If you want your children to be able to take space in order to calm down, you will need to be very good at taking space to calm down.
Parenting is leadership by example.
Calm Down and Take Space!
If you want your children to be able to take space in order to calm down, you will need to be very good at taking space to calm down.
Parenting is leadership by example.
Flipping, Positively Flipping
 |
 All rights reserved by Alex-de-Haas |
Example: "tantrum" is flipped into "using words". Children at times use tantrums to get needs met. This is a negative, maladaptive skill. The positive, adaptive opposite skill is to use words to get needs met.
As we move forward we will begin to focus our attention on enhancing skills and abilities, the capacity to manage in and navigate a complex world.
Whenever we encounter a problem or concern we will begin the work of "flipping" the negative behavior into its positive opposite behavior or skill. From here, we will teach, coach, and encourage the use of the positive behavior or skill in the difficult situation.
Difficult situations require adaptive skills in order to navigate successfully. Skills require a lot of practice to master.
Whenever we encounter a problem or concern we will begin the work of "flipping" the negative behavior into its positive opposite behavior or skill. From here, we will teach, coach, and encourage the use of the positive behavior or skill in the difficult situation.
Difficult situations require adaptive skills in order to navigate successfully. Skills require a lot of practice to master.
Please keep in mind that all children ... will learn through experience an ever expanding set of behaviors and strategies for the dealing with difficulty. Some of these may be adaptive and effective. Some of these will be maladaptive.
Important note: a maladaptive behavior in a current situation may have been an adaptive behavior in some previous difficult circumstance. Try not to judge behaviors, but do provide constructive feedback that will enable the child to learn, practice, and develop more and more adaptive behaviors.
More on this soon.
* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.
With much gratitude to Tufts University.
* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.
With much gratitude to Tufts University.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / New Hampshire / 603-726-1006 / https://kenlittle-nh.com/index.html
A Sledgehammer Is ...
 |
Constructive Feedback
Behavioral kids and teens*, typically get absolutely inundated by crushing waves of criticism. Pause for a moment right here. Read this again to establish a deep empathic connection with this reality. Imagine crushing waves of criticism inundating you every day for years and years. Close your eyes. Breathe gently and deeply. Imagine how it would feel.
Not only do behavioral kids tend to get subjected to frequent negative feedback on their problem behaviors, but they are very typically hyper-criticized for ordinary behaviors as well.
Behavioral kids tend to get scrutinized frequently, in everything they do. Many behavioral kids know this and say it very clearly.
Behavioral kids tend to get scrutinized frequently, in everything they do. Many behavioral kids know this and say it very clearly.
This is extraordinarily destructive to the child and very counter-productive. Imagine for a moment, being hyper-criticized at work; moment to moment, day-in-and-day-out, for years and years. Would your well-being and job performance be improved or would it decline?
As the responsible adults -- whether parents or staff -- we cannot psychologically "smashulate" children and believe that this will turn out well.
A sledgehammer is not a behavior change tool.
A sledgehammer is not a behavior change tool.
Yes, I am using the word "smashulate". I made it up one day while working with a very guarded child who tended to smash things when angry. I needed a humorous way to approach the subject. "Smashulate" worked. He laughed and we were able to talk about the struggle in a very real way.
My point here is, as the responsible adults we cannot continue to "smashulate" kids and teens who have behavioral problems with large doses of criticism. It is not healthy. It does not work. It makes things worse. It is destructive. It is not congruent with our mission or purpose. Stop doing it.
In order to grow into healthy adults, kids need a diet of feedback that is more constructive than destructive. The positive to negative ratio should tilt to the positive, constructive side.
For children with significant behavioral problems, the objective is to increase the use of constructive feedback to achieve a ratio of positive:negative feedback of approximately 10:1 – this is the number one, most immediate priority.
10 positive, uplifting, constructive comments regarding the child's behavior, attributes, interests, characteristics, accomplishments, etc. to every 1 negative comment or criticism. The gardening metaphor, if you can imagine it, is one of watering / nurturing the flowers and for the most part ignoring the weeds.
Note: This is important for parents, but it's particularly important for behavioral staff working in a program to remain mindful of this ratio. If the program ratio of positive to negative feedback gets too low, or worse, inverts, the program will be in for a very rocky ride. I'll say more on this on the staff training page.
In order to grow into healthy adults, kids need a diet of feedback that is more constructive than destructive. The positive to negative ratio should tilt to the positive, constructive side.
For children with significant behavioral problems, the objective is to increase the use of constructive feedback to achieve a ratio of positive:negative feedback of approximately 10:1 – this is the number one, most immediate priority.
 |
| All rights reserved by Ken Little |
Note: This is important for parents, but it's particularly important for behavioral staff working in a program to remain mindful of this ratio. If the program ratio of positive to negative feedback gets too low, or worse, inverts, the program will be in for a very rocky ride. I'll say more on this on the staff training page.
Ordinary children benefit from a ratio of 6:1, positive to negative feedback.
Think about it. Each child has tremendous positive energy and many excellent attributes.
