Education: Improving System Success

It's not the fault of the teachers.

It's not the fault of the parents.

It's not the students ...

 ********************************************

You can always tell when a system is in trouble when blaming exceeds problem-solving.

Let's stop blaming and get on with the work of solving.

For many children, the public school system works just fine.  For some, the curriculum speed moves to slowly; for others, it moves too quickly.

To solve this, how about if we match curriculum speed to each student's unique learning speed?

Students should be able to gain 90%+ mastery on every single learning unit from kindergarten on before seeing the next learning unit.

Children who move forward with less than 90% mastery have ever increasing learning gaps accumulating as they move through the grades. Can they get away with 80% mastery?  Yes, but it's not a preferred outcome.  Can students get away with 70% mastery?  Every now and then, but if kids are chronic B-C-D students, while moving forward in the grades, they are developing ever expanding learning gaps making academic and emotional failure more and more likely.

We should shoot for at least 90% mastery on every single learning unit to ensure that all students - every single one -- understands each learning unit complete, that each has achieved mastery.

No, this does not mean holding fast learners back. Fast learners can be given the next learning unit as soon as they gain 90% mastery on the current unit.  Fast learners can zoom ahead, as quickly and as far as they desire -- to infinity and beyond!

Does this harm slower learners?  No, not at all.  They will be able to achieve 90%+ mastery on every single learning unit, something that they never have the chance to achieve in the current educational paradigm.

We cluster children according to their chronological age.  Chronological age is the least relevant criteria for clustering children into educational environments, while subject specific neurological readiness is the most important.
 
We know this, but still cluster children according to age and expect some to scurry along desperately trying to keep up, while simultaneously holding fast learners back; and then scratch our heads when children lose interest and under-perform.
 
Why we do this is a mind boggling mystery. 
 
Curriculum speed needs to consider specific student factors, including family factors.
 
I do not blame teachers.  I understand that teachers are trapped in the exact same system students are trapped in, and that teacher performance is also negatively impacted by the system within which they are trapped. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com 

Corporal Punishment (part 3)

Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children

American Academy of Pediatrics

Abstract

Pediatricians are a source of advice for parents and guardians concerning the management of child behavior, including discipline strategies that are used to teach appropriate behavior and protect their children and others from the adverse effects of challenging behavior. Aversive disciplinary strategies, including all forms of corporal punishment and yelling at or shaming children, are minimally effective in the short-term and not effective in the long-term. With new evidence, researchers link corporal punishment to an increased risk of negative behavioral, cognitive, psychosocial, and emotional outcomes for children. In this Policy Statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics provides guidance for pediatricians and other child health care providers on educating parents about positive and effective parenting strategies of discipline for children at each stage of development as well as references to educational materials. This statement supports the need for adults to avoid physical punishment and verbal abuse of children.

https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/142/6/e20183112

Payment for Chores? No.

Never pay children for helping out at home.

Being a cooperative and productive member of the family, making a contribution to the whole, is an expected part of life.

Raising children according to a constructive value system is foundational to preparing children for a good, happy, healthy, successful life.

Values:

• Clean up after your self
• Pitch in
• Be cooperative
• Be helpful
• Be respectful of self, others, property.

All of these values are part of helping out at home.

If kids want more money, they can help themselves and the family by earning it outside the family.

Paying children to help out at home does not teach a valuable life lesson. Children come pre-wired to be good workers and you will teach them budgeting and purchasing skills as they are growing up.  The vast majority of young children want to help out at home; they want to load the dishwasher and washing machine, move laundry from washer to dryer, run the vacuum cleaner, etc. If they don't naturally want to help out, for whatever reason, it's your job to teach them gradually and progressively across time these important values. 

Too many parents shoo children away from helping while they are young.  This is counter-productive. Accept their help gladly and make it fun, even if it takes longer.  Think about it?  Is your priority to get the laundry done or to teach your children all of the skills and values they will need to have a good life? 

If you shoo your children away from helping when they are young, do not expect them to help willingly when they are teens.    

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

 

Behavioral Process: Step by Step

Rule #1 Believe that “children do well if they can.”  If they aren’t doing well, wonder why that is - what is interfering. 

Establish realistic expectations that the child is, in reality, capable of achieving.  Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, increased behavioral difficulties, and to foster a sense of ineffectiveness, helplessness, and worthlessness.

Implementation Dip. 

• When you begin a new intervention .. expect things to get worse first.  
• It all works best if the process is entered into collaboratively -- with parent and child / teacher and child in agreement. 
• Let child know what is changing before beginning
• If you change your approach / style and they don't know why, it can make kids anxious and defensive. 

Visualize Success. 

• What will success look like?  
• What are you trying to accomplish?
• What is your purpose?
• What are your short, mid-range, and long-term objectives?
• Flip negative behaviors into their positive opposites.

