Payment for Chores? No.

Never pay children for helping out at home.

Being a cooperative and productive member of the family, making a contribution to the whole, is an expected part of life.

Raising children according to a constructive value system is foundational to preparing children for a good, happy, healthy, successful life.

Values:

• Clean up after your self
• Pitch in
• Be cooperative
• Be helpful
• Be respectful of self, others, property.

All of these values are part of helping out at home.

If kids want more money, they can help themselves and the family by earning it outside the family.

Paying children to help out at home does not teach a valuable life lesson. Children come pre-wired to be good workers and you will teach them budgeting and purchasing skills as they are growing up.  The vast majority of young children want to help out at home; they want to load the dishwasher and washing machine, move laundry from washer to dryer, run the vacuum cleaner, etc. If they don't naturally want to help out, for whatever reason, it's your job to teach them gradually and progressively across time these important values. 

Too many parents shoo children away from helping while they are young.  This is counter-productive. Accept their help gladly and make it fun, even if it takes longer.  Think about it?  Is your priority to get the laundry done or to teach your children all of the skills and values they will need to have a good life? 

If you shoo your children away from helping when they are young, do not expect them to help willingly when they are teens.    

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

 

Behavioral Process: Step by Step

Rule #1 Believe that “children do well if they can.”  If they aren’t doing well, wonder why that is - what is interfering. 

Establish realistic expectations that the child is, in reality, capable of achieving.  Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, increased behavioral difficulties, and to foster a sense of ineffectiveness, helplessness, and worthlessness.

Implementation Dip. 

• When you begin a new intervention .. expect things to get worse first.  
• It all works best if the process is entered into collaboratively -- with parent and child / teacher and child in agreement. 
• Let child know what is changing before beginning
• If you change your approach / style and they don't know why, it can make kids anxious and defensive. 

Visualize Success. 

• What will success look like?  
• What are you trying to accomplish?
• What is your purpose?
• What are your short, mid-range, and long-term objectives?
• Flip negative behaviors into their positive opposites.

Move Toward Success Slowly, Progressively, Patiently, Persistently.

• Practice patience.
• Be persistent in your effort to achieve success. 
• Gradually, thoughtfully shape behavior through successive approximations.  
• Expect set-back, ups and down; regressions happen. Behavior is not linear.  When the going gets tough, people regress.  
• Be practical -- close enough really does count. It never needs to be perfect.  We are working a practice to mastery activity.     

Analyze the Task / Situational Demands.

• What are the required steps
• Environmental factors
• Time of day factors
• Competing  factors
• Where is the breakdown?

Evaluate Skill Level.  

• What skills are fully developed
• What skills are partially developed
• What skills are not developed

Assess Developmental Stage: challenges should be matched to developmental capacities.

• Cognitive
• Emotional
• Biological
• Chronological.  Age is the least relevant in terms of developmental capacities, especially in school.  Each child follows a unique developmental trajectory moving at it's own pace.  Age does not tell us anything about ability.    

Develop Behavioral Plan Collaboratively (parents and children)

• Identify problem
• Generate potential solutions
• Choose the best solution
• Implement plan collaboratively (parents and children).
• Launch plan
• Monitor progress
• Evaluate Outcome

Reward & Celebrate Successes. 

• Partial success
• Proportional success (e.g.: minutes success v. minutes of failure, etc.)
• Tangible rewards
• Intangible rewards

Analyze & Celebrate Failure. 

→ Return to step 1, as needed.

Critical Components

• Be Optimistic
• Be Supportive and encouraging.
• Do not criticize.  
• Emphasize mastery: Practice to improve / practice to mastery / practice never makes perfect

Anger:

• Anger is normal / natural / helpful.  Anger tells us when something is wrong, when there is a problem we need to attend to.  
• Anger can inspire action. 
• Anger can lead to determined effort.
• Everyone gets angry
• Too much anger is bad - build an anger management plan

Anger management activities must be implemented prior to reaching the threshold of anger.  As anger increases people become increasingly irrational.  To intervene with anger plan, the intervention must happen before the brain dissolves into an irrational mass of goo. 