They are really terrific kids with lots and lots of positive potential. We want to encourage and support the growth of these very important positive elements while gradually, patiently, carefully working to address the lesser, but significant problems and concerns. (See previous blog post: The Whole Child)
If we attend too heavily to problems and concerns we risk increasing these elements to the point at which they may consume and diminish the really terrific positive qualities that make up the bulk of who each child genuinely is.
We must work with intention, purposefully and progressively to address concerns while fully encouraging the growth and development of the whole child.
* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.
Photo credit, sledgehammer: All rights reserved by Antti Tassberg
Photo credit, sledgehammer: All rights reserved by Antti Tassberg
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 603-726-1006
Leadership
Excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide
Leadership
Parents are the leaders of the family. Parents lead children
in growth and development toward adulthood. Parents lead by example. Leadership is not power. Leadership is wisdom.
Vision / Long Term Desired Outcome
In order to lead, parents
need to have a sense of what their long-term desired outcome is. As a parent,
what are you trying to accomplish in raising children? Having a good sense of
the desired outcome will help you navigate through difficulties more
effectively. Keep the big picture and the long-term plan in mind. Don't get
lost in the small stuff, the immediate challenges.
Know Your Family's Value System
Keep your value system at the forefront of your parenting
effort. Write it down. Talk with your children about your values. Parents
instill values in their children gradually over time. Live according to your
value system. Guide accordingly.
Keep the Whole Child in Mind
Often as parents we lose sight of the whole child and begin
to focus too vigorously on the problems, concerns, and shortcomings. As
parents, it's important to attend to the whole child, to develop children across the many years into
well-rounded adults.
Focus on Constructive Feedback
Avoid using negative feedback and criticism. Keep the
feedback loop corrective, constructive, positive and uplifting; pointing toward
the long-term desired outcome. As parents we are constructing, building-up our
children toward adulthood, not tearing them down.
Build Strength - Strengthen Weakness
Raise resilient children, strengthen and develop character
and skills patiently, intentionally, and incrementally across the many years of
child development. Help your children develop the strengths and skills
necessary to cope effectively with the difficulties of life and to succeed
despite obstacles. Do not avoid weaknesses - strengthen weaknesses through a
planned, intentional, practice-to-mastery approach.
Strength is nurtured, not demanded.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH
03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com
Focus on the Whole Child
Excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide
Focus on the whole child.
Your child is a whole person. The problems and concerns, even when significant, are only a small part of who he or she is as a human being. It is very important that we spend more time acknowledging and celebrating positive qualities than we do attending to the troublesome ones, even when the problems are severe.
Imagine that each section of this pie chart is some part of your child. Blue might be educational. Yellow might be community and social. Green might be music, art, sports. Imagine adding in other colors to fit your idea of what a whole person is.
Note the red. Red represents problems and difficulties. Notice that it is smaller than the whole. Now imagine drawing a line through about 20% of the red.
Just 1/5th. This is the amount of the problem section to work on at any given time.
If you make a list that has 5 problems, only focus on the one that matter most. Master that gradually, then pick another problem to work on.
While working on problems, be sure to continue to encourage growth and pay attention to all of the other areas.
Celebrate both successes and mistakes. The greatest learning opportunities often come from making mistakes. Help your child to see mistakes as learning opportunities. Mistakes are not emergencies.
I will continue this another time. For now, intentionally pay attention to your whole child. Nurture growth and improvement in all areas, encourage expanding into new areas and activities, manage problem focus carefully, and ... don't sweat the small stuff.
Problems and Concerns v. Health, Well-being, Interests, Activities, Hobbies, Skills, Attributes, and Characteristics.
There is a common tendency to focus on the negative. Problems just seem to call to us, to demand our attention. Our parental anxieties fuel our focus on problems and concerns. We imagine future disasters. A sense of urgency grows -- must fix the problem now, this minute!
Pause for a moment. Breathe. Imagine a warm, sunny beach ... waves gently washing against the sand, a gentle breeze, ....
Take a step back. Ask two key questions: 1) is anyone or anything on fire right now, 2) is blood gushing from a wound? If you answer yes to either of these questions, stay calm and take immediate action. If the answer to both is no, stay calm take no immediate action. We have time to think about the situation, formulate a coherent plan, and implement corrective actions steps.
Without some caution, most of our attention will naturally and inevitably end up being focused on the child’s problems and difficulties.
There are risks associated with focusing only or mostly on problems and concerns.
Pause for a moment. Breathe. Imagine a warm, sunny beach ... waves gently washing against the sand, a gentle breeze, ....
Take a step back. Ask two key questions: 1) is anyone or anything on fire right now, 2) is blood gushing from a wound? If you answer yes to either of these questions, stay calm and take immediate action. If the answer to both is no, stay calm take no immediate action. We have time to think about the situation, formulate a coherent plan, and implement corrective actions steps.
Without some caution, most of our attention will naturally and inevitably end up being focused on the child’s problems and difficulties.
There are risks associated with focusing only or mostly on problems and concerns.
- The first and foremost is the risk that we will lose sight of the whole child and her many wonderful, terrific, and beneficial attributes, interests, and characteristics. The whole child may become obscured behind a veil, lost in the haze of difficulty.
