Only through the full and unconditional love and acceptance of each of our children, exactly as they are at any given time, complete with their full array of human flaws, can we even begin to lovingly and gently guide and support them in developing the skills and abilities they will require to become the successful adults we all hope they will become.
The Very Best Response
The
very best response to the vast majority of children’s misbehavior is a simple,
quiet conversation moderated by reason, wisdom, and compassion; a conversation
that guides the child quietly and gently to a better, more helpful place in
life.
Raising children is a long, gradual process. It takes years and years of patient and persistent effort. Gentle guidance is the primary choice in parenting. Sometimes a planned system of positive and negative consequences makes sense. This is not a system of rewards and punishment, so to speak, but a well crafted system of inductive consequences; constructive and instructive consequences that gradually teach better behavior, better problem solving skills, better stress management skills, and better decision-making skills.
Arbitrary and / or harsh consequences should be avoided. They are far more likely to inflame the situation and create resentment within the child which will obscure any learning benefit. It is far more likely that arbitrary and / or harsh consequences will increase misbehavior, rather than decrease it, and decrease the frequency of positive behaviors.
Everything in life is practice to mastery. Everyone needs the opportunity to practice new skills gradually over time in order to master them. Everyone makes mistakes and needs the opportunity to practice making amends and to practice regrouping and moving forward again.
Instructive, constructive, and reparative consequences gradually influence thinking, feeling, and behaving in a productive direction.
Raising children is a long, gradual process. It takes years and years of patient and persistent effort. Gentle guidance is the primary choice in parenting. Sometimes a planned system of positive and negative consequences makes sense. This is not a system of rewards and punishment, so to speak, but a well crafted system of inductive consequences; constructive and instructive consequences that gradually teach better behavior, better problem solving skills, better stress management skills, and better decision-making skills.
Arbitrary and / or harsh consequences should be avoided. They are far more likely to inflame the situation and create resentment within the child which will obscure any learning benefit. It is far more likely that arbitrary and / or harsh consequences will increase misbehavior, rather than decrease it, and decrease the frequency of positive behaviors.
Everything in life is practice to mastery. Everyone needs the opportunity to practice new skills gradually over time in order to master them. Everyone makes mistakes and needs the opportunity to practice making amends and to practice regrouping and moving forward again.
Instructive, constructive, and reparative consequences gradually influence thinking, feeling, and behaving in a productive direction.
The Purpose of Behavioral Programming
Our dedication is to the whole child. Our interest extends to the child’s family, neighborhood, school, and community. Each child’s well-being is contingent on the well-being of the extended network surrounding and supporting their growth.
Our interest in the whole child includes their well-rounded and well-balanced development. We must attend to each area of need and support carefully weighted, balanced, and multi-dimensional growth: music, art, sports, friendship, family, hobbies and interests, academic achievement, ethical and spiritual well-being. No one area can be allowed to consume our attention at the expense of another area. We must remain flexible and responsive to the child’s needs. We must nurture each child’s strengths and carefully attend to their weaknesses.
Elements of Character, Development, and a Healthy Lifestyle:
Growth is a dynamic process; a process leading toward resilience, a process leading toward a healthy and productive adult participant in society.
Leadership initiates the process.
Leadership is the beacon toward which the children grow. Leadership is the example or model we provide. What does our model look like? How do we nurture a carefully weighted and balanced lifestyle in our own lives and in the lives of the children we serve?
How do we nurture resilience? How do we nurture a sense of community in which growth and resilience will flourish?
The purpose of programming is to create a sense of community that will nurture, protect, and celebrate the children.
“I was seeing in a sacred manner the shape of all things in the Spirit and the shape of all shapes as they must live together like one being and I saw the sacred hoop of my people was one of many hoops that made one circle wide as daylight and as starlight. And in the center grew one mighty flowering tree to shelter all the children of one mother and one father and I saw that it was Holy.”
~ Black Elk
© 2009 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Our interest in the whole child includes their well-rounded and well-balanced development. We must attend to each area of need and support carefully weighted, balanced, and multi-dimensional growth: music, art, sports, friendship, family, hobbies and interests, academic achievement, ethical and spiritual well-being. No one area can be allowed to consume our attention at the expense of another area. We must remain flexible and responsive to the child’s needs. We must nurture each child’s strengths and carefully attend to their weaknesses.
Elements of Character, Development, and a Healthy Lifestyle:
- Honesty
- Creative Well-being
- Cooperation / Teamwork
- Physical Well-being
- Work
- Emotional Well-being
- Loyalty
- Intellectual Well-being
- Enthusiasm
- Ethical Well-being
- Determination
- Spiritual Well-being
- Curiosity / Inquisitiveness
- Community Well-being
- Playfulness
- Filial Well-being
- Optimism
- Social Well-being
- Resourcefulness
- Caring & Compassion
Growth is a dynamic process; a process leading toward resilience, a process leading toward a healthy and productive adult participant in society.
Leadership initiates the process.
Leadership is the beacon toward which the children grow. Leadership is the example or model we provide. What does our model look like? How do we nurture a carefully weighted and balanced lifestyle in our own lives and in the lives of the children we serve?
How do we nurture resilience? How do we nurture a sense of community in which growth and resilience will flourish?
The purpose of programming is to create a sense of community that will nurture, protect, and celebrate the children.