Move Toward Success Slowly, Progressively, Patiently, Persistently.

• Practice patience.
• Be persistent in your effort to achieve success. 
• Gradually, thoughtfully shape behavior through successive approximations.  
• Expect set-back, ups and down; regressions happen. Behavior is not linear.  When the going gets tough, people regress.  
• Be practical -- close enough really does count. It never needs to be perfect.  We are working a practice to mastery activity.     

Analyze the Task / Situational Demands.

• What are the required steps
• Environmental factors
• Time of day factors
• Competing  factors
• Where is the breakdown?

Evaluate Skill Level.  

• What skills are fully developed
• What skills are partially developed
• What skills are not developed

Assess Developmental Stage: challenges should be matched to developmental capacities.

• Cognitive
• Emotional
• Biological
• Chronological.  Age is the least relevant in terms of developmental capacities, especially in school.  Each child follows a unique developmental trajectory moving at it's own pace.  Age does not tell us anything about ability.    

Develop Behavioral Plan Collaboratively (parents and children)

• Identify problem
• Generate potential solutions
• Choose the best solution
• Implement plan collaboratively (parents and children).
• Launch plan
• Monitor progress
• Evaluate Outcome

Reward & Celebrate Successes. 

• Partial success
• Proportional success (e.g.: minutes success v. minutes of failure, etc.)
• Tangible rewards
• Intangible rewards

Analyze & Celebrate Failure. 

→ Return to step 1, as needed.

Critical Components

• Be Optimistic
• Be Supportive and encouraging.
• Do not criticize.  
• Emphasize mastery: Practice to improve / practice to mastery / practice never makes perfect

Anger:

• Anger is normal / natural / helpful.  Anger tells us when something is wrong, when there is a problem we need to attend to.  
• Anger can inspire action. 
• Anger can lead to determined effort.
• Everyone gets angry
• Too much anger is bad - build an anger management plan

Anger management activities must be implemented prior to reaching the threshold of anger.  As anger increases people become increasingly irrational.  To intervene with anger plan, the intervention must happen before the brain dissolves into an irrational mass of goo. 

• Adult initiated 
• Child initiated

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com

A Guide to Behavioral Intervention

A Guide to Behavioral Intervention

Assess intellectual, instructional, learning, and situational factors and how they affect / contribute to the behavior problem. Develop and utilize a decision-making tree.

• Identify specific problem behaviors and their source / function.
• Conceptualize positive alternative behaviors.
• Progressively teach, coach, and support the student in developing and utilizing the positive alternatives: healthy, value-system-based behavioral and coping strategies in support of school / community / family success.
• Encourage the practice and progressive growth of positive alternative behaviors with coaching and positive, proactive behavioral planning.
• Scaffold: provide more support, encouragement, and behavioral skill instruction until the child begins to show some sense of competence, then wean and monitor.  
• Alter academic / instructional components as needed in accordance with assessment data and educational best practices.
• Establish realistic expectations that the child is capable of achieving. Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, inspire behavioral problems, and foster a sense of ineffectiveness and helplessness.
• Provide a reasonable and constructive disciplinary structure that will work in support of the positive behavior plan to contain and reduce the frequency and / or intensity of the problem behavior over time while simultaneously facilitating positive behavioral growth and academic progress. 
• Collaboration between the child, family, and school personnel is essential. Fractured teams may contribute to costly, counter-productive and / or harmful outcomes.
• Ongoing assessment and outcome evaluation is an essential component.
• Ongoing assessment enhances understanding and accurate conceptualization of the problem.
• If, after a reasonable trial period, whatever is being tried is not producing positive results then reassessment; a different plan or approach may be needed.
• Reasonable trial periods and outcome assessments guide the process.
• There are no guarantees in behavioral work.

Research indicates that gentle, patient, and positive interventions lead to better long-term outcomes.  Avoid critical, punitive, and harsh disciplinary measures as much as possible.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

Coercive Transaction Cycle

Coercive Transactions

Imagine an argument you've had with either a child or significant other, one that spins out of control and get's pretty heated.  Keep this in mind while you are reading the interaction described below.  The interaction might be triggered by your child not doing something, not taking the trash out, or moving too slowly, like while getting ready for school.  The interaction can also be triggered by your child doing something undesirable. Do you recognize the pattern?  

