When Infants Cry

When infants cry they are trying to communicate something important to you.  

• Ignore them and you begin establishing a non-responsive parent-child relational pattern.  

• Respond with annoyance and you begin establishing an inconvenienced parent-child relational pattern.  

• Engage in responsive listening and problem-solving and you begin establishing a nurturing parent-child relational pattern. 

During the first three years of life, it is best if parents are available, responsive, and loving in meeting all of the child's needs. 

• Be responsive; warm and loving
• Be verbal; talk, read, and sing to your child
• Encourage safe explorations and play 
• Begin gently teaching and guiding 
• Recognize that each child is unique
• Take care of yourself

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

Say Yes, as Much as Possible

Say Yes!  

Right from birth, you will want to create the belief in your child's mind that life is filled with endless opportunities and possibilities, that the limitations are few.

This is accomplished by saying yes, a lot.

By saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, teach them delayed gratification and impulse control, anticipatory planning and problem solving skills. 

You don't have to start when they are brand new infants.  If you missed the opportunity when they were newborns, Begin, Wherever You Are.

Saying no to children diminishes both the child and the possibility of nurturing this belief. Saying no to children creates a belief in their mind that there are fewer opportunities and possibilities, that they can not do.

OK, I hear your concerns. This is not a recommendation for an unbridled free for all. The idea is to parent intentionally, with a healthy outcome in mind, not to create thoughtless tyrants.  We can say 'yes' and 'no' thoughtfully, judiciously, and intentionally. We can say yes and no within our financial means.  If you say no, you should really mean it.  Read here for more information on this topic. 

I will point out that there are cultures around the world in which parents are traditionally extraordinarily permissive with children from birth to age 5. These children tend to grow up to be very healthy, successful, well-educated, and productive members of society.  

Despite the popular American myth, saying yes thoughtfully, intentionally, and abundantly ... is not a pathway to prison.    

First, baby proof the house.  

When your child begins to move about, if the house is baby proof you will be able to say no way less often and allow for freer exploration.  In a baby proofed house, they are free to explore the many opportunities and possibilities this new life has to offer.  You provide the safety and opportunities and encourage the exploration.  If the house is not baby proof, you will end up feeling anxious, following closely, saying no often, and preventing injury; or not and risking serious injuries.  

No, having the toddler fall down the un-gated stairs does not "toughen them up", but it does risk serious, life-altering head injuries.  (The game of life is played entirely inside one's head. Protecting the brain from injury is critical to parenting success.)    

Parent-child relational habits begin to form at birth.  In the baby proof environment, the word no is spoken minimally, only when required, and is enforced in a firm, gentle, loving manner.  Avoid creating a relational habit of no.  

Being thoughtfully permissive with your child at an early age will not spoil them for life.

As your child grows, you will want to remain thoughtful of two thing: 1) delayed gratification, and 2) impulse control.

Delayed gratification and impulse control are very important abilities to nurture in young children.  Parents can do this be saying yes often, with an important caveat.

• Child: Mom, can I have another cookie? 

• Mom: Yes, of course. After dinner.

This is saying yes, with a time delay. 

• Child: Dad, I want this toy.  Can we buy it?  

• Dad:  Yes, of course.  Lets think it over for a while, see if there might be other things you want more.  If you still want it in 2 months we will get it. 

This is saying yes, with a time delay.

• 12 year old child: Dad, can I drive the car? 

• Dad: Yes, of course. Absolutely.  When you are 15 I will teach you.

Saying yes, with a time delay.

When children are younger, saying yes with a short time delay begins the process of learning the value of delayed gratification.  Yes, you can ... in a few minutes, this afternoon, after dinner, etc.  Saying no, does not teach delayed gratification.  As children age, the time delay can be gradually extended.  If the time delay is beyond the developmental and temperamental grasp of the child, it has no constructive value and will likely elicit a tantrum.  If you say "yes, you can do that in ten years" to a toddler, nothing is gained.     

Saying yes with a time delay begins the process of teaching and practicing impulse control.  With temperamental children, use a timer to make the time delay more tangible.  Start with a short delay and expand it as they practice and improve. Tell your temperamental child that you are helping him practice waiting patiently.  

Celebrate successes and failures. Why celebrate failures?  Because your child is trying.  A failure just means more practice is required. Everything in life is a practice to mastery activity.  If your child was trying to catch a ball, but missed, you would likely say something like:  "ooooh, nice try, Buddy.  Keep practicing.  You'll get it."  It's the same with delayed gratification and tantrums.  

This does not reward the tantrum any more than being encouraging after a missed catch encourages missing.  It encourages the trying and practicing part: the life-time important part.     

We can also teach children the value of planning by saying yes.