“I was seeing in a sacred manner the shape of all things in the Spirit and the shape of all shapes as they must live together like one being and I saw the sacred hoop of my people was one of many hoops that made one circle wide as daylight and as starlight. And in the center grew one mighty flowering tree to shelter all the children of one mother and one father and I saw that it was Holy.”
~ Black Elk
© 2009 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Open & Honest Communication
If you as a parent create any sensation of fear, even the slightest amount, if you are angry, harsh, critical, or punitive, you are creating a sizable obstacle to effective communication with your children. All problem solving and all skill development requires safety and trust.
Children may forgive our transgressions, but they will not necessarily forget.
Now, with that said, I have never met a parent who did not lose their sense of calm at least every now and then. So, what do we as parents do when we make parenting mistakes?
The first step is always to take a step back, take some time to consider what went wrong and to regain a sense of calm. It may take a while to figure out what went wrong, but once we do regain our composure we will want to go back to our children and apologize for our loss of self-control, to take ownership and responsibility for the error, and to remove any sense of responsibility from the children.
Whatever they may or may not have done, it's not their fault or responsibility that we lost control.
The next step is to repair the relationship.
Different people tend to do different things after a fight or argument. Somethings will bring people back together, healing any hurt feelings. Somethings leave the relationship damage unresolved. Each infraction left unresolved diminishes the relationship more and more over time. As parents, it's best if we can heal hurt feelings and resolve relational problems as they occur. Our children will need us most during adolescence. It's best to have a strong and intact relationship going into this stage of life.
There are many ways for parents to keep their head in the right place. A proactive parenting plan will help you keep stay calm more often and safeguard a strong, trusting relationship with your children.
Printable PDF
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Trust & Faith
Parenting requires two key elements: trust and faith. It's very important that parents
trust their children and have faith in their innate goodness and capacity, while
continuously working to develop the required skills, ability, and character.
With constructive proactive parenting the likelihood is very high that your children
will turn out to be the good, capable, successful adults they were born to be.
Believe this. Believe in your child’s natural goodness and innate ability from birth on.
The probability of a good outcome declines as parents implement parenting plans and
methods that are based in fear, anxiety, anger, and mistrust. For example, if you
believe that children are inherently sneaky and dishonest, you are likely to parent
them in a way that increases their sneakiness and dishonesty. Similarly, overly
restrictive parenting designed to increase child obedience and safety often inspires
increased rebellion and risky behaviors.
Trust
I often hear parents say to a child who has made a mistake -- "you broke my trust".
This in my view is a deep parental mistake, more akin to shaming than guiding and
correcting. Under what circumstances does a parent think create illusory conditions
of trust based on the expectation that their child will never make a mistake?
Mistakes are expected, not surprises. Trust your children to make mistakes as they
grow up.
Children are born with natural goodness and abilities, not as perfect beings. Life is a rigorous and demanding practice-to-mastery activity. Mistakes are an expected part of life. When a child makes a mistake, it will be more reasonable and honest for a parent to say, "ah, that was expected. Let's see if we can figure out what went wrong." Mistakes are an expected part of growing up, not betrayals of trust. It's much more reasonable and accurate to trust that children will make mistakes, understanding that this is a very ordinary part of growing up.
Smile at the mistakes and reassure them.
Faith
Have faith in your children. Believe in them, that they are essentially good and
capable. Children make mistakes. They will need coaching and corrective guidance
on life skills, but this does not make them bad. "Bad" behaviors are much more
accurately seen as expected mistakes.
This is not an exercise in semantics.
How you feel about children in general will leak out all over your children. Many
parents (and teachers) that I've worked with over the years have expressed the belief
that children are essentially "bad", that they are liars and are always "up to no good",
trying to get away with some bad behavior. This is a belief, a basic assumption about
children and human beings. It's not a fact.
While it may apply to a very few, most children are not inherently "bad". If you believe that children are basically bad, this belief will be infused into every parent-child interaction: it will be in your eyes, in your tone of voice, in the conclusions you jump to, and in the way you talk with your child after events. Your child will gradually internalize your beliefs over time and have increasingly bad behavior as a result.
This parenting approach is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The parent believes it and interacts with their children accordingly who then internalize the belief and ... act it out in the real world.
My strongest possible recommendation is for you to question your beliefs about
children and work continuously to develop a belief in their inherent ability and
goodness. They do not misbehave intentionally as an expression of "being bad"
humans. Children are inherently "good'. Think of misbehavior events as “just a mistake”, not a catastrophic indicator that they will grow up to be felons or failures.
Note: there are a very few children who do certain things that are indicators of a much
larger problem. This is rare. I have worked with these children. They do need extra
help. It's unlikely that your child is this child. I'll do a post on red flags another time,
but just as an example, cruelty toward animals is an example of a child in significant
distress. If you are concerned, consult with your child's medical doctor first. If you
are still concerned speak with a clinical specialist.
Even if your child is in a high-risk category, your belief in their essential goodness
and ability to overcome can have a significant constructive impact on future outcomes
while in the opposite direction, your belief that they are inherently bad is more likely
to cement their destructive future fate.
Printable PDF File
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
The Great Adventure!
When my wife and I brought our first son home from the hospital, all packed into the warm winter snugly fleece in his little car seat, I carried him into our apartment and placed him, still in the car seat, in the center of the kitchen floor ... very much like a bag of groceries.