• Adult initiated 
• Child initiated

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com

A Guide to Behavioral Intervention

A Guide to Behavioral Intervention

Assess intellectual, instructional, learning, and situational factors and how they affect / contribute to the behavior problem. Develop and utilize a decision-making tree.

• Identify specific problem behaviors and their source / function.
• Conceptualize positive alternative behaviors.
• Progressively teach, coach, and support the student in developing and utilizing the positive alternatives: healthy, value-system-based behavioral and coping strategies in support of school / community / family success.
• Encourage the practice and progressive growth of positive alternative behaviors with coaching and positive, proactive behavioral planning.
• Scaffold: provide more support, encouragement, and behavioral skill instruction until the child begins to show some sense of competence, then wean and monitor.  
• Alter academic / instructional components as needed in accordance with assessment data and educational best practices.
• Establish realistic expectations that the child is capable of achieving. Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, inspire behavioral problems, and foster a sense of ineffectiveness and helplessness.
• Provide a reasonable and constructive disciplinary structure that will work in support of the positive behavior plan to contain and reduce the frequency and / or intensity of the problem behavior over time while simultaneously facilitating positive behavioral growth and academic progress. 
• Collaboration between the child, family, and school personnel is essential. Fractured teams may contribute to costly, counter-productive and / or harmful outcomes.
• Ongoing assessment and outcome evaluation is an essential component.
• Ongoing assessment enhances understanding and accurate conceptualization of the problem.
• If, after a reasonable trial period, whatever is being tried is not producing positive results then reassessment; a different plan or approach may be needed.
• Reasonable trial periods and outcome assessments guide the process.
• There are no guarantees in behavioral work.

Research indicates that gentle, patient, and positive interventions lead to better long-term outcomes.  Avoid critical, punitive, and harsh disciplinary measures as much as possible.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com

Coercive Transaction Cycle

Coercive Transactions

Imagine an argument you've had with either a child or significant other, one that spins out of control and get's pretty heated.  Keep this in mind while you are reading the interaction described below.  The interaction might be triggered by your child not doing something, not taking the trash out, or moving too slowly, like while getting ready for school.  The interaction can also be triggered by your child doing something undesirable. Do you recognize the pattern?  

“Coercion refers to a sequence of interactions between the child and parent. The sequence includes actions and reactions that increase the frequency and amplitude of angry, hostile, and aggressive behaviors. The sequence may begin with an argument over some action that has or has not been performed. It intensifies through verbal statements (e.g.: yelling, swearing) to more intensive actions (e.g., hitting, shoving). Ultimately, one person gives in or backs away from the interaction. In other words, the high-intensity interaction of one person ends the aversive behavior of the other person." (Kazdin) 

Basically, Person A (the child in this case) in the interaction responds to a parental action (comment, limit, etc) with mild hostility.  Person B (the parent) responds with mildly hostile behavior.  Person A increases the level of hostility as the interaction continues.  Person B increases hostility as the interaction continues.  Person A increases hostility high enough to cause Person B to discontinue their hostile behavior.  The discontinuation of Person B's hostility inadvertently rewards / reinforces the use of Person A's hostile behavior. 

This is a win-lose outcome.  In this case, Person A "wins" the interaction and will be more likely to utilize hostile behavior in the future.  Person B "loses" the interaction.  Losing fosters anger and resentment, which makes it more likely that hostility will be present at the very beginning of the next interaction. 

Note: it's not recommended that either person persist in using hostility instead of discontinuing the interaction.  It's also important to know the outcome can be reversed, in which case Person B "wins" the interaction and is inadvertently rewarded for using hostile behavior.  Who ever is the person in charge, is responsible for disengaging from the argument and calling for a short break to cool things down.  After cooling off period, the adult invites the child to enter into a conversation that will solve the problem in a mutually agreeable manner: win-win, instead of lose-win or win-lose.       

“In the context of oppositional and aggressive behavior among children … Several [adult] practices are known to foster child deviance, particularly child aggression. These practices include:

• attending to and reinforcing deviant child behavior,
• using commands excessively,
• using harsh punishment,
• failing to attend to appropriate child behavior,
• engaging in coercive adult-child interchanges,
• and failing to monitor children (e.g., their whereabouts).

This research has established that adult practices can directly foster and increase aggressive child behavior.” (Kazdin, 2005, p. 167)

Bibliography:

Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.

