Good Judgement: A Personal Reflection

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Ken Little - New Hampshire

“Good Judgement comes from experience, 90% of which is based on bad judgement.” (source unknown)

This wisdom was taped to the kitchen cupboard in my family's kitchen throughout my adolescent years. I’m convinced it was my mother’s survival mantra; her daily reassurance that all would be well in the future, that all of the mistakes I made were guiding me toward developing good judgment.

It worked and I did, but to be perfectly honest, my survival was not assured by any stretch of the imagination.

Things could very easily have turned out differently, very badly in fact. Things did turn out badly for many young people growing up at the same time. 

Too many of my peers during high school and in the years shortly after died, but many more were impacted by lasting and often debilitating injuries, for example: skiing dangerously, jumping off cliffs into quarries, driving dangerously, and using drugs and alcohol in a way that damaged bodies and brains. 

The harm continued to resonate into the future. (see Consequences)

An old friend died from a heart attack in his early 40s – probably the result of the damage caused by using cocaine earlier in life; his past poor judgment coming back to haunt him well after the harmful behavior had ended and he’d established a successful business and loving family. 

Another old friend, one of the most intelligent people I knew growing up, ended up permanently damaging his brain. He continues to work in a low level, low-income job. Such great potential lost permanently to youthful decision-making error.

Youthful errors can leave lasting damage.

Teens and young adults lack the judgment, experience and decision-making skills required to reliably make good decisions. 

It’s not that they always make bad decisions.  In fact, the vast majority of decisions teens and young adults make are typically good and constructive.  It's just that the probability of making bad decisions is higher during adolescence and early adulthood. 

Teens and young adults are out in the world without adult supervision, physically grown but not fully ready to go.  Out in the world without the skills and abilities they will need to navigate the often complex and difficult predicaments life brings to them.

This is not really a fully preventable reality. Perhaps younger children might be supervised more closely, but teens and young adults do move out into the world on their own. This is both expected and necessary. 

Teens and young adults cannot develop into effective and capable adults by keeping them under close supervision at all times.

According to the CDC, 40% of the deaths between age 10 and 24 are due to unintentional injuries. This is the leading cause of death in this age group. As a society we attack this problem with laws, policy changes, systems changes, etc. We work to wrap teens in a safer world. For example, the #1 risk to a teen is driving in a car with another teen. This elevated risk is primarily due to inexperienced drivers making poor decisions. In an effort to reduce this risk, we are changing licensing laws; we have seat belts laws and air bags. These are all changes that can and should be made around teens and young adults.  They are much needed to reduce the risks. 

But what are we doing to help teens learn how to make better decisions?

For over 25 years I've been teaching children, teens, and young adults the "how to" of decision-making they need in order to make better decisions. 

Over the years I’ve learned a lot about what works and what does not work and I've developed concrete, usable decision-making systems that teens can be taught, that they can practice, that can be incorporated into their habits of thinking. 

These practiced skills will give them the decision-making advantage they will need to make better decisions, decisions that will lower the risks of navigating adolescent life.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Misused Term: Consequences!

Consequences are not what we think they are.  

Consequences are simply the variety of results or outcomes that naturally occur in the wake of a behavior.

For example, you step out onto thin ice and fall through.  The consequences of which could be that you get wet, get cold, drown, swim, laugh and have fun, etc. You may be rescued by a stranger -- fall in love, get married, have children, and so on.

The variety of natural outcomes can be all negative, all positive, or a mixture. 

Consequences can be experienced immediately following the behavior (fall through ice - get wet) or be experienced many years later (rescued by stranger - have children).   Smoking cigarettes can have immediate positive consequences (calming) and negative long-term consequences (cancer).

As the responsible adults working to manage behavioral situations, we typically have little or no control over the consequences that occur and no control over how they are perceived by the child.

Punishment is typically what we mean when we say consequences. (see staff training, Counter-Transference)

Punishment is something intentionally constructed and imposed by an authority figure - parent, teacher, referee, coach, principal, judge, etc. - after a negative behavior or infraction that we wish to discourage or suppress – make less frequent or less intense.

A punishment can be either the imposition of something aversive (not-recommended examples of aversive punishments include: hitting, yelling, soap in the mouth, electric shock, pepper spray, etc.) or the removal of something positive, beneficial, pleasurable, or rewarding (examples include no dessert after dinner, no TV, no cell phone).