“Coercion refers to a sequence of interactions between the child and parent. The sequence includes actions and reactions that increase the frequency and amplitude of angry, hostile, and aggressive behaviors. The sequence may begin with an argument over some action that has or has not been performed. It intensifies through verbal statements (e.g.: yelling, swearing) to more intensive actions (e.g., hitting, shoving). Ultimately, one person gives in or backs away from the interaction. In other words, the high-intensity interaction of one person ends the aversive behavior of the other person." (Kazdin) 

Basically, Person A (the child in this case) in the interaction responds to a parental action (comment, limit, etc) with mild hostility.  Person B (the parent) responds with mildly hostile behavior.  Person A increases the level of hostility as the interaction continues.  Person B increases hostility as the interaction continues.  Person A increases hostility high enough to cause Person B to discontinue their hostile behavior.  The discontinuation of Person B's hostility inadvertently rewards / reinforces the use of Person A's hostile behavior. 

This is a win-lose outcome.  In this case, Person A "wins" the interaction and will be more likely to utilize hostile behavior in the future.  Person B "loses" the interaction.  Losing fosters anger and resentment, which makes it more likely that hostility will be present at the very beginning of the next interaction. 

Note: it's not recommended that either person persist in using hostility instead of discontinuing the interaction.  It's also important to know the outcome can be reversed, in which case Person B "wins" the interaction and is inadvertently rewarded for using hostile behavior.  Who ever is the person in charge, is responsible for disengaging from the argument and calling for a short break to cool things down.  After cooling off period, the adult invites the child to enter into a conversation that will solve the problem in a mutually agreeable manner: win-win, instead of lose-win or win-lose.       

“In the context of oppositional and aggressive behavior among children … Several [adult] practices are known to foster child deviance, particularly child aggression. These practices include:

• attending to and reinforcing deviant child behavior,
• using commands excessively,
• using harsh punishment,
• failing to attend to appropriate child behavior,
• engaging in coercive adult-child interchanges,
• and failing to monitor children (e.g., their whereabouts).

This research has established that adult practices can directly foster and increase aggressive child behavior.” (Kazdin, 2005, p. 167)

Bibliography:

Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.

When Infants Cry

When infants cry they are trying to communicate something important to you.  

• Ignore them and you begin establishing a non-responsive parent-child relational pattern.  

• Respond with annoyance and you begin establishing an inconvenienced parent-child relational pattern.  

• Engage in responsive listening and problem-solving and you begin establishing a nurturing parent-child relational pattern. 

During the first three years of life, it is best if parents are available, responsive, and loving in meeting all of the child's needs. 

• Be responsive; warm and loving
• Be verbal; talk, read, and sing to your child
• Encourage safe explorations and play 
• Begin gently teaching and guiding 
• Recognize that each child is unique
• Take care of yourself

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

Say Yes, as Much as Possible

Say Yes!  

Right from birth, you will want to create the belief in your child's mind that life is filled with endless opportunities and possibilities, that the limitations are few.

This is accomplished by saying yes, a lot.

By saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, teach them delayed gratification and impulse control, anticipatory planning and problem solving skills. 

You don't have to start when they are brand new infants.  If you missed the opportunity when they were newborns, Begin, Wherever You Are.

Saying no to children diminishes both the child and the possibility of nurturing this belief. Saying no to children creates a belief in their mind that there are fewer opportunities and possibilities, that they can not do.

OK, I hear your concerns. This is not a recommendation for an unbridled free for all. The idea is to parent intentionally, with a healthy outcome in mind, not to create thoughtless tyrants.  We can say 'yes' and 'no' thoughtfully, judiciously, and intentionally. We can say yes and no within our financial means.  If you say no, you should really mean it.  Read here for more information on this topic. 

I will point out that there are cultures around the world in which parents are traditionally extraordinarily permissive with children from birth to age 5. These children tend to grow up to be very healthy, successful, well-educated, and productive members of society.  

Despite the popular American myth, saying yes thoughtfully, intentionally, and abundantly ... is not a pathway to prison.    

First, baby proof the house.  

When your child begins to move about, if the house is baby proof you will be able to say no way less often and allow for freer exploration.  In a baby proofed house, they are free to explore the many opportunities and possibilities this new life has to offer.  You provide the safety and opportunities and encourage the exploration.  If the house is not baby proof, you will end up feeling anxious, following closely, saying no often, and preventing injury; or not and risking serious injuries.  

No, having the toddler fall down the un-gated stairs does not "toughen them up", but it does risk serious, life-altering head injuries.  (The game of life is played entirely inside one's head. Protecting the brain from injury is critical to parenting success.)    

Parent-child relational habits begin to form at birth.  In the baby proof environment, the word no is spoken minimally, only when required, and is enforced in a firm, gentle, loving manner.  Avoid creating a relational habit of no.  

Being thoughtfully permissive with your child at an early age will not spoil them for life.

As your child grows, you will want to remain thoughtful of two thing: 1) delayed gratification, and 2) impulse control.

Delayed gratification and impulse control are very important abilities to nurture in young children.  Parents can do this be saying yes often, with an important caveat.

• Child: Mom, can I have another cookie? 

• Mom: Yes, of course. After dinner.