• Child:  Mom, can I can over to Johnny's house?  

• Mom:  Yes, of course.  What's your plan for getting your homework done? 

• Child:  I'll do it after I get home. 

• Mom: Well, let's see, how much homework do you have?  Do you think you will be able to get it all done this evening? What if you did some of your homework before going, then you'll only have a small amount to get down later? 

• Child:  It'll be OK, Mom.  I'll get it all done. 

• Mom:  Ok.  Let try it. 

Most parents can predict how this will probably, but not definitely turn out.  The choice for parents is to allow the process to unfurl naturally with learning in mind or just say no.  In this case, the Mom chooses to allow the process and teach anticipatory planning and problem solving skills.  

By saying yes, we facilitate anticipatory planning and problem solving.  Saying no, teaches nothing of value.  Saying yes, also makes room for autonomous decision-making in a safe way.  And, it sets the tone for the problem solving conversation that will occur later, if the plan does not work out well.

It's OK if the plan does not work out well.  

This is part of the learning process.  Children learn from their mistakes if we build their world in a way that leaves room for safely making mistakes.  It's not growth producing for the child to have their parents, who already know many of the lessons of life, to manage them in a way that prevents mistakes through excessive control. Children learn by making mistakes.  Saying no, does not allow for this type of real life learning.

Please see the post on Failing Forward for more discussion on mistakes.

In summary, by saying yes, you can teach your children that life is filled with opportunities and possibilities, delayed gratification and impulse control, and anticipatory planning and problem solving. 

Saying no, teaches none of this.  

         

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

     

Listening to Non-Verbal Communication

Most children do not have highly developed communication skills or the introspective self-awareness required to know and express accurately how or why they feel as they do.

Often times children use non-verbal methods for expressing what they cannot quite find the words to say.  For example, a toddler may scream, cry, and / flop on the floor to express frustration; a child may cover her ears to block out sound; a teen might slam the door.

How do we understand what our children are trying to say?

In order to understand, parents need to:

• not take the communication personally,
• remain calm, 
• be empathic, and 
• be curious.

Don't take it personally and try to stay calm.  Work to remain objective so that you can observe with a clear mind.  This is at times extremely difficult, but it's necessary to being an objective observer. If you take it personally or feel that your child is being disrespectful, you will be attending to your needs, not your child's. Keep a cool head and clear thinking.  99.9% of the time it's not an emergency.  There is no need to fly off into an emotional state.   (p.s.: if it were an emergency, you would want to stay calm, cool, and clear-headed.)   

Be empathic, try to imagine how your child is feeling. Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation.    

Be curious -- wonder about and want to know what your child is trying to express.

In order to help children develop better verbal communication skills, parents need to translate non-verbal communication into words and reflect these back to the child for confirmation. 

For example, a toddler standing in the kitchen screams and gestures frantically toward the counter. The parent observing this non-verbal communication can say to the toddler, "you seem frustrated, is there something on the counter you want?"  The  toddler may nod in agreement or simply give the non-verbal signal to be picked up by raising both arms and grasping her hands toward the parent.  The parent can reflect back to the child, "you want to be picked up?"

Preferably the parent will pick the child up and continue the conversation.  

In this exchange the parent is listening to the non-verbal communication, translating it into words, and reflecting it back to the child to confirm that the translation is accurate. 

Confirming accuracy is a very important step. By doing this the parent is completing the communication loop, modeling good listening skills, and teaching the words that the child is expressing through behavior.

If you reflect your understanding back to the child and they disagree, you've got it wrong.  Keep trying to listen and figure it out.  

This form of listening can be engaged in at any time in a child's life.  There will never be a time when non-verbal communication is not present, often signaling some level of distress.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com 

 

Corporal Punishment (part 2)

A major 2002 meta-analysis of 88 studies found associations between lawful corporal punishment by parents and ten negative outcomes, and a major 2016 meta-analysis, which used 75 studies published over 50 years, involving a total of 160,927 children, confirmed the findings of the earlier meta-analysis and found evidence of associations with five more negative outcomes. 

The large and consistent body of evidence on the topic includes studies using sophisticated techniques which researchers have employed to address the arguments advanced by a few opponents of prohibition.

The body of evidence is now overwhelming – more than 250 studies show associations between corporal punishment and a wide range of negative outcomes, while no studies have found evidence of any benefits.

The met-analysis, which involved 88 studies, found associations between physical punishment and the following ten negative “behaviours and experiences”:

• poor moral internalisation (child is less likely to learn the intended lesson)
• poor quality of relationship between parent and child
• mental health problems in childhood
• aggression in childhood
• delinquent and antisocial behaviour in childhood
• child being a victim of “abuse”
• aggression and violence when adult
• criminal or anti-social behaviour when adult
• mental health problems when adult
• abusing child or spouse when adult

In 2016, Gershoff and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor published a second major meta-analysis, which used 75 studies published over 50 years, involving a total of 160,927 children.