(Book mark for later: rewards and punishments can be logical or arbitrary. Logical is preferred. Arbitrary is typically counter-productive -- makes the situation worse.)

For example, in hockey, infractions can result in game stoppage, time in the penalty box or possible expulsion from the game, possible loss of control of the puck, and the requirement that the team play short-handed,

None of these are naturally occurring consequences -- they are authority-figure-constructed results that follow an infraction.

The penalty box is a punishment, but it's not an aversive punishment. The time spent in the box is the removal of something pleasurable, enjoyable, positive, beneficial -- playing hockey.

It also requires the team to play short-handed -- a punishment imposed on the team for an individual player infraction. This too is not an aversive punishment. Playing short-handed is the removal of something positive or beneficial -- a full line of players.

Note: a reward is the removal of a punishment or the delivery of a privilege, benefit, positive, etc. I'll discuss this in more detail elsewhere.

Please keep in mind, regardless of whatever an authority figure thinks a constructed punishment might mean, how the child / student / athlete perceives this can be very different:  mixed and / or the exact opposite.

For example, for a student who experiences school as unpleasant, out-of-school suspension can be experienced by the student as wholly rewarding. In which case, the infraction is encouraged, not suppressed.

(More to follow)

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Begin, Wherever You Are

It's never too late or too soon.

Wherever you are in your parenting journey, whether with newborn child or young adult, begin teaching problem solving skills, thinking skills, and verbal reasoning skills.

Problem Solving, Thinking, & Verbal Reasoning

There are other important skills (like, how to do laundry, dishes, math, and weak-side layups), but these are the Big Three. All are skills. All are taught, coached, encouraged, trained, and ... practiced, practiced, practiced to mastery over time.

Please keep in mind that skills are increased gradually, incrementally over time only through repetitive practice.

Practice to mastery is the only path to skill development, the only path forward.

We will work toward developing these skills (problem-solving, thinking, verbal reasoning) by practicing on a regular basis the *Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) process developed by Dr. Ross Greene. This process can and should be practiced during all routine problems and more urgent behavioral disruptions.

Patience Required

To begin this process focus first on engaging with your child in empathic, non-judgmental conversations about her perspective on various problems and concerns, working to develop a sense of trust in her that she can safely share her views with you without fear of being criticized, dismissed, or invalidated. 

Listen carefully, for deep understanding. Thank her for sharing her views. 

Tell her you will think about what she has shared and agree to come back to talk with her after you have had the opportunity to think things over. This is a great way to model and practice delayed gratification. 

Do not allow the situation to devolve into argument and hostility. Just listen carefully. If you begin to feel frustration. Say so, then take space and calm down. Promise to come back when you are feeling calmer. See post "Calm Down & Take Space".

Trust is the essential ingredient in developing the type of relationship with your child that will be open to a collaborative problem-solving process and behavior change. Mistrust leads to defensiveness and resistance to change.

Open communication built on trust is the cornerstone piece of the process. Developing and maintaining a trusting relationship will enable you to build / re-build and strengthen an empathic connection with your child.

Note: Parental Burnout

A loss of adult-to-child empathy (burnout) is a very typical problem parents (and staff) experience with behavioral children. The adults are gradually worn down, exhausted by the continuous demands and difficulties, but this decrease in empathic connection (heightened frustration, anger, discouragement) increases the likelihood of ever more severe behavioral difficulties. 

Think quicksand. 

Unless you are able to take a step back, to reconnect with your long-term vision and rebuild your capacity to see the whole child, you will get sucked deeper and deeper into the quagmire.

It is important that we move toward a “non-punitive, non-adversarial, collaborative, proactive, skill-building, relationship-enhancing” approach; reconnecting with love and empathy.


*Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) is the non-punitive, non-adversarial, trauma-informed model of care Dr. Greene originated and describes in his various books, including The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost & Found, and Raising Human Beings.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Think Win-Win, or No Deal

Win-win or no deal is borrowed from Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is a fantastic resource that I strongly recommend. I've incorporated Covey's idea into the collaborative process developed by Ross W. Greene and described in The Explosive Child, another resource I strongly recommend. More about Dr. Greene's approach can be found at his "Lives in the Balance" web site. I strongly encourage you to study these resources thoroughly.