We stood there looking down at him. I looked at my wife. "Now what?"
Groceries, I know what to do with. You unpack them and put them away. An infant was a whole new and anxiety producing adventure for me. My wife -- a pediatrician in training -- seemed a wee bit more confident, but not as much as I would have liked.
Although I had been working with children as a mental health professional for over 5 years, I had no direct parenting experience at all, had never changed a diaper in my entire life. I began rummaging through his bag of things. Where is the owner's manual? How do you turn this thing on, off; change its settings?
I had no idea ... none.
I'm sure there must be parents who are completely skilled and confident about parenting from the very start; people who transition seamlessly into parenting. However, I'm not one and I've never met one. For my self and the parents I know and have worked with, parenting is a struggle.
We stood there looking down at him. I looked at my wife. "Now what?"
Groceries, I know what to do with. You unpack them and put them away. An infant was a whole new and anxiety producing adventure for me. My wife -- a pediatrician in training -- seemed a wee bit more confident, but not as much as I would have liked.
Although I had been working with children as a mental health professional for over 5 years, I had no direct parenting experience at all, had never changed a diaper in my entire life. I began rummaging through his bag of things. Where is the owner's manual? How do you turn this thing on, off; change its settings?
I had no idea ... none.
I'm sure there must be parents who are completely skilled and confident about parenting from the very start; people who transition seamlessly into parenting. However, I'm not one and I've never met one. For my self and the parents I know and have worked with, parenting is a struggle.
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Deciphering the Difficulties
Figuring out how and why you get stuck in a parenting ordeal can be a very difficult task. The answers are not always as obvious as one might think.
I have been meeting with a single Mother who has temporarily lost custody of her son. We had developed a pretty tight plan of action, things that Mom really needs to work on to begin the process of getting her life in order so she might be able to regain custody of her son.
Mom has accomplished none of these action items over the past few months.
I queried Mom about this, what she thought might be preventing her from following through on the action steps we had designed.
There could be many reasons, but I've had an inkling for some time that she's just exhausted, ashamed; that on some level she believes herself to be a bad parent. I have wondered if perhaps, she might not be relieved in some ways that she no longer has custody, that she is no longer responsible for parenting her son. Could it be that she secretly believes that her son is better off without her?
So I asked.
Figuring out what's going on, working and what's not working and why, is a very difficult path. It really does require that parents dig into themselves to try to understand what's going on, what's driving the process in the way that it is. It's extremely hard work.
More to come soon.
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
I have been meeting with a single Mother who has temporarily lost custody of her son. We had developed a pretty tight plan of action, things that Mom really needs to work on to begin the process of getting her life in order so she might be able to regain custody of her son.
Mom has accomplished none of these action items over the past few months.
I queried Mom about this, what she thought might be preventing her from following through on the action steps we had designed.
There could be many reasons, but I've had an inkling for some time that she's just exhausted, ashamed; that on some level she believes herself to be a bad parent. I have wondered if perhaps, she might not be relieved in some ways that she no longer has custody, that she is no longer responsible for parenting her son. Could it be that she secretly believes that her son is better off without her?
So I asked.
Figuring out what's going on, working and what's not working and why, is a very difficult path. It really does require that parents dig into themselves to try to understand what's going on, what's driving the process in the way that it is. It's extremely hard work.
More to come soon.
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
The Spirited Child
Most parents would say, I think, that they want their children to have some "get-up-and-go", a bit of "fire in their belly", some internal tenacity. These are admirable traits and characteristics that will serve children well as they learn how to refine, harness, and direct their energies as they move toward adulthood.
They will very likely clash with the world during this process.
It is better to guide these children gently forward rather than to try to break them of their natural tendencies.
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
From Parent to Child
Parenting from here on out, every minute of it, is fully about preparing -- incrementally -- the child to occupy a successful, healthy role in the adult world to the best of their abilities. With each passing moment children grow, change, move inexorably toward adulthood. Ready or not, adulthood will arrive.
Children are not well prepared by overly involved, overly controlling parents. Children are not well prepared by under involved, neglectful parents. Children are best prepared by collaborative parents who gently and gradually ween them off parental control and into self-management.
To be continued.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Parenting Ethics: Do No Harm, Do Good
In the medical community "nonmaleficence" is the ethical obligation not to inflict harm. In medical ethics, the physician's guiding maxim is “First, do no harm.”
The opposite is beneficence (do good); provide benefits to persons and contribute to their welfare. Refers to an action done for the benefit of others.
"Nonmaleficence means non-harming or inflicting the least harm possible to reach a beneficial outcome. Harm and its effects are considerations and part of the ethical decision-making process ..."
Clearly, parenting should come with the same sort of ethical guidance. A parents first obligation to their children is to inflict no harm; or at least to inflict the least amount of harm possible to reach the beneficial outcome.
1) Nonmaleficence - do no harm
2) Beneficence - do good
Evidence-Based Parenting
The research on parenting provides a reasonably clear set of guidelines on what is harmful and what is helpful.
Evidence-based parenting is the most effective approach.
Do the leg work. Do the research.
The opposite is beneficence (do good); provide benefits to persons and contribute to their welfare. Refers to an action done for the benefit of others.
"Nonmaleficence means non-harming or inflicting the least harm possible to reach a beneficial outcome. Harm and its effects are considerations and part of the ethical decision-making process ..."