This is saying yes, with a time delay. 

• Child: Dad, I want this toy.  Can we buy it?  

• Dad:  Yes, of course.  Lets think it over for a while, see if there might be other things you want more.  If you still want it in 2 months we will get it. 

This is saying yes, with a time delay.

• 12 year old child: Dad, can I drive the car? 

• Dad: Yes, of course. Absolutely.  When you are 15 I will teach you.

Saying yes, with a time delay.

When children are younger, saying yes with a short time delay begins the process of learning the value of delayed gratification.  Yes, you can ... in a few minutes, this afternoon, after dinner, etc.  Saying no, does not teach delayed gratification.  As children age, the time delay can be gradually extended.  If the time delay is beyond the developmental and temperamental grasp of the child, it has no constructive value and will likely elicit a tantrum.  If you say "yes, you can do that in ten years" to a toddler, nothing is gained.     

Saying yes with a time delay begins the process of teaching and practicing impulse control.  With temperamental children, use a timer to make the time delay more tangible.  Start with a short delay and expand it as they practice and improve. Tell your temperamental child that you are helping him practice waiting patiently.  

Celebrate successes and failures. Why celebrate failures?  Because your child is trying.  A failure just means more practice is required. Everything in life is a practice to mastery activity.  If your child was trying to catch a ball, but missed, you would likely say something like:  "ooooh, nice try, Buddy.  Keep practicing.  You'll get it."  It's the same with delayed gratification and tantrums.  

This does not reward the tantrum any more than being encouraging after a missed catch encourages missing.  It encourages the trying and practicing part: the life-time important part.     

We can also teach children the value of planning by saying yes.

• Child:  Mom, can I can over to Johnny's house?  

• Mom:  Yes, of course.  What's your plan for getting your homework done? 

• Child:  I'll do it after I get home. 

• Mom: Well, let's see, how much homework do you have?  Do you think you will be able to get it all done this evening? What if you did some of your homework before going, then you'll only have a small amount to get down later? 

• Child:  It'll be OK, Mom.  I'll get it all done. 

• Mom:  Ok.  Let try it. 

Most parents can predict how this will probably, but not definitely turn out.  The choice for parents is to allow the process to unfurl naturally with learning in mind or just say no.  In this case, the Mom chooses to allow the process and teach anticipatory planning and problem solving skills.  

By saying yes, we facilitate anticipatory planning and problem solving.  Saying no, teaches nothing of value.  Saying yes, also makes room for autonomous decision-making in a safe way.  And, it sets the tone for the problem solving conversation that will occur later, if the plan does not work out well.

It's OK if the plan does not work out well.  

This is part of the learning process.  Children learn from their mistakes if we build their world in a way that leaves room for safely making mistakes.  It's not growth producing for the child to have their parents, who already know many of the lessons of life, to manage them in a way that prevents mistakes through excessive control. Children learn by making mistakes.  Saying no, does not allow for this type of real life learning.

Please see the post on Failing Forward for more discussion on mistakes.

In summary, by saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, delayed gratification and impulse control, and anticipatory planning and problem solving. 

Saying no, teaches none of this.  

         

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

     

Listening to Non-Verbal Communication

Most children do not have highly developed communication skills or the introspective self-awareness required to know and express accurately how or why they feel as they do.

Often times children use non-verbal methods for expressing what they cannot quite find the words to say.  For example, a toddler may scream, cry, and / flop on the floor to express frustration; a child may cover her ears to block out sound; a teen might slam the door.

How do we understand what our children are trying to say?

In order to understand, parents need to:

• not take the communication personally,
• remain calm, 
• be empathic, and 
• be curious.

Don't take it personally and try to stay calm.  Work to remain objective so that you can observe with a clear mind.  This is at times extremely difficult, but it's necessary to being an objective observer. If you take it personally or feel that your child is being disrespectful, you will be attending to your needs, not your child's. Keep a cool head and clear thinking.  99.9% of the time it's not an emergency.  There is no need to fly off into an emotional state.   (p.s.: if it were an emergency, you would want to stay calm, cool, and clear-headed.)   

Be empathic, try to imagine how your child is feeling. Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation.    

Be curious -- wonder about and want to know what your child is trying to express.

In order to help children develop better verbal communication skills, parents need to translate non-verbal communication into words and reflect these back to the child for confirmation. 

For example, a toddler standing in the kitchen screams and gestures frantically toward the counter. The parent observing this non-verbal communication can say to the toddler, "you seem frustrated, is there something on the counter you want?"  The  toddler may nod in agreement or simply give the non-verbal signal to be picked up by raising both arms and grasping her hands toward the parent.  The parent can reflect back to the child, "you want to be picked up?"

Preferably the parent will pick the child up and continue the conversation.  