Think Win-Win, Whenever Possible

We are working toward a parent-child collaborative process; outcomes that are mutually agreeable are preferred whenever possible.

Win-lose and lose-win outcomes are not sustainable solutions. 

These types of inequitable outcomes will contribute to growing mistrust and resentment; increasing frustration, anger, hostility — ever acting-out behavior.

Avoid Win-Lose and Lose-Win outcomes as much as possible.

Remember “No Deal”. Rather than accept a win-lose or lose-win proposition, agree to no deal. Then take a break from discussions and try to come up with fresh possibilities. Come back to the discussion later when you have some new ideas in mind for solving the problem in a way that will work well for both you and your child.

Parent-Child Problem Solving

	Parent	Child	Outcome
	Lose	Win	Parent Frustration
	Win	Lose	Child Frustration
	Win	Win	Mutual Satisfaction
No Deal	Think	Think	Delayed

Solutions to problems work best when they work for both of you in a mutually agreeable way. If you cannot come to a reasonable, mutually agreeable solution, no deal is a good temporary conclusion. Agree to disagree for the time being and to discuss it again another time.

If you agree to discuss another time, please make sure you do; especially if you value keeping agreements.

Keep in mind that by using this type of process in problem solving with your children, you are role modeling and teaching by example an excellent life skill; a skill that will serve your children well in all relationships, personal and professional, for many decades to come.

Teaching these important skills when children are young will give them a strong advantage in verbal reasoning and verbal problem-solving over their peers. Verbal reasoning and problem solving are both highly effective and beneficial skills; associated with academic success.

Children who possess good verbal reasoning skills tend to accelerate ahead of their same age peers.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / 135 Lee Brook Road / Thornton, NH 03285 / 603-726-1006 / Achieve-ES.com

Arriving Home ...

When you arrive home from work ... your family should be happy to see you.

Contemplate this.

Part of my professional perspective has been informed by my personal parenting adventures, or more accurately - misadventures.  (Ask me about the popcorn incident some day.)  It's truly amazing what one can learn by living fully immersed within the situation one teaches about.

Just briefly, my wife died when our two sons, Jake and Braden, were 4 and 5 years old.  She had been struggling with cancer for quite a while and as she became more and more debilitated, I took over more and more of what had been a beautiful shared parenting partnership.

I won't go into the gruesome details, but ... my transition into single parenthood was not a fluid, seamless process. 

There were some very real struggles for me as I adapted to the solo role.  Sometimes, these struggles spilled out onto the boys.  It wasn't pretty.  The first lesson I learned was how to regroup quickly and frequently. My recovering time shortened remarkably. But the challenge did not end.

 

More later.

Calm Down and Take Space!

Anger management

If you want your children to be able to take space in order to calm down, you will need to be very good at taking space to calm down. 

Parenting is leadership by example.

More on this soon. 

Flipping, Positively Flipping

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Flip negative behaviors into their positive opposites; maladaptive behaviors into their adaptive opposites.

Example: "tantrum" is flipped into "using words".  Children at times use tantrums to get needs met.  This is a negative, maladaptive skill. The positive, adaptive opposite skill is to use words to get needs met.

As we move forward we will begin to focus our attention on enhancing skills and abilities, the capacity to manage in and navigate a complex world.


Whenever we encounter a problem or concern we will begin the work of "flipping" the negative behavior into its positive opposite behavior or skill. From here, we will teach, coach, and encourage the use of the positive behavior or skill in the difficult situation.

Difficult situations require adaptive skills in order to navigate successfully. Skills require a lot of practice to master. 

Please keep in mind that all children ... will learn through experience an ever expanding set of behaviors and strategies for the dealing with difficulty.  Some of these may be adaptive and effective.  Some of these will be maladaptive.  

Important note: a maladaptive behavior in a current situation may have been an adaptive behavior in some previous difficult circumstance.  Try not to judge behaviors, but do provide constructive feedback that will enable the child to learn, practice, and develop more and more adaptive behaviors.

More on this soon.

* I'm using child, kids, children, teen interchangeably.

With much gratitude to Tufts University.

Kenneth H. Little, MA / New Hampshire / 603-726-1006 / https://kenlittle-nh.com/index.html