Clearly, parenting should come with the same sort of ethical guidance. A parents first obligation to their children is to inflict no harm; or at least to inflict the least amount of harm possible to reach the beneficial outcome.
1) Nonmaleficence - do no harm
2) Beneficence - do good
Evidence-Based Parenting
The research on parenting provides a reasonably clear set of guidelines on what is harmful and what is helpful.
Evidence-based parenting is the most effective approach.
Do the leg work. Do the research.
Successive Approximations ... Toward Success
I know this feeling. It can be infuriating. The urge to scream can be powerful.
But First, Ask ... is this an emergency?
Take a step back. Evaluate. Is this an emergency? Is anyone gushing blood or on fire? If yes, it's an emergency -- stay calm, think clearly, take action. If no one is gushing blood or on fire, there is no emergency -- stay calm, think clearly, delay taking action. Emergency or not, stay calm - think with a clear head.
Own the Problem
First, always own the problem. If the family is not functioning as desired, responsibility falls to the leadership. The family leaders are responsible for creating the necessary systems and structures and for providing the support and training needed to facilitate the desired outcome. Consider for a moment, if your knee-jerk reaction is to blame the children ... you are committing a fundamental attribution error. Your children have always existed within your family culture.
- Take a step back. Clear your head.
- Consider the problem carefully, where is the breakdown?
- Consider potential solutions - what needs to be changed or re-organized?
- Convene a family meeting, include all stake holders.
- Explain the problem and your vision of the desired outcome.
- Invite members to problem solve - on how to get from the current situation to the desired outcome.
- Brainstorm, Try-storm, Generate a list of potential solutions.
- Evaluate potential solutions for goodness of fit.
- Pick the best. Agreeable to all.
- Agree to implement on a trial basis.
- After a short trial period, evaluate outcome.
- If the problem is solved, carry on.
- If the problem is not solved, return to step 1.
Understand this term. Successive approximation describes a process of gradually refining outcomes to come closer and closer to the envisioned standard. At first family members may not be skilled in accomplishing the tasks as required. For example, vacuuming may be disorganized, the dish washer may be loaded incorrectly, etc. All tasks and activities start out sloppy and improve with practice and training over time.
In the illustration above, step 4 represents the desired outcome. It's fairly tight, precise, on target. Step 1 represents the not very precise first approximation. With training and practice outcomes improve through the steps. The 4 steps illustrated above is more symbolic than actual. When it comes to raising children, the are many, many more steps in achieving success.
Set-backs and Regressions
It's important to expect set-backs and regressions. The process of improvement looks more like a stock market graph that a straight line. The are periods of growth followed by regressions and set-back as each family member navigates various struggles and challenges, and experiences of success. During easier times, expect performance improvement. During tough times, expect regression, performance decline. Teach and practice regrouping skills, the ability to bounce back from adversity.
Be Supportive
Encourage and re-assure. Practice leads to mastery. Failure is not a disaster, but an opportunity to be supportive, evaluate what went wrong, and to make improvements over time. Failures are opportunities to practice regrouping skills.
Crafting an Effective Family Culture
I think for most parents, myself included, figuring out how to be the best possible parent, figuring out how to help our children become the best possible version of themselves that they can be ... is central to our existence as parents.
In my mind, this purpose is an all-consuming obligation.
The whole purpose of this blog is directed toward fulfilling this purpose. In this essay I offer thoughts on developing a constructive family culture. I use the word constructive to describe a family that adds value to their children. Not all families do this. In fact, many diminish their children either subtly or in crushing torrents.
Family culture describes the rules, norms, values, customs, traditions, and leadership style of a family that guides and informs the way people behave on an individual basis and interact with each other.
This essay is not prescriptive, an instruction on how to make a specific family culture. It is a thinking tool designed to promote thought on this important topic.
Each interested family will need to create, craft, or construct its unique internal culture. All families have an internal culture, but not all families have a well thought out, intentionally constructed family culture. Some family cultures are functional and adaptive. Some family cultures are dysfunctional, maladaptive. Many family cultures are accidental. Most family cultures are not optimized around success and well-being.
Personally and professionally, I think the goal of family, the sole purpose, is to provide an environment in which each member is enlarged, enhanced, made better and stronger because of the family culture.
At least, this is the ideal that I'd like to see families moving toward. I do know that there are many families within which members are diminished and that stress and frustration and difficulty rob the family of its vital energy. Sometimes, life gets hard. But I think that the goal has to always to be to move back toward a family culture that is enriching. During times of heavy stress it is not unusual or unexpected for family members to regress. Being able to regroup quickly and effectively is an important life skill.
Words I use to describe what I view as an enriching family culture:
Create a plan to transform your family from the way it is to the way you want it to be.
In my mind, this purpose is an all-consuming obligation.
The whole purpose of this blog is directed toward fulfilling this purpose. In this essay I offer thoughts on developing a constructive family culture. I use the word constructive to describe a family that adds value to their children. Not all families do this. In fact, many diminish their children either subtly or in crushing torrents.
Family culture describes the rules, norms, values, customs, traditions, and leadership style of a family that guides and informs the way people behave on an individual basis and interact with each other.
This essay is not prescriptive, an instruction on how to make a specific family culture. It is a thinking tool designed to promote thought on this important topic.