When Infants Cry

When infants cry they are trying to communicate something important to you.  

• Ignore them and you begin establishing a non-responsive parent-child relational pattern.  

• Respond with annoyance and you begin establishing an inconvenienced parent-child relational pattern.  

• Engage in responsive listening and problem-solving and you begin establishing a nurturing parent-child relational pattern. 

During the first three years of life, it is best if parents are available, responsive, and loving in meeting all of the child's needs. 

• Be responsive; warm and loving
• Be verbal; talk, read, and sing to your child
• Encourage safe explorations and play 
• Begin gently teaching and guiding 
• Recognize that each child is unique
• Take care of yourself

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

Say Yes, as Much as Possible

Say Yes!  

Right from birth, you will want to create the belief in your child's mind that life is filled with endless opportunities and possibilities, that the limitations are few.

This is accomplished by saying yes, a lot.

By saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, teach them delayed gratification and impulse control, anticipatory planning and problem solving skills. 

You don't have to start when they are brand new infants.  If you missed the opportunity when they were newborns, Begin, Wherever You Are.

Saying no to children diminishes both the child and the possibility of nurturing this belief. Saying no to children creates a belief in their mind that there are fewer opportunities and possibilities, that they can not do.

OK, I hear your concerns. This is not a recommendation for an unbridled free for all. The idea is to parent intentionally, with a healthy outcome in mind, not to create thoughtless tyrants.  We can say 'yes' and 'no' thoughtfully, judiciously, and intentionally. We can say yes and no within our financial means.  If you say no, you should really mean it.  Read here for more information on this topic. 

I will point out that there are cultures around the world in which parents are traditionally extraordinarily permissive with children from birth to age 5. These children tend to grow up to be very healthy, successful, well-educated, and productive members of society.  

Despite the popular American myth, saying yes thoughtfully, intentionally, and abundantly ... is not a pathway to prison.    

First, baby proof the house.  

When your child begins to move about, if the house is baby proof you will be able to say no way less often and allow for freer exploration.  In a baby proofed house, they are free to explore the many opportunities and possibilities this new life has to offer.  You provide the safety and opportunities and encourage the exploration.  If the house is not baby proof, you will end up feeling anxious, following closely, saying no often, and preventing injury; or not and risking serious injuries.  

No, having the toddler fall down the un-gated stairs does not "toughen them up", but it does risk serious, life-altering head injuries.  (The game of life is played entirely inside one's head. Protecting the brain from injury is critical to parenting success.)    

Parent-child relational habits begin to form at birth.  In the baby proof environment, the word no is spoken minimally, only when required, and is enforced in a firm, gentle, loving manner.  Avoid creating a relational habit of no.  

Being thoughtfully permissive with your child at an early age will not spoil them for life.

As your child grows, you will want to remain thoughtful of two thing: 1) delayed gratification, and 2) impulse control.

Delayed gratification and impulse control are very important abilities to nurture in young children.  Parents can do this be saying yes often, with an important caveat.

• Child: Mom, can I have another cookie? 

• Mom: Yes, of course. After dinner.

This is saying yes, with a time delay. 

• Child: Dad, I want this toy.  Can we buy it?  

• Dad:  Yes, of course.  Lets think it over for a while, see if there might be other things you want more.  If you still want it in 2 months we will get it. 

This is saying yes, with a time delay.

• 12 year old child: Dad, can I drive the car? 

• Dad: Yes, of course. Absolutely.  When you are 15 I will teach you.

Saying yes, with a time delay.

When children are younger, saying yes with a short time delay begins the process of learning the value of delayed gratification.  Yes, you can ... in a few minutes, this afternoon, after dinner, etc.  Saying no, does not teach delayed gratification.  As children age, the time delay can be gradually extended.  If the time delay is beyond the developmental and temperamental grasp of the child, it has no constructive value and will likely elicit a tantrum.  If you say "yes, you can do that in ten years" to a toddler, nothing is gained.     

Saying yes with a time delay begins the process of teaching and practicing impulse control.  With temperamental children, use a timer to make the time delay more tangible.  Start with a short delay and expand it as they practice and improve. Tell your temperamental child that you are helping him practice waiting patiently.  