It found associations between corporal punishment and 13 negative outcomes, confirming associations with all eight of the ten undesirable outcomes from the earlier meta-analysis which were covered and finding associations between corporal punishment and another five undesirable outcomes not included in the earlier meta-analysis:

• externalizing behaviour problems in childhood
• internalizing behaviour problems in childhood
• impaired cognitive activity in childhood
• low self-esteem in childhood
• holding positive attitudes about “spanking” as an adult

excerpted from:

Corporal Punishment by Parents and Associated Child Behaviors and Experiences

Corporal punishment of children: review of research on its impact and associations.Working paper, June 2016

Corporal Punishment (part 1)

For the purpose of distinguishing between Corporal Punishment (CP) and Physical Abuse, I will use the definition of corporal punishment as defined by Straus (1994a). 

“Corporal punishment is the use of physical force with the intention of causing a child to experience pain but not injury for the purposes of correction or control of the child’s behavior”

I consider anything beyond this limited definition of CP to be physical abuse. 

Physical abuse as defined by the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information (2000), is: "Physical abuse is characterized by the infliction of physical injury as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, burning, shaking or otherwise harming a child. The parent or caretaker may not have intended to hurt the child, rather the injury may have resulted from over-discipline or physical punishment. (What Are the Main Types of Maltreatment? section, para. 2)" 

Just to be clear, I'm personally and professional opposed to the use of corporal punishment and physical abuse. This is my bias.  I make every effort to focus on helping parents develop constructive methods for addressing unwanted behaviors and for teaching children the adaptive behaviors, values, and character traits they will need to become successful adults. 

Parents have approximately 6,600 days between birth and age 18 to gradually guide their children toward adulthood. Unless someone is on fire or gushing blood - there is no emergency or critical behavior that needs to be 'fixed' right this moment with the use of physical force.  Take a step-back, take a breath, relax, and make a coherent and constructive plan.      

Neither corporal punishment nor physical abuse is effective in correcting children's behavior. 

Punishments, even severe punishments, only serve to suppress an unwanted behavior within a specific situational context, but not elsewhere in the child's life.  Suppressing an unwanted behavior does nothing to address underlying drivers or to teach new, adaptive behaviors.  Suppression is temporary.  The behavior will be back.  Many parents find this to be very frustrating, contributing to an ever increasing level of punishment severity. 

Corporal Punishment should never be utilized to address children's behavior, except only under the direct supervision and guidance of a team of highly qualified professionals to address a very specific set of severe and extreme behaviors. 

If your family is struggling with this level of severity, please do consult with a team of highly trained and highly qualified medical and behavioral experts.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

The Protective Ethic

Years ago, I had a conversation with a man about corporal punishment. He was in favor of it.  Then I asked him what he thought of older kids beating up on little kids.  He was opposed to it, stating that when he was young the rule was that little kids could not be hit or harmed and the older kids looked out for them, protected them from bullies.

Then he got it. 

Growing up, it seems, many of us held an ethic that required older kids to protect younger kids from being harmed.  Neither we, nor anyone else was allowed to hit the little kids.

What happens that causes parents to lose touch with this ethic?  

How do people become transformed from holding a protector of little kids ethic to being parents who think it's their right and responsibility to harm little kids?

The vast majority of all forms of child abuse happens inside the family. In certain US states (a wee bit under half), corporal punishment in public schools is still legal. 

More on this topic coming soon. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Failing Forward: Into Safe, Loving Arms

I watched as the toddler tumbled down a full flight of stairs.  I held my breath a bit while his Dad went down to retrieve him, we all did.

Will he be OK?

Kids make mistakes – a lot of them. Parents make a lot of mistakes too. 

The goal of parenting is to embrace and celebrate errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures; turning them into resilience, achievement, optimism, and success. If your child falls while learning to walk:  exude confidence, cheer!, pick them up, dust them off, and set them back on their feet again. 

If they are hurt, take a moment to empathize and reassure.  If they are injured, apply compassionate care and seek medical attention as needed.  No matter what the mistake is, always "set them back on their feet".  Continue to do this for the rest of your life.

There are, however, some critical errors that do need to be prevented.  For example, it's not beneficial to children to experience traumatic brain injuries, get hit by a car, or experience death; drowning is not life enhancing.  While we each will weigh out the risks and benefits based on personal perspective, I'm certain we can all agree that some things need to be prevented to the best of our ability.