Each interested family will need to create, craft, or construct its unique internal culture. All families have an internal culture, but not all families have a well thought out, intentionally constructed family culture. Some family cultures are functional and adaptive. Some family cultures are dysfunctional, maladaptive. Many family cultures are accidental. Most family cultures are not optimized around success and well-being.
Personally and professionally, I think the goal of family, the sole purpose, is to provide an environment in which each member is enlarged, enhanced, made better and stronger because of the family culture.
At least, this is the ideal that I'd like to see families moving toward. I do know that there are many families within which members are diminished and that stress and frustration and difficulty rob the family of its vital energy. Sometimes, life gets hard. But I think that the goal has to always to be to move back toward a family culture that is enriching. During times of heavy stress it is not unusual or unexpected for family members to regress. Being able to regroup quickly and effectively is an important life skill.
Words I use to describe what I view as an enriching family culture:
- Inclusive
- Collaborative
- Kind
- Generous
- Trusting
- Fair, and
- Supportive
Create a plan to transform your family from the way it is to the way you want it to be.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com
"Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll"
Why Do Kids Start Smoking; and other unhealthy, self-destructive behaviors? What can parents do? How to develop a constructive parenting plan that will reduce the risk?
Why does it matter? "Isn't risky behavior during adolescence normal?" "I did it and I'm fine, what's the big deal?"
Ingesting, inhaling, injecting drugs and alcohol can impact brain development during the adolescent years, a time of rapid brain growth. Even small differences in neurological development can cause lasting problems well into adulthood.
"Altered brain development due to exposure of neurotoxins during adolescence, particularly alcohol, could set the stage for cognitive problems into adulthood, conferring functional consequences throughout life."(3)
It is best if the brain is well protected from birth until age 25. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco (other*) all pose significant risks to healthy brain development.
Below is a list of risk factors for smoking cigarettes. They are similar to the reasons why kids start other unhealthy activities. There are some that are not preventable, like poverty. Kids grow up in the families they grow up in. Don't be re-assured by high and moderate socio-economic status (SES). While low SES is associated with smoking, high SES is associated with alcohol and marijuana* use.
"Young adults with the highest family background SES were most prone to alcohol and marijuana use."
Hold on, wait right there. The literature on marijuana use during adolescence indicates that it is not benign.
"The literature ... provide strong evidence that chronic cannabis abuse causes cognitive impairment and damages the brain, particularly white matter, where cannabinoid 1 receptors abound."
Ages 12 to 25 are the important years. Young people are most likely to start using destructive substances during these years.
" ... by 26 years of age, nearly all people who are going to use tobacco have already begun, so the focus of primary prevention with young people really spans the ages of 12 to 25 years."
A well-designed, proactive parenting plan will begin work on preparing children for adolescents beginning at birth, but if you start late, age 8 is good. A pro-active parenting plans lays out the pathway toward the desired outcome for each child.
To get a sense of what this plan might look like, flip each of the risk factors listed above into its positive opposite whenever possible.
*Traumatic brain injury
Kenneth H. Little, MA
Achieve Educational Success
603-726-1006
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Why does it matter? "Isn't risky behavior during adolescence normal?" "I did it and I'm fine, what's the big deal?"
Ingesting, inhaling, injecting drugs and alcohol can impact brain development during the adolescent years, a time of rapid brain growth. Even small differences in neurological development can cause lasting problems well into adulthood.
"Altered brain development due to exposure of neurotoxins during adolescence, particularly alcohol, could set the stage for cognitive problems into adulthood, conferring functional consequences throughout life."(3)
It is best if the brain is well protected from birth until age 25. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco (other*) all pose significant risks to healthy brain development.
Below is a list of risk factors for smoking cigarettes. They are similar to the reasons why kids start other unhealthy activities. There are some that are not preventable, like poverty. Kids grow up in the families they grow up in. Don't be re-assured by high and moderate socio-economic status (SES). While low SES is associated with smoking, high SES is associated with alcohol and marijuana* use.
"Young adults with the highest family background SES were most prone to alcohol and marijuana use."
Hold on, wait right there. The literature on marijuana use during adolescence indicates that it is not benign.
"The literature ... provide strong evidence that chronic cannabis abuse causes cognitive impairment and damages the brain, particularly white matter, where cannabinoid 1 receptors abound."
Ages 12 to 25 are the important years. Young people are most likely to start using destructive substances during these years.
" ... by 26 years of age, nearly all people who are going to use tobacco have already begun, so the focus of primary prevention with young people really spans the ages of 12 to 25 years."
- Relatively low SES,
- Relatively high accessibility and availability of tobacco products,
- Perceptions by adolescents that tobacco use is normative, that is, usual or acceptable behavior,
- Use of tobacco by significant others and approval of tobacco use among those persons,
- Lack of parental support,
- Low levels of academic achievement and school involvement,
- Lack of skills required to resist influences to use tobacco,
- Relatively low self-efficacy for refusal,
- Previous tobacco use and intention to use tobacco in the future,
- Relatively low self-image, and
- Belief that tobacco use is functional or serves a purpose.
A well-designed, proactive parenting plan will begin work on preparing children for adolescents beginning at birth, but if you start late, age 8 is good. A pro-active parenting plans lays out the pathway toward the desired outcome for each child.
To get a sense of what this plan might look like, flip each of the risk factors listed above into its positive opposite whenever possible.
