some of the follow-up comments posted in this Washington Post discussion:

Greg Sleter at 9:34am June 16
"As a parent with a son who has ADD, we did a great deal of research into behavior modification before going to medication. My son does not take Ritalin, but takes another medication and it has helped him immensely. He was not completing school assignments and losing focus when taking test. Since his diagnosis, his school work has improved immensely... Read More and his confidence has grown as well. While constant study and review of this topic is necessary, please don't paint everyone with a broad brush stroke. And thanks to Ken (see above) for his comments. In many cases this is not about "bratty" kids or drinking too much soda. ADD is a medical condition no different than, say, diabetes and needs to be treated."

Josh Rouch at 9:37am June 16
"Ken Little: you're awesome. Its like seeing my childhood summed up in one paragraph. lol. There are always risks involved when taking medication, particular narcotics but that does not mean that the risk isn't worth taking. It depends on what degree of risk. And I can personally attest to Ken Little's comment in that without ADHD meds like Ritalin ... Read MoreI would of been at higher risk of accidental injury. As it stands (or stood?), before I was medicated I got part of my finger cut off in a door, cracked my head open several times, and had my foot partially amputated by a riding lawnmower all before I was 7 or 8 years old. Then in college when my meds weren't working properly, I fell off a forklift from 18 feet and now have a traumatic brain injury. Thank god though for ADHD meds when I was growing up. I wouldn't have survived childhood socially, academically, or perhaps even literally."

Bonnie Brownstein Schendell at 9:37am June 16
"Ken Little hit the nail on the head with his post. I have a son with ADHD. It was my husband and me who knew something was awry long before school even began...and to the person who said it's soda related, get real. My son drinks no soda! His hyperactivity is not much of an issue anymore, but his impulsiveness and lack of focus are. And if you... Read More knew much of anything about the drugs, they don't make kids into zombies. That was the old days. And there are many drugs out there. Also, any informed pediatrician will have the patients go for heart scans, etc. My son just had his annual EKG...perfect results.

Please be informed before passing judgement."

Michele Somers Cullen at 9:53am June 16
Our 7-year-old is dyslexic and must attend a school geared toward teaching dyslexic kids. It's a very intense program, but it works. Before Ritalin the school said that he was being rejected because he was simply unable to focus on the work at hand (on the trial days), and that they didn't think they'd be able to teach him with that lack of ... Read Morefocus. After Ritalin, he was able to focus just fine, and as a result of attending that school, he's reading now. Our little dyslexic boy is reading on the same level as rising 2nd graders from a traditional classroom.

I understand completely the fears that arise as a result of over-prescribing drugs like Ritalin,and we had to weigh the pros and cons. He just seemed so young to be put on Ritalin, and hyperactivity was never his problem. (His ADHD was the "inattentive type.") But there are times when it truly is the answer. Until something better comes along, we're sticking with what helps him the most.

Behavioral Problems

Behavioral Problems

Families and schools have a wide range of ideas and beliefs about what constitutes a behavior problem and a range of expectations for what level of behavioral compliance is reasonable. Further, our understanding of what "normal behavior" is not well understood. One informal study estimates that average children follow approximately 70% of their parent’s instructions. Is that good, bad, or medium? That depends on the family’s expectations for compliance. Family "A" may think that 70% compliance is fantastic, while family "B" sees it as horrible.

The same applies to school systems and teachers. Expectations for behavioral compliance alter the way in which behavior is assessed and interpreted.

Behavior problems beyond what is developmentally appropriate (one would hardly expect a toddler or a teen to be completely well behaved) can and should be seen as an indication that something is wrong, that the child or adolescent is in distress. This seems straightforward enough, almost obvious; but the "something" that is wrong is far more difficult to identify than would first appear; and the solution can be even more daunting.

To make matters even more difficult, children often don’t tell us what the problem is, children only show us that there is a problem with their behavior. Our job is to decode the message and detect the source of distress. We then need to devise a coherent and effective intervention.

Children experience distress for many reasons and from several different sources. To understand this complexity we have to think of a child as a dynamic unique organism complete with his / her own special set of characteristics and attributes. For example, infants come complete with their own distinct personalities, characteristics, and abilities. Some are temperamental and some easy going; some are affectionate and some distant; some are very outgoing and social and others are shy. Some children walk sooner; other children talk sooner. Each child is unique. As children grow they interact with their world – home, school, neighborhood, and community, and so on – in more and more complex ways. Young children usually have limited exposure to others. However, exposure to the world expands as children age. They move farther and farther out into the world encountering ever more people, situations, and environments.

As the child's world grows more complex so too does the likelihood that friction will develop, that something will "rub" the wrong way. That’s the natural course of life. But for some children, it’s this interactive friction between the child and some part of the environment that is the root cause of many behavioral problems and conflicts.

Families and schools wishing to address the misbehavior of children must seek to understand not only the child, but also the child's environment (the situation and system), and the child-environment interaction. For most children with behavioral problems there is a mismatch somewhere in the child-environment interaction.

Interventions can be designed to modify the environment to be more favorable to the child, thereby alleviating enough of the discomfort to allow for improved performance. An alternative approach is to enhance the child’s skills set in order to improve performance through more
effective, adaptive coping skills. A combination of environmental modification and skill enhancement may be the most beneficial strategy in both the short and long run.

Children experiencing distress beyond threshold levels may fail to mature and gather new skills as they age. Constant distress tends to drain the child’s emotional resources and as a result contribute to regressed behavioral patterns, heightened situational reactivity, and maladaptive coping strategies. In this situation the child’s behavior will deteriorate at a fairly steady rate over time, problems become compounded, and the situation worsens as the crisis state approaches.

Family Behavior Management

Families struggling to exist with behavior challenged children and teens will recognize the deteriorating state. As the problem grows for the child it also becomes more daunting for parents and siblings. And as the burden increases the family will reach it’s own threshold of tolerance. As the stress load passes this threshold family functioning can become severely impaired. Parenting techniques and tactics regress, become reactive (rather than proactive), and maladaptive management strategies may become the primary mechanism of behavior management. This state once reached so taxes internal resources that parents and siblings often react out of shear desperation.

How to Turn It Around

Behavior management and behavior modification are the primary points of intervention. Modifications and accommodations to or within the environment are effective and essential components too.

Behavior management is the skill set that other’s acquire in order to more effectively manage a child’s behavior. Behavior modification is a skilled and targeted activity designed to change behavior gradually over time. Behavior change occurs in two directions at the same time: suppression of negative or unwanted behaviors and encouragement of new more positive and adaptive behaviors. The primary effort is on the growth of new, more positive behaviors to replace or make obsolete, the negative behaviors. Suppression of unwanted behavior is desirable, but alone does nothing to encourage the growth of positive and adaptive behavior.

Behavior is not the only concern. The over-riding concern is the internalization of a positive value system. Value systems derive from family, school, and community; each having perhaps a unique set of prized values. Families may foster more autonomy while schools may foster a sense of cooperation. Both autonomy and cooperation are valued assets in navigating the complex social world in which we live.

Sincerely,

Kenneth H. Little, MA
Thornton, NH 03285
603-726-1006
KenLittle50@gmail.com
https://www.achieve-es.com