Corporal Punishment (part 2)

A major 2002 meta-analysis of 88 studies found associations between lawful corporal punishment by parents and ten negative outcomes, and a major 2016 meta-analysis, which used 75 studies published over 50 years, involving a total of 160,927 children, confirmed the findings of the earlier meta-analysis and found evidence of associations with five more negative outcomes. 

The large and consistent body of evidence on the topic includes studies using sophisticated techniques which researchers have employed to address the arguments advanced by a few opponents of prohibition.

The body of evidence is now overwhelming – more than 250 studies show associations between corporal punishment and a wide range of negative outcomes, while no studies have found evidence of any benefits.

The met-analysis, which involved 88 studies, found associations between physical punishment and the following ten negative “behaviours and experiences”:

• poor moral internalisation (child is less likely to learn the intended lesson)
• poor quality of relationship between parent and child
• mental health problems in childhood
• aggression in childhood
• delinquent and antisocial behaviour in childhood
• child being a victim of “abuse”
• aggression and violence when adult
• criminal or anti-social behaviour when adult
• mental health problems when adult
• abusing child or spouse when adult

In 2016, Gershoff and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor published a second major meta-analysis, which used 75 studies published over 50 years, involving a total of 160,927 children.

It found associations between corporal punishment and 13 negative outcomes, confirming associations with all eight of the ten undesirable outcomes from the earlier meta-analysis which were covered and finding associations between corporal punishment and another five undesirable outcomes not included in the earlier meta-analysis:

• externalizing behaviour problems in childhood
• internalizing behaviour problems in childhood
• impaired cognitive activity in childhood
• low self-esteem in childhood
• holding positive attitudes about “spanking” as an adult

excerpted from:

Corporal Punishment by Parents and Associated Child Behaviors and Experiences

Corporal punishment of children: review of research on its impact and associations.Working paper, June 2016

Corporal Punishment (part 1)

For the purpose of distinguishing between Corporal Punishment (CP) and Physical Abuse, I will use the definition of corporal punishment as defined by Straus (1994a). 

“Corporal punishment is the use of physical force with the intention of causing a child to experience pain but not injury for the purposes of correction or control of the child’s behavior”

I consider anything beyond this limited definition of CP to be physical abuse. 

Physical abuse as defined by the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information (2000), is: "Physical abuse is characterized by the infliction of physical injury as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, burning, shaking or otherwise harming a child. The parent or caretaker may not have intended to hurt the child, rather the injury may have resulted from over-discipline or physical punishment. (What Are the Main Types of Maltreatment? section, para. 2)" 

Just to be clear, I'm personally and professional opposed to the use of corporal punishment and physical abuse. This is my bias.  I make every effort to focus on helping parents develop constructive methods for addressing unwanted behaviors and for teaching children the adaptive behaviors, values, and character traits they will need to become successful adults. 

Parents have approximately 6,600 days between birth and age 18 to gradually guide their children toward adulthood. Unless someone is on fire or gushing blood - there is no emergency or critical behavior that needs to be 'fixed' right this moment with the use of physical force.  Take a step-back, take a breath, relax, and make a coherent and constructive plan.      

Neither corporal punishment nor physical abuse is effective in correcting children's behavior. 

Punishments, even severe punishments, only serve to suppress an unwanted behavior within a specific situational context, but not elsewhere in the child's life.  Suppressing an unwanted behavior does nothing to address underlying drivers or to teach new, adaptive behaviors.  Suppression is temporary.  The behavior will be back.  Many parents find this to be very frustrating, contributing to an ever increasing level of punishment severity. 

Corporal Punishment should never be utilized to address children's behavior, except only under the direct supervision and guidance of a team of highly qualified professionals to address a very specific set of severe and extreme behaviors. 

If your family is struggling with this level of severity, please do consult with a team of highly trained and highly qualified medical and behavioral experts.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

The Protective Ethic

Years ago, I had a conversation with a man about corporal punishment. He was in favor of it.  Then I asked him what he thought of older kids beating up on little kids.  He was opposed to it, stating that when he was young the rule was that little kids could not be hit or harmed and the older kids looked out for them, protected them from bullies.

Then he got it. 

Growing up, it seems, many of us held an ethic that required older kids to protect younger kids from being harmed.  Neither we, nor anyone else was allowed to hit the little kids.

What happens that causes parents to lose touch with this ethic?  

How do people become transformed from holding a protector of little kids ethic to being parents who think it's their right and responsibility to harm little kids?

The vast majority of all forms of child abuse happens inside the family. In certain US states (a wee bit under half), corporal punishment in public schools is still legal. 

More on this topic coming soon. 