- High or Low SES is hard to alter.
- Accessibility and availability? Reduce.
- Perceptions by adolescents? Teach facts: only about 8% of high school students smoke, etc.
- Parents, aunts, uncles, grand parents, etc., stop using and disapprove.
- Increase parental support.
- Support and facilitate academic achievement and school involvement.
- Increase peer-pressure resistance skills ("Go along to get along", compliance and conformity, is not a constructive lesson for children).
- Increase child's belief in their effectiveness in refusing.
- Address faulty ideas supporting intention to use.
- Enhance self-esteem, self-image, self-worth constructively.
- Nurture belief that substance use serves no constructive purpose.
Additional Reading
*Traumatic brain injury
Kenneth H. Little, MA
Achieve Educational Success
603-726-1006
© 2019 Kenneth H. Little. All rights reserved.
Education: Improving System Success
It's not the fault of the teachers.
It's not the fault of the parents.
It's not the students ...
You can always tell when a system is in trouble when blaming exceeds problem-solving.
Let's stop blaming and get on with the work of solving.
For many children, the public school system works just fine. For some, the curriculum speed moves to slowly; for others, it moves too quickly.
To solve this, how about if we match curriculum speed to each student's unique learning speed?
Students should be able to gain 90%+ mastery on every single learning unit from kindergarten on before seeing the next learning unit.
Children who move forward with less than 90% mastery have ever increasing learning gaps accumulating as they move through the grades. Can they get away with 80% mastery? Yes, but it's not a preferred outcome. Can students get away with 70% mastery? Every now and then, but if kids are chronic B-C-D students, while moving forward in the grades, they are developing ever expanding learning gaps making academic and emotional failure more and more likely.
We should shoot for at least 90% mastery on every single learning unit to ensure that all students - every single one -- understands each learning unit complete, that each has achieved mastery.
No, this does not mean holding fast learners back. Fast learners can be given the next learning unit as soon as they gain 90% mastery on the current unit. Fast learners can zoom ahead, as quickly and as far as they desire -- to infinity and beyond!
Does this harm slower learners? No, not at all. They will be able to achieve 90%+ mastery on every single learning unit, something that they never have the chance to achieve in the current educational paradigm.
We cluster children according to their chronological age. Chronological age is the least relevant criteria for clustering children into educational environments, while subject specific neurological readiness is the most important.
We know this, but still cluster children according to age and expect some to scurry along desperately trying to keep up, while simultaneously holding fast learners back; and then scratch our heads when children lose interest and under-perform.
Why we do this is a mind boggling mystery.
Curriculum speed needs to consider specific student factors, including family factors.
I do not blame teachers. I understand that teachers are trapped in the exact same system students are trapped in, and that teacher performance is also negatively impacted by the system within which they are trapped.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com
It's not the fault of the parents.
It's not the students ...
********************************************
You can always tell when a system is in trouble when blaming exceeds problem-solving.
Let's stop blaming and get on with the work of solving.
For many children, the public school system works just fine. For some, the curriculum speed moves to slowly; for others, it moves too quickly.
To solve this, how about if we match curriculum speed to each student's unique learning speed?
Students should be able to gain 90%+ mastery on every single learning unit from kindergarten on before seeing the next learning unit.
Children who move forward with less than 90% mastery have ever increasing learning gaps accumulating as they move through the grades. Can they get away with 80% mastery? Yes, but it's not a preferred outcome. Can students get away with 70% mastery? Every now and then, but if kids are chronic B-C-D students, while moving forward in the grades, they are developing ever expanding learning gaps making academic and emotional failure more and more likely.
We should shoot for at least 90% mastery on every single learning unit to ensure that all students - every single one -- understands each learning unit complete, that each has achieved mastery.
Does this harm slower learners? No, not at all. They will be able to achieve 90%+ mastery on every single learning unit, something that they never have the chance to achieve in the current educational paradigm.
We cluster children according to their chronological age. Chronological age is the least relevant criteria for clustering children into educational environments, while subject specific neurological readiness is the most important.
We know this, but still cluster children according to age and expect some to scurry along desperately trying to keep up, while simultaneously holding fast learners back; and then scratch our heads when children lose interest and under-perform.
Why we do this is a mind boggling mystery.
Curriculum speed needs to consider specific student factors, including family factors.
I do not blame teachers. I understand that teachers are trapped in the exact same system students are trapped in, and that teacher performance is also negatively impacted by the system within which they are trapped.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com
Corporal Punishment (part 3)
Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children
American Academy of Pediatrics
Abstract
Pediatricians are a source of advice for parents and guardians concerning the management of child behavior, including discipline strategies that are used to teach appropriate behavior and protect their children and others from the adverse effects of challenging behavior. Aversive disciplinary strategies, including all forms of corporal punishment and yelling at or shaming children, are minimally effective in the short-term and not effective in the long-term. With new evidence, researchers link corporal punishment to an increased risk of negative behavioral, cognitive, psychosocial, and emotional outcomes for children. In this Policy Statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics provides guidance for pediatricians and other child health care providers on educating parents about positive and effective parenting strategies of discipline for children at each stage of development as well as references to educational materials. This statement supports the need for adults to avoid physical punishment and verbal abuse of children.
https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/142/6/e20183112
Payment for Chores? No.
Never pay children for helping out at home.