In this exchange the parent is listening to the non-verbal communication, translating it into words, and reflecting it back to the child to confirm that the translation is accurate. 

Confirming accuracy is a very important step. By doing this the parent is completing the communication loop, modeling good listening skills, and teaching the words that the child is expressing through behavior.

If you reflect your understanding back to the child and they disagree, you've got it wrong.  Keep trying to listen and figure it out.  

This form of listening can be engaged in at any time in a child's life.  There will never be a time when non-verbal communication is not present, often signaling some level of distress.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

 

Corporal Punishment (part 2)

A major 2002 meta-analysis of 88 studies found associations between lawful corporal punishment by parents and ten negative outcomes, and a major 2016 meta-analysis, which used 75 studies published over 50 years, involving a total of 160,927 children, confirmed the findings of the earlier meta-analysis and found evidence of associations with five more negative outcomes. 

The large and consistent body of evidence on the topic includes studies using sophisticated techniques which researchers have employed to address the arguments advanced by a few opponents of prohibition.

The body of evidence is now overwhelming – more than 250 studies show associations between corporal punishment and a wide range of negative outcomes, while no studies have found evidence of any benefits.

The met-analysis, which involved 88 studies, found associations between physical punishment and the following ten negative “behaviours and experiences”:

• poor moral internalisation (child is less likely to learn the intended lesson)
• poor quality of relationship between parent and child
• mental health problems in childhood
• aggression in childhood
• delinquent and antisocial behaviour in childhood
• child being a victim of “abuse”
• aggression and violence when adult
• criminal or anti-social behaviour when adult
• mental health problems when adult
• abusing child or spouse when adult

In 2016, Gershoff and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor published a second major meta-analysis, which used 75 studies published over 50 years, involving a total of 160,927 children.

It found associations between corporal punishment and 13 negative outcomes, confirming associations with all eight of the ten undesirable outcomes from the earlier meta-analysis which were covered and finding associations between corporal punishment and another five undesirable outcomes not included in the earlier meta-analysis:

• externalizing behaviour problems in childhood
• internalizing behaviour problems in childhood
• impaired cognitive activity in childhood
• low self-esteem in childhood
• holding positive attitudes about “spanking” as an adult

excerpted from:

Corporal Punishment by Parents and Associated Child Behaviors and Experiences

Corporal punishment of children: review of research on its impact and associations.Working paper, June 2016

Corporal Punishment (part 1)

For the purpose of distinguishing between Corporal Punishment (CP) and Physical Abuse, I will use the definition of corporal punishment as defined by Straus (1994a). 

“Corporal punishment is the use of physical force with the intention of causing a child to experience pain but not injury for the purposes of correction or control of the child’s behavior”

I consider anything beyond this limited definition of CP to be physical abuse. 

Physical abuse as defined by the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information (2000), is: "Physical abuse is characterized by the infliction of physical injury as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, burning, shaking or otherwise harming a child. The parent or caretaker may not have intended to hurt the child, rather the injury may have resulted from over-discipline or physical punishment. (What Are the Main Types of Maltreatment? section, para. 2)" 

Just to be clear, I'm personally and professional opposed to the use of corporal punishment and physical abuse. This is my bias.  I make every effort to focus on helping parents develop constructive methods for addressing unwanted behaviors and for teaching children the adaptive behaviors, values, and character traits they will need to become successful adults. 

Parents have approximately 6,600 days between birth and age 18 to gradually guide their children toward adulthood. Unless someone is on fire or gushing blood - there is no emergency or critical behavior that needs to be 'fixed' right this moment with the use of physical force.  Take a step-back, take a breath, relax, and make a coherent and constructive plan.      

Neither corporal punishment nor physical abuse is effective in correcting children's behavior. 

Punishments, even severe punishments, only serve to suppress an unwanted behavior within a specific situational context, but not elsewhere in the child's life.  Suppressing an unwanted behavior does nothing to address underlying drivers or to teach new, adaptive behaviors.  Suppression is temporary.  The behavior will be back.  Many parents find this to be very frustrating, contributing to an ever increasing level of punishment severity. 

Corporal Punishment should never be utilized to address children's behavior, except only under the direct supervision and guidance of a team of highly qualified professionals to address a very specific set of severe and extreme behaviors. 

If your family is struggling with this level of severity, please do consult with a team of highly trained and highly qualified medical and behavioral experts.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

The Protective Ethic

Years ago, I had a conversation with a man about corporal punishment. He was in favor of it.  Then I asked him what he thought of older kids beating up on little kids.  He was opposed to it, stating that when he was young the rule was that little kids could not be hit or harmed and the older kids looked out for them, protected them from bullies.

Then he got it. 

Growing up, it seems, many of us held an ethic that required older kids to protect younger kids from being harmed.  Neither we, nor anyone else was allowed to hit the little kids.