- The second risk is that by attending only or mostly to the negative we will inadvertently increase the frequency and intensity of the problems. The reality is, that by attending only to the negative we make the positive qualities less important and the negative qualities more important.
- It's demoralizing to be constantly criticized. Think about this for a moment. Have you ever worked in a critical, hostile, or toxic work environment? Morale is the stuff of life. Everything floats on morale. When morale is high, all aspects of performance are improved. When morale is low, performance declines. Children will still muddle through for a time, driven by character and desire. But, eventually their energy will drain away. (More on this another time).
Your child is a whole person. The problems and concerns, even when significant, are only a small part of who he or she is as a human being. It is very important that we spend more time acknowledging and celebrating positive qualities than we do attending to the troublesome ones, even when the problems are severe.
 |
| The Whole Child is a Well-Rounded Person. |
Note the red. Red represents problems and difficulties. Notice that it is smaller than the whole. Now imagine drawing a line through about 20% of the red.
Just 1/5th. This is the amount of the problem section to work on at any given time.
If you make a list that has 5 problems, only focus on the one that matter most. Master that gradually, then pick another problem to work on.
While working on problems, be sure to continue to encourage growth and pay attention to all of the other areas.
Celebrate both successes and mistakes. The greatest learning opportunities often come from making mistakes. Help your child to see mistakes as learning opportunities. Mistakes are not emergencies.
I will continue this another time. For now, intentionally pay attention to your whole child. Nurture growth and improvement in all areas, encourage expanding into new areas and activities, manage problem focus carefully, and ... don't sweat the small stuff.
Synchronizing Values with Rules (worksheet)
The following is excerpted from Ken's Parenting Guide.
One of the most important things that parents can do while raising children is to teach them the importance of having strong character traits (more on this later) and a strong value system. A strong value system will guide children through the many challenges and difficulties they will likely encounter as they grow into adolescents and begin to move out into the world on their own.
One of the most important things that parents can do while raising children is to teach them the importance of having strong character traits (more on this later) and a strong value system. A strong value system will guide children through the many challenges and difficulties they will likely encounter as they grow into adolescents and begin to move out into the world on their own.
Sometimes, family values become lost in the day-to-day grind and parents lose contact with the values that are so very important to them. By staying in touch with our values, we can keep them in the forefront of our parenting efforts where they will guide us to do the most good and be gifted by example to our children.
As an exercise, sit down and consider what your family value system is. Make a list of the most important values, the top 5 for starters. Then examine your family's rules as they are expressed in day-to-day interactions -- how they actually play out. Sometimes or often there is a conflict between what we think the family rules are and what they actually are in practice.
For example: many families value respect: respect for self, respect for others, and respect for property. Is respect represented not only in your family rules, but does it guide your family's daily interactions? Is respect guiding your parental interactions with your children?
As an exercise, sit down and consider what your family value system is. Make a list of the most important values, the top 5 for starters. Then examine your family's rules as they are expressed in day-to-day interactions -- how they actually play out. Sometimes or often there is a conflict between what we think the family rules are and what they actually are in practice.
For example: many families value respect: respect for self, respect for others, and respect for property. Is respect represented not only in your family rules, but does it guide your family's daily interactions? Is respect guiding your parental interactions with your children?
What is your family value system?
List Values:
Ex: Respect -- self, others, property
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
Family rules should be logically connected to your family’s value system.
What are your Family's Rules?
Examples of respect-based rules: speak respectfully to others; brush your teeth, bathe, wear clean clothes, eat healthy food, etc.; don't jump on the furniture or write on the walls, put your bike away, clean up any mess you make, help with chores, etc.
List rules:
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
Please keep in mind that the way we behave as adults in any given moment may or may not express our value system. The purpose of this exercise is to help us remain more consistent with our value system, even in the heat of the moment.
Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 /
Parents Are The Lighthouse
The lighthouse stands on solid, stable ground. It is a beacon of hope. It warns of danger and guides to safety. The waters around a lighthouse can be turbulent at times.
Parents are like the lighthouse. Parents are strong and stable. Parents are a beacon of hope, warning of danger and guiding children toward safety.
When children are emotionally unstable, when they are being tossed in the emotional turbulence of life, parents do not jump into the turbulence with their children. Parent/s endeavor to remain stable and calm. Parents invite children to come out of the turbulent waters.
When the parent/s become emotionally unstable, when they join their children in the turbulent waters … all is lost … until the parent/s can regain their composure, return to the safe, stable ground above the crashing waves.
Parents invite children to come out of the turbulence, to come to safety, to join them on the safe, stable ground.
All of the above applies to behavioral staff.
Printable PDF
K. H. Little Consulting Services
Kenneth H. Little, MA
cell: (603) 726-1006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
A Sledgehammer is ... Not ... a Behavior Change Tool. Constructive Feedback Behavioral kids and teens*, typically get absolutel... -
Parenting requires two key elements: trust and faith. It's very important that parents trust their children and have faith in their i...
-
A quick note. A friend is struggling with her adult children. They seem to have very little recognition that she is a distinct, separate...