Being a cooperative and productive member of the family, making a contribution to the whole, is an expected part of life.
Raising children according to a constructive value system is foundational to preparing children for a good, happy, healthy, successful life.
Values:
If kids want more money, they can help themselves and the family by earning it outside the family.
Paying children to help out at home does not teach a valuable life lesson. Children come pre-wired to be good workers and you will teach them budgeting and purchasing skills as they are growing up. The vast majority of young children want to help out at home; they want to load the dishwasher and washing machine, move laundry from washer to dryer, run the vacuum cleaner, etc. If they don't naturally want to help out, for whatever reason, it's your job to teach them gradually and progressively across time these important values.
Too many parents shoo children away from helping while they are young. This is counter-productive. Accept their help gladly and make it fun, even if it takes longer. Think about it? Is your priority to get the laundry done or to teach your children all of the skills and values they will need to have a good life?
If you shoo your children away from helping when they are young, do not expect them to help willingly when they are teens.
Being a cooperative and productive member of the family, making a contribution to the whole, is an expected part of life.
Raising children according to a constructive value system is foundational to preparing children for a good, happy, healthy, successful life.
Values:
- Clean up after your self
- Pitch in
- Be cooperative
- Be helpful
- Be respectful of self, others, property.
If kids want more money, they can help themselves and the family by earning it outside the family.
Paying children to help out at home does not teach a valuable life lesson. Children come pre-wired to be good workers and you will teach them budgeting and purchasing skills as they are growing up. The vast majority of young children want to help out at home; they want to load the dishwasher and washing machine, move laundry from washer to dryer, run the vacuum cleaner, etc. If they don't naturally want to help out, for whatever reason, it's your job to teach them gradually and progressively across time these important values.
Too many parents shoo children away from helping while they are young. This is counter-productive. Accept their help gladly and make it fun, even if it takes longer. Think about it? Is your priority to get the laundry done or to teach your children all of the skills and values they will need to have a good life?
If you shoo your children away from helping when they are young, do not expect them to help willingly when they are teens.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com
Behavioral Process: Step by Step
Rule #1 Believe that “children do well if they can.” If they aren’t doing well, wonder why that is - what is interfering.
Establish realistic expectations that the child is, in reality, capable of achieving. Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, increased behavioral difficulties, and to foster a sense of ineffectiveness, helplessness, and worthlessness.
Implementation Dip.
→ Return to step 1, as needed.
Critical Components
Establish realistic expectations that the child is, in reality, capable of achieving. Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, increased behavioral difficulties, and to foster a sense of ineffectiveness, helplessness, and worthlessness.
Implementation Dip.
- When you begin a new intervention .. expect things to get worse first.
- It all works best if the process is entered into collaboratively -- with parent and child / teacher and child in agreement.
- Let child know what is changing before beginning
- If you change your approach / style and they don't know why, it can make kids anxious and defensive.
- What will success look like?
- What are you trying to accomplish?
- What is your purpose?
- What are your short, mid-range, and long-term objectives?
- Flip negative behaviors into their positive opposites.
- Practice patience.
- Be persistent in your effort to achieve success.
- Gradually, thoughtfully shape behavior through successive approximations.
- Expect set-back, ups and down; regressions happen. Behavior is not linear. When the going gets tough, people regress.
- Be practical -- close enough really does count. It never needs to be perfect. We are working a practice to mastery activity.
- What are the required steps
- Environmental factors
- Time of day factors
- Competing factors
- Where is the breakdown?
- What skills are fully developed
- What skills are partially developed
- What skills are not developed
- Cognitive
- Emotional
- Biological
- Chronological. Age is the least relevant in terms of developmental capacities, especially in school. Each child follows a unique developmental trajectory moving at it's own pace. Age does not tell us anything about ability.
- Identify problem
- Generate potential solutions
- Choose the best solution
- Implement plan collaboratively (parents and children).
- Launch plan
- Monitor progress
- Evaluate Outcome
- Partial success
- Proportional success (e.g.: minutes success v. minutes of failure, etc.)
- Tangible rewards
- Intangible rewards
→ Return to step 1, as needed.
Critical Components
- Be Optimistic
- Be Supportive and encouraging.
- Do not criticize.
- Emphasize mastery: Practice to improve / practice to mastery / practice never makes perfect
- Anger is normal / natural / helpful. Anger tells us when something is wrong, when there is a problem we need to attend to.
- Anger can inspire action.
- Anger can lead to determined effort.
- Everyone gets angry
- Too much anger is bad - build an anger management plan
- Adult initiated
- Child initiated
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006 / KenLittle-NH.com
A Guide to Behavioral Intervention
A Guide to Behavioral Intervention
Assess intellectual, instructional, learning, and situational factors and how they affect / contribute to the behavior problem. Develop and utilize a decision-making tree.
- Identify specific problem behaviors and their source / function.
- Conceptualize positive alternative behaviors.
- Progressively teach, coach, and support the student in developing and utilizing the positive alternatives: healthy, value-system-based behavioral and coping strategies in support of school / community / family success.
- Encourage the practice and progressive growth of positive alternative behaviors with coaching and positive, proactive behavioral planning.
- Scaffold: provide more support, encouragement, and behavioral skill instruction until the child begins to show some sense of competence, then wean and monitor.
- Alter academic / instructional components as needed in accordance with assessment data and educational best practices.
