A friend is struggling with her adult children. They seem to have very little recognition that she is a distinct, separate human being. Reflecting on this problem and considering my personal and professional experiences with this sort of issue, I thought I'd write a quick note.
First, I had similar struggles as a parent. My experience was confused and convoluted by the death of my wife when our boys were young so it might be a little different than your experience, but it'll be worth considering.
Boundaries: the basic idea is that we are each separate and unique human beings. This may seem infinitely obvious but it's really not. When an infant is born, he / she came out of their mother. For some period of time ... these two (or more) individuals were not separate and distinct.
Infants may be newly separate and distinct individuals, but they are clearly entirely dependent on their caretaker/s.
Toddlers. How many times have I seen exasperated parents struggling under the stress of a clinging toddler? I too have experienced this sensation. Nothing feels more urgent that the desire to peel the little person off one's leg or body and just have a moment of respite as a separate and distinct person.
Bath room violation. There is no privacy or respite in the bath room. Small children just march right on in as if they are still connected by the umbilical cord.
I could go on.
I'm sure different parents / caretakers work to address these problems at different times during the development course of their children progression toward adulthood. We all will need to eventually. I did it when my children were somewhere around 10. At first I asked them to respect the privacy and sanctity of my bedroom. This did not stick. My sons had been coming and going from that space at all times of day from birth on. This was complicated by their Mom's death, which made me feel like they really did need to have access to my support at all times of day and night, but by the time they were around 10, I was beginning to buckle under the endless pressure of having no privacy, no personal space.
Asking them, requesting this from them, did not work ... so I installed a locking door knob. At first, they chaffed against this imposition. My younger son went so far as to pry the knob off with a screw driver. But, in time they accepted and internalized the change and the lock became unnecessary.
By adding the lock, I reset our family dynamic and re-established some separation between my sons and my self. Phew. What a relief this was. With better boundaries set in place, parenting became at least a little bit easier.
This is the quick note version. I'm happy to answer questions via e-mail. I may add to this another time, going into more detail.
I'm sure different parents / caretakers work to address these problems at different times during the development course of their children progression toward adulthood. We all will need to eventually. I did it when my children were somewhere around 10. At first I asked them to respect the privacy and sanctity of my bedroom. This did not stick. My sons had been coming and going from that space at all times of day from birth on. This was complicated by their Mom's death, which made me feel like they really did need to have access to my support at all times of day and night, but by the time they were around 10, I was beginning to buckle under the endless pressure of having no privacy, no personal space.
Asking them, requesting this from them, did not work ... so I installed a locking door knob. At first, they chaffed against this imposition. My younger son went so far as to pry the knob off with a screw driver. But, in time they accepted and internalized the change and the lock became unnecessary.
By adding the lock, I reset our family dynamic and re-established some separation between my sons and my self. Phew. What a relief this was. With better boundaries set in place, parenting became at least a little bit easier.
This is the quick note version. I'm happy to answer questions via e-mail. I may add to this another time, going into more detail.