What happens that causes parents to lose touch with this ethic?  

How do people become transformed from holding a protector of little kids ethic to being parents who think it's their right and responsibility to harm little kids?

The vast majority of all forms of child abuse happens inside the family. In certain US states (a wee bit under half), corporal punishment in public schools is still legal. 

More on this topic coming soon. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Failing Forward: Into Safe, Loving Arms

I watched as the toddler tumbled down a full flight of stairs.  I held my breath a bit while his Dad went down to retrieve him, we all did.

Will he be OK?

Kids make mistakes – a lot of them. Parents make a lot of mistakes too. 

The goal of parenting is to embrace and celebrate errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures; turning them into resilience, achievement, optimism, and success. If your child falls while learning to walk:  exude confidence, cheer!, pick them up, dust them off, and set them back on their feet again. 

If they are hurt, take a moment to empathize and reassure.  If they are injured, apply compassionate care and seek medical attention as needed.  No matter what the mistake is, always "set them back on their feet".  Continue to do this for the rest of your life.

There are, however, some critical errors that do need to be prevented.  For example, it's not beneficial to children to experience traumatic brain injuries, get hit by a car, or experience death; drowning is not life enhancing.  While we each will weigh out the risks and benefits based on personal perspective, I'm certain we can all agree that some things need to be prevented to the best of our ability.

Risk-Benefit Analysis

What to worry about, what not to worry about? How do you decide? There is a straight-forward risk-benefit analysis that can be applied to parental decisions and children's activities. We each must weigh out these choices on our own, but it's sensible to have accurate information about risk and benefit to start with. 

If the risk is high and the benefit low, skip the activity. If the risk is low and the benefit is high, go for it.

Legality, ethics, morals, all fall into the risk category.  If an activity is illegal, unethical, or immoral this pushes the risk assessment up.

Mitigating Risk

We all want our children to reap the maximum benefit of being engaged in a range of healthy activities as they grow up, while minimizing the potential risks.

Examples:

• Bike riding is beneficial, but there is some risk involved. Wearing a helmet maintains all the benefit while reducing the risk.
• Snowboarding and skiing are both beneficial outdoor activities, but they do come with some risks. We can mitigate the risk by having our children wear helmets, take lessons to increase competency, and by keeping them off terrain they are not skilled enough to tackle.
• Soccer is a team sport with risks and benefits. We can support participation in soccer safely and advise against heading the ball.

Your child's brain is critical for thinking: learning, problem-solving, and decision-making; not for hitting things with. The risk of head injury while engaged in any of the above activities is real. Head injury can lead to contusions, fractures, eye injuries, concussions, permanent brain damage, or even, in rare cases, death.*

Keep in mind that your child's brain governs everything in her life -- all current and future potential, opportunity, and success.

There is no benefit happening on the soccer field or other sports activities that is worth risking your child's brain health.

Basic Facts

• It is impossible for a child to live without making and experiencing errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.
• It is impossible for a child to grow in the absence of errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.
• Errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures are critical and necessary to healthy development.
• It is impossible to be a parent without making and experiencing errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.

Given the above, I  recommend judicious, careful, thoughtful, and pro-active parenting; intentional parenting that is neither overly protective nor overly restrictive or critical of errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.

Harsh, restrictive parenting is a high risk-low benefit activity.

Proactive Parenting

The risk of critical errors can be reduced by providing proactive, anticipatory guidance early and often.  Proactive, anticipatory guidance is knowing about the challenges ahead and preparing children to have good knowledge and the necessary skills ahead of time, before they will encounter any given challenge. Knowledge and skills take time to develop.  Proactive parenting initiates the teaching and skill development process well in advance of when the need will arrive.

Teaching begins at birth, in developmentally appropriate ways.  Many parents are not comfortable or knowledgeable in discussing some things with children and often end up trying to increase control over adolescent behavior far too late, often after the fact.

I watched a toddler tumble down a full flight of stairs recently.  The dad had declined the advice of the elders in the room to move the toddler away from the stairs.  Down he went.  Dad hurried down to retrieve his crying son.  I think we all held our breath for a bit, waiting hopefully to see that he was alright.  The big bruise on the boy's head was readily apparent as they returned to the top of the stairs. His first head injury?  An event for the baby book?

Important note: Don't make up a risk assessment based on some sort of intuitive sense of how dangerous something is.  People chronically misjudge real risk. Do the research.  The Dad above who allowed his teetering toddler to wobble precariously near the top of the un-gated stairs was exercising poor judgement. All the elders knew this and tried to offer guidance.  The likelihood that a toddler will tip and the injury risk of falling down the stairs is real  (Child Injured on Stairs Every 6 Minutes), but there is very little if any benefit to allowing the precarious teetering. The child learns nothing of value in this scenario.  I can only hope the father did.  The risk of injury falling down the stairs is high, the benefit is very low or non-existent.