Celebrate successes and failures. Why celebrate failures?  Because your child is trying.  A failure just means more practice is required. Everything in life is a practice to mastery activity.  If your child was trying to catch a ball, but missed, you would likely say something like:  "ooooh, nice try, Buddy.  Keep practicing.  You'll get it."  It's the same with delayed gratification and tantrums.  

This does not reward the tantrum any more than being encouraging after a missed catch encourages missing.  It encourages the trying and practicing part: the life-time important part.     

We can also teach children the value of planning by saying yes.

• Child:  Mom, can I can over to Johnny's house?  

• Mom:  Yes, of course.  What's your plan for getting your homework done? 

• Child:  I'll do it after I get home. 

• Mom: Well, let's see, how much homework do you have?  Do you think you will be able to get it all done this evening? What if you did some of your homework before going, then you'll only have a small amount to get down later? 

• Child:  It'll be OK, Mom.  I'll get it all done. 

• Mom:  Ok.  Let try it. 

Most parents can predict how this will probably, but not definitely turn out.  The choice for parents is to allow the process to unfurl naturally with learning in mind or just say no.  In this case, the Mom chooses to allow the process and teach anticipatory planning and problem solving skills.  

By saying yes, we facilitate anticipatory planning and problem solving.  Saying no, teaches nothing of value.  Saying yes, also makes room for autonomous decision-making in a safe way.  And, it sets the tone for the problem solving conversation that will occur later, if the plan does not work out well.

It's OK if the plan does not work out well.  

This is part of the learning process.  Children learn from their mistakes if we build their world in a way that leaves room for safely making mistakes.  It's not growth producing for the child to have their parents, who already know many of the lessons of life, to manage them in a way that prevents mistakes through excessive control. Children learn by making mistakes.  Saying no, does not allow for this type of real life learning.

Please see the post on Failing Forward for more discussion on mistakes.

In summary, by saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, delayed gratification and impulse control, and anticipatory planning and problem solving. 

Saying no, teaches none of this.  

         

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

     

Listening to Non-Verbal Communication

Most children do not have highly developed communication skills or the introspective self-awareness required to know and express accurately how or why they feel as they do.

Often times children use non-verbal methods for expressing what they cannot quite find the words to say.  For example, a toddler may scream, cry, and / flop on the floor to express frustration; a child may cover her ears to block out sound; a teen might slam the door.

How do we understand what our children are trying to say?

In order to understand, parents need to:

• not take the communication personally,
• remain calm, 
• be empathic, and 
• be curious.

Don't take it personally and try to stay calm.  Work to remain objective so that you can observe with a clear mind.  This is at times extremely difficult, but it's necessary to being an objective observer. If you take it personally or feel that your child is being disrespectful, you will be attending to your needs, not your child's. Keep a cool head and clear thinking.  99.9% of the time it's not an emergency.  There is no need to fly off into an emotional state.   (p.s.: if it were an emergency, you would want to stay calm, cool, and clear-headed.)   

Be empathic, try to imagine how your child is feeling. Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation.    

Be curious -- wonder about and want to know what your child is trying to express.

In order to help children develop better verbal communication skills, parents need to translate non-verbal communication into words and reflect these back to the child for confirmation. 

For example, a toddler standing in the kitchen screams and gestures frantically toward the counter. The parent observing this non-verbal communication can say to the toddler, "you seem frustrated, is there something on the counter you want?"  The  toddler may nod in agreement or simply give the non-verbal signal to be picked up by raising both arms and grasping her hands toward the parent.  The parent can reflect back to the child, "you want to be picked up?"

Preferably the parent will pick the child up and continue the conversation.  

In this exchange the parent is listening to the non-verbal communication, translating it into words, and reflecting it back to the child to confirm that the translation is accurate. 

Confirming accuracy is a very important step. By doing this the parent is completing the communication loop, modeling good listening skills, and teaching the words that the child is expressing through behavior.

If you reflect your understanding back to the child and they disagree, you've got it wrong.  Keep trying to listen and figure it out.  

This form of listening can be engaged in at any time in a child's life.  There will never be a time when non-verbal communication is not present, often signaling some level of distress.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com