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Failing Forward: Into Safe, Loving Arms

I watched as the toddler tumbled down a full flight of stairs.  I held my breath a bit while his Dad went down to retrieve him, we all did.

Will he be OK?

Kids make mistakes – a lot of them. Parents make a lot of mistakes too. 

The goal of parenting is to embrace and celebrate errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures; turning them into resilience, achievement, optimism, and success. If your child falls while learning to walk:  exude confidence, cheer!, pick them up, dust them off, and set them back on their feet again. 

If they are hurt, take a moment to empathize and reassure.  If they are injured, apply compassionate care and seek medical attention as needed.  No matter what the mistake is, always "set them back on their feet".  Continue to do this for the rest of your life.

There are, however, some critical errors that do need to be prevented.  For example, it's not beneficial to children to experience traumatic brain injuries, get hit by a car, or experience death; drowning is not life enhancing.  While we each will weigh out the risks and benefits based on personal perspective, I'm certain we can all agree that some things need to be prevented to the best of our ability.

Risk-Benefit Analysis

What to worry about, what not to worry about? How do you decide? There is a straight-forward risk-benefit analysis that can be applied to parental decisions and children's activities. We each must weigh out these choices on our own, but it's sensible to have accurate information about risk and benefit to start with. 

If the risk is high and the benefit low, skip the activity. If the risk is low and the benefit is high, go for it.

Legality, ethics, morals, all fall into the risk category.  If an activity is illegal, unethical, or immoral this pushes the risk assessment up.

Mitigating Risk

We all want our children to reap the maximum benefit of being engaged in a range of healthy activities as they grow up, while minimizing the potential risks.

Examples:

• Bike riding is beneficial, but there is some risk involved. Wearing a helmet maintains all the benefit while reducing the risk.
• Snowboarding and skiing are both beneficial outdoor activities, but they do come with some risks. We can mitigate the risk by having our children wear helmets, take lessons to increase competency, and by keeping them off terrain they are not skilled enough to tackle.
• Soccer is a team sport with risks and benefits. We can support participation in soccer safely and advise against heading the ball.

Your child's brain is critical for thinking: learning, problem-solving, and decision-making; not for hitting things with. The risk of head injury while engaged in any of the above activities is real. Head injury can lead to contusions, fractures, eye injuries, concussions, permanent brain damage, or even, in rare cases, death.*

Keep in mind that your child's brain governs everything in her life -- all current and future potential, opportunity, and success.

There is no benefit happening on the soccer field or other sports activities that is worth risking your child's brain health.

Basic Facts

• It is impossible for a child to live without making and experiencing errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.
• It is impossible for a child to grow in the absence of errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.
• Errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures are critical and necessary to healthy development.
• It is impossible to be a parent without making and experiencing errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.

Given the above, I  recommend judicious, careful, thoughtful, and pro-active parenting; intentional parenting that is neither overly protective nor overly restrictive or critical of errors, mistakes, injuries, and failures.

Harsh, restrictive parenting is a high risk-low benefit activity.

Proactive Parenting

The risk of critical errors can be reduced by providing proactive, anticipatory guidance early and often.  Proactive, anticipatory guidance is knowing about the challenges ahead and preparing children to have good knowledge and the necessary skills ahead of time, before they will encounter any given challenge. Knowledge and skills take time to develop.  Proactive parenting initiates the teaching and skill development process well in advance of when the need will arrive.

Teaching begins at birth, in developmentally appropriate ways.  Many parents are not comfortable or knowledgeable in discussing some things with children and often end up trying to increase control over adolescent behavior far too late, often after the fact.

I watched a toddler tumble down a full flight of stairs recently.  The dad had declined the advice of the elders in the room to move the toddler away from the stairs.  Down he went.  Dad hurried down to retrieve his crying son.  I think we all held our breath for a bit, waiting hopefully to see that he was alright.  The big bruise on the boy's head was readily apparent as they returned to the top of the stairs. His first head injury?  An event for the baby book?

Important note: Don't make up a risk assessment based on some sort of intuitive sense of how dangerous something is.  People chronically misjudge real risk. Do the research.  The Dad above who allowed his teetering toddler to wobble precariously near the top of the un-gated stairs was exercising poor judgement. All the elders knew this and tried to offer guidance.  The likelihood that a toddler will tip and the injury risk of falling down the stairs is real  (Child Injured on Stairs Every 6 Minutes), but there is very little if any benefit to allowing the precarious teetering. The child learns nothing of value in this scenario.  I can only hope the father did.  The risk of injury falling down the stairs is high, the benefit is very low or non-existent.

Trust & Faith (Although important, I moved this to a separate post. Click link to see discussion on trust and faith elsewhere.)