Trust & Faith (Although important, I moved this to a separate post. Click link to see discussion on trust and faith elsewhere.)

Given the absolute inevitability of errors, mistakes, and failures … the only reasonable parenting option is to embrace and celebrate them as learning and growth producing opportunities.

• Life is a practice-to-mastery activity.  Only through practice do we get better.
• Punishment may suppress unwanted behaviors, at best, and only temporarily.  It never teaches what to do.
• Studying and celebrating mistakes compels learning and success. What went wrong?  What might work better?
• Parents grow as parents by learning from their mistakes.  What went wrong?  What will work better next time?
• Children can grow by learning from their mistakes. What went wrong?  What might work better?
• Learning from mistakes requires self-reflective analysis: what happened, what went wrong? What might work better next time?

When children fail, they should fall into the safe, loving arms of parents who will dust them off, help them get back up again, provide some guidance, and send them back out into the world ready to go again, and again, and again.

Try it out and see how it works. If it doesn't work well, analyze the outcome.  What went wrong?  What might work better next time?  Do I need to practice this more or try something new?

Celebrate both successes and failures, trials and tribulations, wins and losses. Celebrate life.

Printable Version (includes Trust & Faith)

Additional Resources: 

Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success, by John C. Maxwell

* Head injuries. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11347686      

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Developing Character Strength (part 1)

Character strength is required in order to overcome the obstacles, challenges, and hardships of life.
 
No life goes unchallenged, is free from hurdles and hardship.  As parents, it is our purpose to endow our children with the skills, characteristics, and values they will need, not just to survive periods of intense difficulty, but to be ready and able to rise to the occasion.
 
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Many parents understand this.  However, some parents believe they must subject their children to hardship and drive them relentlessly as preparation. 

I disagree with this perspective on parenting.

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of the children and families I've worked with over the years. 

A safe, secure attachment and a safe and loving home is the strongest foundation for success in life.

Parents do not prepare children for hardship by being harsh or cruel to them.  Parents prepare children for hardships by providing a safe, loving environment at home; by gently and intentionally instilling the necessary values and nurturing the character strengths that will be required to face the challenges of the outside world.

It's the challenges of life that provide children with the opportunities to hone character, values, and skills; not the hardships imposed at home.  

At the end of each day, we come home to a safe, loving environment in order to recover speedily from the challenges faced in the world and prepare to go back out again. 

Love nurtures successful children.  Cruelty only weakens and depletes.

 Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

A Brief Note on Parent Advocacy

Square Peg, Meet Round Hole

Parent Advocacy

Often times it may seem as if the systems and institutions our children are required to navigate are set in place to conspire against them.


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Children will face many challenges as they grow and develop.   

There are times during which we will be required to advocate for system change on behalf of our children. The system may or may not respond in a constructive manner. Some elements may; others may not.

Regardless of how the system responds, these situations also provide us with a golden opportunity to coach our children on the character strengths, values, and skills needed to successfully navigate difficult situations and systems in life.

Very few systems are perfect, if any.  The vast majority of work places are mediocre, at best.   As reported in a Harvard Business Review article, a study by Life Meets Work found that 56% of American workers claim their boss is mildly or highly toxic. A study by the American Psychological Association found that 75% of Americans say their “boss is the most stressful part of their workday.”

This is what we are preparing our children for. 

I'm not advocating for non-advocacy.  Please do advocate for your children, on their behalf.  What I am suggesting is that advocacy, while important, is only one side of the coin.  The other side is skill development, value system development, and character strength development.  These are the assets children will need in order to be ready to enter the workforce.  

As parents, our job is neither to force our children to conform to the system nor to force the system to perfectly fit our children.  

While we can work to mold the system into something more comfortable and effective, our primary job is to help our children develop the character strengths, values, and skills they will need to navigate obstacles and overcome difficulty successfully throughout life.  

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

The Tragedy of 'No' (Draft)

Draft

The “No” Word 

As many parents have pointed out, the word "no" can create an avalanche of horribly cascading dysregulation, and not just among toddlers.  A toddler's tantrum can be taxing, although sometimes cute, but a toddler's tantrum is never as difficult or as dangerous as the tantrum 'tweens and teens can throw. 

A 'tween's tantrum can become a property destroying rampage; and anything a tween can do, a teen can double-down on.    

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of children and families that I've worked with over the years.   

Mom of an 11 year old: My son can go from zero to tantrum in the blink of an eye.  

me: What's the trigger?   

Mom: When he hears the word "no".  

me: What's the tantrum look like?  

Mom: Oh, it's hell on wheels.  He swears, tips over furniture, breaks things, threatens me, slams doors, punches holes in his bed room walls."

me: What did you say "no" to?