- Establish realistic expectations that the child is capable of achieving. Expecting something more than what the child can actually achieve is highly likely to result in failure, inspire behavioral problems, and foster a sense of ineffectiveness and helplessness.
- Provide a reasonable and constructive disciplinary structure that will work in support of the positive behavior plan to contain and reduce the frequency and / or intensity of the problem behavior over time while simultaneously facilitating positive behavioral growth and academic progress.
- Collaboration between the child, family, and school personnel is essential. Fractured teams may contribute to costly, counter-productive and / or harmful outcomes.
- Ongoing assessment and outcome evaluation is an essential component.
- Ongoing assessment enhances understanding and accurate conceptualization of the problem.
- If, after a reasonable trial period, whatever is being tried is not producing positive results then reassessment; a different plan or approach may be needed.
- Reasonable trial periods and outcome assessments guide the process.
- There are no guarantees in behavioral work.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com / KenLittle-NH.com
Coercive Transaction Cycle
Coercive Transactions
Imagine an argument you've had with either a child or significant other, one that spins out of control and get's pretty heated. Keep this in mind while you are reading the interaction described below. The interaction might be triggered by your child not doing something, not taking the trash out, or moving too slowly, like while getting ready for school. The interaction can also be triggered by your child doing something undesirable. Do you recognize the pattern?
“Coercion refers to a sequence of interactions between the child and parent. The sequence includes actions and reactions that increase the frequency and amplitude of angry, hostile, and aggressive behaviors. The sequence may begin with an argument over some action that has or has not been performed. It intensifies through verbal statements (e.g.: yelling, swearing) to more intensive actions (e.g., hitting, shoving). Ultimately, one person gives in or backs away from the interaction. In other words, the high-intensity interaction of one person ends the aversive behavior of the other person." (Kazdin)
Basically, Person A (the child in this case) in the interaction responds to a parental action (comment, limit, etc) with mild hostility. Person B (the parent) responds with mildly hostile behavior. Person A increases the level of hostility as the interaction continues. Person B increases hostility as the interaction continues. Person A increases hostility high enough to cause Person B to discontinue their hostile behavior. The discontinuation of Person B's hostility inadvertently rewards / reinforces the use of Person A's hostile behavior.
This is a win-lose outcome. In this case, Person A "wins" the interaction and will be more likely to utilize hostile behavior in the future. Person B "loses" the interaction. Losing fosters anger and resentment, which makes it more likely that hostility will be present at the very beginning of the next interaction.
Note: it's not recommended that either person persist in using hostility instead of discontinuing the interaction. It's also important to know the outcome can be reversed, in which case Person B "wins" the interaction and is inadvertently rewarded for using hostile behavior. Who ever is the person in charge, is responsible for disengaging from the argument and calling for a short break to cool things down. After cooling off period, the adult invites the child to enter into a conversation that will solve the problem in a mutually agreeable manner: win-win, instead of lose-win or win-lose.
“In the context of oppositional and aggressive behavior among children … Several [adult] practices are known to foster child deviance, particularly child aggression. These practices include:
This research has established that adult practices can directly foster and increase aggressive child behavior.” (Kazdin, 2005, p. 167)
Bibliography:
Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.
Imagine an argument you've had with either a child or significant other, one that spins out of control and get's pretty heated. Keep this in mind while you are reading the interaction described below. The interaction might be triggered by your child not doing something, not taking the trash out, or moving too slowly, like while getting ready for school. The interaction can also be triggered by your child doing something undesirable. Do you recognize the pattern?
“Coercion refers to a sequence of interactions between the child and parent. The sequence includes actions and reactions that increase the frequency and amplitude of angry, hostile, and aggressive behaviors. The sequence may begin with an argument over some action that has or has not been performed. It intensifies through verbal statements (e.g.: yelling, swearing) to more intensive actions (e.g., hitting, shoving). Ultimately, one person gives in or backs away from the interaction. In other words, the high-intensity interaction of one person ends the aversive behavior of the other person." (Kazdin)
Basically, Person A (the child in this case) in the interaction responds to a parental action (comment, limit, etc) with mild hostility. Person B (the parent) responds with mildly hostile behavior. Person A increases the level of hostility as the interaction continues. Person B increases hostility as the interaction continues. Person A increases hostility high enough to cause Person B to discontinue their hostile behavior. The discontinuation of Person B's hostility inadvertently rewards / reinforces the use of Person A's hostile behavior.
Note: it's not recommended that either person persist in using hostility instead of discontinuing the interaction. It's also important to know the outcome can be reversed, in which case Person B "wins" the interaction and is inadvertently rewarded for using hostile behavior. Who ever is the person in charge, is responsible for disengaging from the argument and calling for a short break to cool things down. After cooling off period, the adult invites the child to enter into a conversation that will solve the problem in a mutually agreeable manner: win-win, instead of lose-win or win-lose.
“In the context of oppositional and aggressive behavior among children … Several [adult] practices are known to foster child deviance, particularly child aggression. These practices include:
- attending to and reinforcing deviant child behavior,
- using commands excessively,
- using harsh punishment,
- failing to attend to appropriate child behavior,
- engaging in coercive adult-child interchanges,
- and failing to monitor children (e.g., their whereabouts).
This research has established that adult practices can directly foster and increase aggressive child behavior.” (Kazdin, 2005, p. 167)
Bibliography:
Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.
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