Given the absolute inevitability of errors, mistakes, and failures … the only reasonable parenting option is to embrace and celebrate them as learning and growth producing opportunities.

• Life is a practice-to-mastery activity.  Only through practice do we get better.
• Punishment may suppress unwanted behaviors, at best, and only temporarily.  It never teaches what to do.
• Studying and celebrating mistakes compels learning and success. What went wrong?  What might work better?
• Parents grow as parents by learning from their mistakes.  What went wrong?  What will work better next time?
• Children can grow by learning from their mistakes. What went wrong?  What might work better?
• Learning from mistakes requires self-reflective analysis: what happened, what went wrong? What might work better next time?

When children fail, they should fall into the safe, loving arms of parents who will dust them off, help them get back up again, provide some guidance, and send them back out into the world ready to go again, and again, and again.

Try it out and see how it works. If it doesn't work well, analyze the outcome.  What went wrong?  What might work better next time?  Do I need to practice this more or try something new?

Celebrate both successes and failures, trials and tribulations, wins and losses. Celebrate life.

Printable Version (includes Trust & Faith)

Additional Resources: 

Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success, by John C. Maxwell

* Head injuries. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11347686      

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Developing Character Strength (part 1)

Character strength is required in order to overcome the obstacles, challenges, and hardships of life.
 
No life goes unchallenged, is free from hurdles and hardship.  As parents, it is our purpose to endow our children with the skills, characteristics, and values they will need, not just to survive periods of intense difficulty, but to be ready and able to rise to the occasion.
 
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Many parents understand this.  However, some parents believe they must subject their children to hardship and drive them relentlessly as preparation. 

I disagree with this perspective on parenting.

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of the children and families I've worked with over the years. 

A safe, secure attachment and a safe and loving home is the strongest foundation for success in life.

Parents do not prepare children for hardship by being harsh or cruel to them.  Parents prepare children for hardships by providing a safe, loving environment at home; by gently and intentionally instilling the necessary values and nurturing the character strengths that will be required to face the challenges of the outside world.

It's the challenges of life that provide children with the opportunities to hone character, values, and skills; not the hardships imposed at home.  

At the end of each day, we come home to a safe, loving environment in order to recover speedily from the challenges faced in the world and prepare to go back out again. 

Love nurtures successful children.  Cruelty only weakens and depletes.

 Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

A Brief Note on Parent Advocacy

Square Peg, Meet Round Hole

Parent Advocacy

Often times it may seem as if the systems and institutions our children are required to navigate are set in place to conspire against them.


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Children will face many challenges as they grow and develop.   

There are times during which we will be required to advocate for system change on behalf of our children. The system may or may not respond in a constructive manner. Some elements may; others may not.

Regardless of how the system responds, these situations also provide us with a golden opportunity to coach our children on the character strengths, values, and skills needed to successfully navigate difficult situations and systems in life.

Very few systems are perfect, if any.  The vast majority of work places are mediocre, at best.   As reported in a Harvard Business Review article, a study by Life Meets Work found that 56% of American workers claim their boss is mildly or highly toxic. A study by the American Psychological Association found that 75% of Americans say their “boss is the most stressful part of their workday.”

This is what we are preparing our children for. 

I'm not advocating for non-advocacy.  Please do advocate for your children, on their behalf.  What I am suggesting is that advocacy, while important, is only one side of the coin.  The other side is skill development, value system development, and character strength development.  These are the assets children will need in order to be ready to enter the workforce.  

As parents, our job is neither to force our children to conform to the system nor to force the system to perfectly fit our children.  

While we can work to mold the system into something more comfortable and effective, our primary job is to help our children develop the character strengths, values, and skills they will need to navigate obstacles and overcome difficulty successfully throughout life.  

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

The Tragedy of 'No' (Draft)

Draft

The “No” Word 

As many parents have pointed out, the word "no" can create an avalanche of horribly cascading dysregulation, and not just among toddlers.  A toddler's tantrum can be taxing, although sometimes cute, but a toddler's tantrum is never as difficult or as dangerous as the tantrum 'tweens and teens can throw. 

A 'tween's tantrum can become a property destroying rampage; and anything a tween can do, a teen can double-down on.    

Note: All of these blog posts are based on case compilations involving 100s of children and families that I've worked with over the years.   

Mom of an 11 year old: My son can go from zero to tantrum in the blink of an eye.  

me: What's the trigger?   

Mom: When he hears the word "no".  

me: What's the tantrum look like?  

Mom: Oh, it's hell on wheels.  He swears, tips over furniture, breaks things, threatens me, slams doors, punches holes in his bed room walls."

me: What did you say "no" to?

Mom: He wanted more juice .... 