Mom: He wanted more juice .... 

Special note:  No, a "whooping" won't help.  I'll explain another time.

There are three basic rules for the "no" word.

~ Rule #1) If you say it, you have to mean it and make it stick.

~ Rule #2) Don't say it if you don't mean it.

~ Rule #3) If you say it but don't really mean it, ignore rule #1. 

Wait, what? Why ditch rule #1?  Doesn't my kid just have to learn to accept a simple "no"?  Yes, she does.  How many years have you been trying?  How's it going so far? 

If you are happy with the way things are and want to persist along your current path, carry on.  

If you want to try something different, read on.

The reasons we ditch #1.

First, if we said "no" when we did not mean it, saying it was our mistake, not the child's.  We can own the mistake, take responsibility, and work to fix the problem.   

Second, it's just pragmatic. The tantrum is not worth living through.  There is no truly important issue on the table worth tipping the entire family and household over.    

Most importantly, teens, tweens, and younger children who still tantrum tend to be (no, not brats) ... cognitively inflexible. It's a neurological thing.   

Their brains gets stuck.   They need to learn new skills.  

They can have tremendous difficulty shifting mental sets: transitioning from one activity to another; transitioning from a preferred to non-preferred activity; adapting to changing plans, circumstances; etc.  

Stress can make people even more inflexible and life, if nothing else, is highly stressful to kids who are cognitively inflexible.    

Adult inflexibility is not a helpful response in the moment.  It does not role model flexibility. In other words, adult stubbornness teaches and reinforces child stubbornness.  Adult inflexibility supports and encourages child inflexibility.

The adults are responsible for leading by example; to model flexibility. 

Try to meet inflexibility with flexibility, a maladaptive response with an adaptive response.  Role model the adaptive opposite. The opposite of inflexibility is flexibility.

So, what happened to rule #1 above? 

Reserve the word "no" for situations that matter.  

If your 8 year old wants to camp-out in the living room, say yes.  If he asks if he can build a fire pit in the middle of the floor, "no" makes perfect sense.  Or, if your 12 year old asks if she can drive the car down to the store, "no" makes sense. 

These are logical, hard "no" situations.  Safety is at stake.  You say "no" and make it stick.  It's hard to argue with and it really matters.  

There is always room for some skilled finesse in how you say "no", but "no" is the only possible answer in these situations.

You might say, "camping out in the living room is so much fun, but, hmmm, having a fire in the living room might turn out badly.  How about if we make the fire in the back yard?"

This is saying "no", then suggesting (redirecting the child's brain to) a better idea. 

You can say "no" firmly, but empathically.  

Example, "sorry, Buddy, absolutely no to the fire in the living room.  It's not safe.  Our house will burn down." 

Logical "no"s make sense. Kids can understand them even if they do not like them.  

On the other hand,

• Casual "no"s
• Kneejerk "no"s
• Habitual "no"s
• Convenience "no"s

... all tend to be fairly arbitrary.  They don't make sense and can be infuriating. Kids know they don't make sense.  Parents know they don't make sense. It's a no-win situation.  

Tween arriving home from school: "Mom, can I have juice?"

Mom: "no, it's too close to dinner."

Bam!  The tantrum hits in a great explosion.  Swears fly, the book bad soars across the room, smashing the lamp; tween stomps off, slamming doors and crashing around.    

Immediately, Mom knows her  mistake.  This is just not worth fighting about.  What to do, what to do?     

Arbitrary rules and enforcement can be infuriating, not just to children.  Adults get frustrated with arbitrary rules and enforcement.            

There are options. 

Think for a moment about what you really mean before speaking.  Instead of "no, not today", try "yes, we can do that tomorrow (or this weekend, etc)."

Think about how you frame your response.  If you are not sure, be honest.  For example, "hmmmm, I'm not sure.  Let me think about it for a few minutes."  Doing this models thinking things through. Ask a few clarifying questions: how much, how long, what's your plan?  

If you say "no" then try to make it stick but eventually give in to the tantrum, you have sabotaged your authority.  If you say "no" to a situation that does not matter, you come across as thoughtlessly arbitrary ... and sabotaged your authority.   

It’s better if you only say “no” when you really mean “no”. 

If you do say 'no" when you do not mean it, do be open to changing you mind, if possible, when your child uses positive verbal reasoning skills to explain her perspective.

Allowing yourself to being “persuaded” by your child when he uses positive verbal reasoning skills is a good way to help him develop a sense that verbal reasoning skills are valuable and can be used effectively.

Using verbal reasoning skills is the positive opposite adaptive behavior to tantrums and misbehavior.  This is what we want to help our children practice more of.  More verbal reasoning, fewer, less severe tantrums. 

Verbal reasoning is a primary life skill.