Risk-Benefit Analysis

What to worry about, what not to worry about? How do you decide? There is a straight-forward risk-benefit analysis that can be applied to parental decisions and children's activities. We each must weigh out these choices on our own, but it's sensible to have accurate information about risk and benefit to start with. 

If the risk is high and the benefit low, skip the activity. If the risk is low and the benefit is high, go for it.

Legality, ethics, morals, all fall into the risk category.  If an activity is illegal, unethical, or immoral this pushes the risk assessment up.

Mitigating Risk

We all want our children to reap the maximum benefit of being engaged in a range of healthy activities as they grow up, while minimizing the potential risks.

Examples:

• Bike riding is beneficial, but there is some risk involved. Wearing a helmet maintains all the benefit while reducing the risk.
• Snowboarding and skiing are both beneficial outdoor activities, but they do come with some risks. We can mitigate the risk by having our children wear helmets, take lessons to increase competency, and by keeping them off terrain they are not skilled enough to tackle.
• Soccer is a team sport with risks and benefits. We can support participation in soccer safely and advise against heading the ball.

Your child's brain is critical for thinking: learning, problem-solving, and decision-making; not for hitting things with. The risk of head injury while engaged in any of the above activities is real. Head injury can lead to contusions, fractures, eye injuries, concussions, permanent brain damage, or even, in rare cases, death.*

Keep in mind that your child's brain governs everything in her life -- all current and future potential, opportunity, and success.

There is no benefit happening on the soccer field or other sports activities that is worth risking your child's brain health.

Basic Facts

• It is impossible for a child to live without making and experiencing errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.
• It is impossible for a child to grow in the absence of errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.
• Errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures are critical and necessary to healthy development.
• It is impossible to be a parent without making and experiencing errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.

Given the above, I  recommend judicious, careful, thoughtful, and pro-active parenting; intentional parenting that is neither overly protective nor overly restrictive or critical of errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.

Harsh, restrictive parenting is a high risk-low benefit activity.

Proactive Parenting

The risk of critical errors can be reduced by providing proactive, anticipatory guidance early and often.  Proactive, anticipatory guidance is knowing about the challenges ahead and preparing children to have good knowledge and the necessary skills ahead of time, before they will encounter any given challenge. Knowledge and skills take time to develop.  Proactive parenting initiates the teaching and skill development process well in advance of when the need will arrive.

Teaching begins at birth, in developmentally appropriate ways.  Many parents are not comfortable or knowledgeable in discussing some things with children and often end up trying to increase control over adolescent behavior far too late, often after the fact.

I watched a toddler tumble down a full flight of stairs recently.  The dad had declined the advice of the elders in the room to move the toddler away from the stairs.  Down he went.  Dad hurried down to retrieve his crying son.  I think we all held our breath for a bit, waiting hopefully to see that he was alright.  The big bruise on the boy's head was readily apparent as they returned to the top of the stairs. His first head injury?  An event for the baby book?

Important note: Don't make up a risk assessment based on some sort of intuitive sense of how dangerous something is.  People chronically misjudge real risk. Do the research.  The Dad above who allowed his teetering toddler to wobble precariously near the top of the un-gated stairs was exercising poor judgement. All the elders knew this and tried to offer guidance.  The likelihood that a toddler will tip and the injury risk of falling down the stairs is real  (Child Injured on Stairs Every 6 Minutes), but there is very little if any benefit to allowing the precarious teetering. The child learns nothing of value in this scenario.  I can only hope the father did.  The risk of injury falling down the stairs is high, the benefit is very low or non-existent.

Trust & Faith (Although important, I moved this to a separate post. Click link to see discussion on trust and faith elsewhere.)

Given the absolute inevitability of errors, mistakes, and failures … the only reasonable parenting option is to embrace and celebrate them as learning and growth producing opportunities.

• Life is a practice-to-mastery activity.  Only through practice do we get better.
• Punishment may suppress unwanted behaviors, at best, and only temporarily.  It never teaches what to do.
• Studying and celebrating mistakes compels learning and success. What went wrong?  What might work better?
• Parents grow as parents by learning from their mistakes.  What went wrong?  What will work better next time?
• Children can grow by learning from their mistakes. What went wrong?  What might work better?
• Learning from mistakes requires self-reflective analysis: what happened, what went wrong? What might work better next time?

When children fail, they should fall into the safe, loving arms of parents who will dust them off, help them get back up again, provide some guidance, and send them back out into the world ready to go again, and again, and again.

Try it out and see how it works. If it doesn't work well, analyze the outcome.  What went wrong?  What might work better next time?  Do I need to practice this more or try something new?

Celebrate both successes and failures, trials and tribulations, wins and losses. Celebrate life.

Printable Version (includes Trust & Faith)

Additional Resources: 

Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success, by John C. Maxwell

* Head injuries. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11347686      

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com