Special note:  No, a "whooping" won't help.  I'll explain another time.

There are three basic rules for the "no" word.

~ Rule #1) If you say it, you have to mean it and make it stick.

~ Rule #2) Don't say it if you don't mean it.

~ Rule #3) If you say it but don't really mean it, ignore rule #1. 

Wait, what? Why ditch rule #1?  Doesn't my kid just have to learn to accept a simple "no"?  Yes, she does.  How many years have you been trying?  How's it going so far? 

If you are happy with the way things are and want to persist along your current path, carry on.  

If you want to try something different, read on.

The reasons we ditch #1.

First, if we said "no" when we did not mean it, saying it was our mistake, not the child's.  We can own the mistake, take responsibility, and work to fix the problem.   

Second, it's just pragmatic. The tantrum is not worth living through.  There is no truly important issue on the table worth tipping the entire family and household over.    

Most importantly, teens, tweens, and younger children who still tantrum tend to be (no, not brats) ... cognitively inflexible. It's a neurological thing.   

Their brains gets stuck.   They need to learn new skills.  

They can have tremendous difficulty shifting mental sets: transitioning from one activity to another; transitioning from a preferred to non-preferred activity; adapting to changing plans, circumstances; etc.  

Stress can make people even more inflexible and life, if nothing else, is highly stressful to kids who are cognitively inflexible.    

Adult inflexibility is not a helpful response in the moment.  It does not role model flexibility. In other words, adult stubbornness teaches and reinforces child stubbornness.  Adult inflexibility supports and encourages child inflexibility.

The adults are responsible for leading by example; to model flexibility. 

Try to meet inflexibility with flexibility, a maladaptive response with an adaptive response.  Role model the adaptive opposite. The opposite of inflexibility is flexibility.

So, what happened to rule #1 above? 

Reserve the word "no" for situations that matter.  

If your 8 year old wants to camp-out in the living room, say yes.  If he asks if he can build a fire pit in the middle of the floor, "no" makes perfect sense.  Or, if your 12 year old asks if she can drive the car down to the store, "no" makes sense. 

These are logical, hard "no" situations.  Safety is at stake.  You say "no" and make it stick.  It's hard to argue with and it really matters.  

There is always room for some skilled finesse in how you say "no", but "no" is the only possible answer in these situations.

You might say, "camping out in the living room is so much fun, but, hmmm, having a fire in the living room might turn out badly.  How about if we make the fire in the back yard?"

This is saying "no", then suggesting (redirecting the child's brain to) a better idea. 

You can say "no" firmly, but empathically.  

Example, "sorry, Buddy, absolutely no to the fire in the living room.  It's not safe.  Our house will burn down." 

Logical "no"s make sense. Kids can understand them even if they do not like them.  

On the other hand,

• Casual "no"s
• Kneejerk "no"s
• Habitual "no"s
• Convenience "no"s

... all tend to be fairly arbitrary.  They don't make sense and can be infuriating. Kids know they don't make sense.  Parents know they don't make sense. It's a no-win situation.  

Tween arriving home from school: "Mom, can I have juice?"

Mom: "no, it's too close to dinner."

Bam!  The tantrum hits in a great explosion.  Swears fly, the book bad soars across the room, smashing the lamp; tween stomps off, slamming doors and crashing around.    

Immediately, Mom knows her  mistake.  This is just not worth fighting about.  What to do, what to do?     

Arbitrary rules and enforcement can be infuriating, not just to children.  Adults get frustrated with arbitrary rules and enforcement.            

There are options. 

Think for a moment about what you really mean before speaking.  Instead of "no, not today", try "yes, we can do that tomorrow (or this weekend, etc)."

Think about how you frame your response.  If you are not sure, be honest.  For example, "hmmmm, I'm not sure.  Let me think about it for a few minutes."  Doing this models thinking things through. Ask a few clarifying questions: how much, how long, what's your plan?  

If you say "no" then try to make it stick but eventually give in to the tantrum, you have sabotaged your authority.  If you say "no" to a situation that does not matter, you come across as thoughtlessly arbitrary ... and sabotaged your authority.   

It’s better if you only say “no” when you really mean “no”. 

If you do say 'no" when you do not mean it, do be open to changing you mind, if possible, when your child uses positive verbal reasoning skills to explain her perspective.

Allowing yourself to being “persuaded” by your child when he uses positive verbal reasoning skills is a good way to help him develop a sense that verbal reasoning skills are valuable and can be used effectively.

Using verbal reasoning skills is the positive opposite adaptive behavior to tantrums and misbehavior.  This is what we want to help our children practice more of.  More verbal reasoning, fewer, less severe tantrums. 

Verbal reasoning is a primary life skill.